How do I tell my boss?

[NutButterz]

Due to be at a work conference the week after next. My P has trust issues which has resulted him booking a hotel nearby to the conference and me having to stay there with him instead of staying with my colleagues and joining in the Christmas party.

It's not mandatory to stay for the evening but my boss knows it's too far for me to travel home and back again for the 2nd part.

Trust issues are not my fault and I intend to get through Christmas and deal with the situation then. I fully understand it's not right. However how do I tell my boss I will be disappearing after the meeting and my colleagues will be wondering where I've gone?

@Tarttlet I've just called the helpline and all she really said is I don't get why you are waiting til after Christmas even with kids involved. He has his own house and I have mine. No finances mixed. In theory it should be straight forward. It's the guilt tripping and things I can't handle. I need to prepare myself a bit more to be stronger for it. He will use Christmas and make me feel bad.

Just a suggestion, have you thought of telling your partner that you will NOT be staying with him in the nearby hotel, and if he doesn't cancel his plans and get counselling for his trust issues you will leave him. His issues, his problem, his choice

I would tell your employer as well. Although I do agree with what gokartdillydilly said. I couldn’t go along with his controlling behaviour.

Wow op. You sound very level headed. I'm surprised that you have tolerated this behaviour.

I think personally I'd rather be free of the nutjob before Xmas. Change your number and if he turns up at your door call the police. I would have a chat with your boss and explain what has happened and that you may have one or two issues to deal with in the near future.

Go to the party. If he turns up call the police.

So you don't even live with this man? Thank god.

But he is absolutely awful. Who the hell does he think he is to tell you where you can and can't go and who with? You're not married, no children, no shares home or finances. I'm not saying his behaviour is remotely acceptable if the above were the case, but seriously, In the set up you describe, I do what the hell I wanted and block that arsehole as soon as he started his shit.

Your kid will not hold it against you, I promise. None of this is on you.

Please end this now. There will never be a good time. I had a relationship like this where I constantly missed out on going to things because I knew he'd react in this way. I too stayed far too long to try to be nice towards his children (and, I thought at the time, my own, but in reality they were relieved to be free from his nastiness too).

I think a lot of the posters on this thread under estimate how much hassle you will get if you don't agree to his rules. A P like this doesn't behave rationally, you literally get berated about the most innocent of things for weeks. I had a boyfriend like this many years ago. He accused me of trying to pick up the waitress in a restaurant once despite me being 100% straight. 3 bloody weeks I listened to him bringing it up at every possible moment. Splitting up with him was a relief.

In the OP's position, she has two children whose emotions she needs to consider. P's child might not be her own but I'm sure she cares about the child being upset just like she will about her own. If there are many planned events over the Christmas period that a split now would prevent from happening resulting in two upset children then I can fully understand why OP wants to wait until after Christmas. It will be much less traumatic for the DC to have an upheaval when they aren't suddenly going to miss out on a lot of fun stuff due to the split. OP obviously knows what she needs to do, she is selflessly thinking about the children's Christmas before her own relief at escaping an abusive relationship. The rest can be sorted out after Christmas.

It's the guilt tripping and things I can't handle.

So just text him that it’s over and then block his number. If he can’t contact you then he can’t guilt trip you.
Don’t drag it out any longer.

Take control of the situation. Best thing you will ever do!

OP obviously knows what she needs to do, she is selflessly thinking about the children's Christmas before her own relief at escaping an abusive relationship.

You think it’s better for her to grin and bare it and stay in a hotel with this controlling psycho?!
Her safety is more important than a few Xmas kiddy events!

Please OP put your safety and emotional well-being first.

Lie detector test? Crashing your work event and making you miss part of it? Batshit. Controlling. Arse. I think you’ll have a happier Christmas without him. Buy your dc an extra gift, have a movie night with them and a hot choc, they’ll be happier too. Just leave. Block number, no guilt allowed.

I thought you were going to be living together with children. But in your circumstances I would cut ties now and block any effort of communication from him number, social media etc. Your child maybe upset but you can still do exciting Christmas things just you two.

When I say we don't live together he is here everyday and he knows full well I'm not happy with the agreement. When he stays at his which is one night a fortnight the night and remaining day is hell. It really isn't just that easy to go. It's made me so ill. I feel sick everyday but I know come 26th December I need to find it in me to get him gone

Good luck @NutButterz You know what to do. Keep looking forward to that date. It will literally liberate you. Have a lovely Christmas, or try to x

@NutButterz your mental health has really taken a hit from his abuse! Does he really think it’s normal to be so jealous and controlling? Call him out on it! This is your job and your livelihood at risk. You should be able to attend your work Xmas party for goodness sake, he’s insane! I understand you don’t want to ruin Xmas for your child but by the sound of it he’s already ruined things! LTB soon as!

Oh believe me I call him out on it constantly! I've told him he's abusive and what he's doing is illegal many times and he is okay for a few days then back to it again. He admits he knows it's not right.

I know come 26th December I need to find it in me to get him gone

You can do this.

We can handhold, if you need some support.

I can understand why you want to wait. Keep an eye out for him escalating, that's all. Make sure he doesn't know what you are planning.

Oh my god!! Dump him tonight. Thank fuck you haven't moved in with him. Your child will be delighted to have their old mummy back I assure you. He's destroying your life. Fuck him off and go to your party and enjoy yourself.

' If there are many planned events over the Christmas period that a split now would prevent from happening resulting in two upset children'

Seeing your mum in an abusive relationship and having that man hanging around the house every day is awful, trust me on this. Even if you think they don't know they do. I'd have traded any Christmas activity to get shot of my mums abusive boyfriend when I was a child. I'd have given pretty much anything I had in the world.

Also, he will ruin Christmas. Those types always ruin special occasions. He'll find a way to suck the joy and happiness out of it for everyone. I guarantee it.

Wow I was in your shoes last year OP! I was convinced for months I needed to get through Christmas and I’d finish it.

In the 15th December I felt that scared of his behaviour I cowered under him in the kitchen one night.

On the night of the 16th December I came home and told him to leave.

Best thing I ever did. And it was the best Christmas to date.

Don’t let the thought of Christmas put you off from leaving sooner - you’ll have a better time without that sort of bullshit!

Nut Christmas will be just wonderful without him.

Speak to your family - ask someone to be there when you say it’s over. Go through your house now and pack up all his stuff. Get family member to hand them over. Tell him you have reported his abusive behaviour,

Show no emotion if possible - a cold permanent place rejection

He actually sounds unwell, which is quite frightening as it’s not something either of you have control over.
Thankfully you know it’s not right and plan to do something about it soon.
I would tell your boss, you may need some work related support.

Next time he is at his, pack his junk, leave it somewhere safe, text him it's over and change the locks.

And if you feel you can trust your boss, I would tell them and /or HR. Not unheard that this type of men would show up at your workplace or start calling your colleagues..

OP I really hope you're all right. You sound so reasonable but this man is potentially dangerous. Only yesterday I watched a crime programme where a lovely young woman ended up dead when she tried to leave her controlling partner. What a horrible dilemma. You know all this but keep remembering he is meant to partner you, be your support, you can't heal him. Do seek more professional help. There have been several cases on MN before where people have had to go into hiding to escape the crazy partner. I understand not disrupting the children's Christmas but a show down over that period will hurt them more in the long term.
You poor thing.

If I were this scared of anyone , I would go to the police and women's aid. I'd also get a solicitor.