How do I tell my boss?

[NutButterz]

Due to be at a work conference the week after next. My P has trust issues which has resulted him booking a hotel nearby to the conference and me having to stay there with him instead of staying with my colleagues and joining in the Christmas party.

It's not mandatory to stay for the evening but my boss knows it's too far for me to travel home and back again for the 2nd part.

Trust issues are not my fault and I intend to get through Christmas and deal with the situation then. I fully understand it's not right. However how do I tell my boss I will be disappearing after the meeting and my colleagues will be wondering where I've gone?

He wouldn't turn nasty I don't think. It's more the aftermath he would be sulking. Getting himself anxious and worked up. He wouldn't leave me alone texting/calling. Then he'd spend the following days/weeks questioning me and asking me to promise I've done nothing wrong.

I have a list on my phone of the things he does each day that I'm not happy with. e.g. last week he woke me in the night asking what I was dreaming about as I was talking. When I said I genuinely didn't know he demanded to look at my phone and I said if he does that it's the last thing he does. The principle of the matter and not because I've got anything to hide. He then said he's seriously considering getting me to do a lie detector test. It's just relentless.

Tell the truth.
Just explain in brief about your DP and that after Christmas you will be dealing with it.
Sorry you are going through this OP.
I really hope you do escape in the new year!

This is absolutely dreadful OP, be honest as a line manager id offer you whatever support you needed.

Please update us after Xmas that you have got out of this controlling awful situation.

I'd tell your boss about this tbh!

Also maybe you should just go to the party - switch your phone off and deal with the sulking aftermath!! :(

I'd just get rid before Christmas - it must be better for any children too.

I'd tell your boss but I'd also be telling him I was going and staying with work colleagues and put up with the crap after. One night and he's having to go with you so you miss it?

Get through Christmas OP if there's children involved but then leave him. You can't live like that x

Don’t involve work in your personal life if you can help it.

This one is simple, just say you are staying at another hotel with your partner who is also in town. Easy. Don’t embellish.

I travel a lot with work and people tie in other commitments - meet up with friends etc.

Obviously leave the abusive relationship as soon as possible.

you poor thing that would drive me crazy, you say you have children together, has he always been like this?

We have a child each thankfully none together but they are aware of all the plans we've got over next few weeks so don't want that ruined for them.

Why can't he stay in your hotel room and pay the difference direct to the hotel?

I used to work for a large well known construction company and we often had to go on training courses in places like Newcastle or London. it was common for wives and girlfriends to accompany their husbands for the free hotel stay (everyone was booked a double room so you just had to pay the hotel direct for the extra breakfast). The wives and girlfriends used to spend the day shopping while we "enjoyed" our training course!

Wow! Is there any way that you can end the relationship now rather than drag your employer into this fiasco?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, btw

Ah I see - cross post. I think I'd be inclined to duck out of the course altogether rather than let my employer know such personal information

He is abusive. This is horrific.

If you are able to do it safely call WA for advice and look at the Freedom Programme online.

This is a dangerous time if he suspects you are moving outwith his control. Don't assume anything about what he might do. Also there will be many Christmases to come for you and your DC if you get safely away from this awful man so don't discount escaping sooner rather than later if you can.

@Pilot12 I don't think that's the point is it? Besides nobody else brings their partner so it would look very odd!

I think you should tell your employer if you feel you can trust them - you may well need them to be aware in the coming weeks if you do separate.
Your partner is abusive and controlling - please call your local branch of women's aid for advice - they can advise you on how to make a safe exit. Please don't fall for the nonsense about past bad experiences on his part - it's almost certainly a fiction to keep you under control.
I know lots of posters are advising not to tell work but many employers are waking up to domestic abuse and may well have a policy and training in how to support you. Only you know how well equipped they are and the fact that you say they are supportive is a good sign. Please take care and good luck.

If you feel like you need advice and support regarding his behaviour, leaving him and staying safe afterwards (and safety covers your emotional as well as physical safety - it must be very distressing for you to have him constantly checking up on you and being controlling), you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Abuse Helpline at any time - www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

There's a lot of useful information on the website too about your rights and options. Please do give it a look even if you don't think it applies to you x

To those who say tell the employer, while I think here is no issue telling the employer once she in the process of leaving (there may be a requirement for flexible working etc while housing is sorted out), for the specific circumstances of the night away there is nothing the employer can do to help.

Indeed as an employer I would find this really difficult. Why doesn’t she just leave now etc.

Unless the boss says absolutely not, you must stay In the hotel, I don’t see any need to tell the full story at this stage.

Why don't you say you have family nearby that you're going to stay with since you're in the area anyway? That's the only thing I can think of that doesn't actually tell the truth of your boyfriend being jealous

I'd tell my manager and I'd tell my partner I was telling them. Hiding it enables it.

Agree with PPs. Get it out in the open, you have nothing to be ashamed of - he does.

Grow some balls OP, go to the party. Any normal P would keep himself occupied and meet you later, or just stay at home but you are enabling is behaviour. If he insists on keeping the hotel booking that's his choice and his stupidity. You need to toughen up, why should you sacrifice a night out?

Gosh he sounds bloody awful. Forget the Christmas plans, I bet neither child will enjoy the controlling atmosphere.

I'd be honest with boss, you may need support when you give him the boot.

He apparently had prior trauma from a previous relationship

absolutely classic, they all say this. No, he's just a controlling nutjob.

Do what you have to do, and I totally understand about not causing a huge upheaval over Xmas with kids in the mix, but PLEASE GET RID as soon as you can afterwards.

Forget trying to understand it. My only focus after xmas is out of the way would be finances and housing and get gone.

This is not normal and I'm actually scared for you. If you tell your boss, he will likely tell Hr as this is borderline domestic violence which would fall under your workplace violence prevention policy. Hopefully HR can provide assistance and help you get out of this controlling and unhealthy situation.

He then said he's seriously considering getting me to do a lie detector test

Dear God, he sounds like a lunatic! So glad you are making plans to get out of this.

Another vote for being honest with your manager. Him being male shouldn't affect it at all. And you may well need support when you end the relationship.

Good luck! Please keep yourself safe and keep your plans secret from this paranoid, abusive man.