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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell my boss?

139 replies

NutButterz · 05/12/2019 09:12

Due to be at a work conference the week after next. My P has trust issues which has resulted him booking a hotel nearby to the conference and me having to stay there with him instead of staying with my colleagues and joining in the Christmas party.

It's not mandatory to stay for the evening but my boss knows it's too far for me to travel home and back again for the 2nd part.

Trust issues are not my fault and I intend to get through Christmas and deal with the situation then. I fully understand it's not right. However how do I tell my boss I will be disappearing after the meeting and my colleagues will be wondering where I've gone?

OP posts:
Original poster
NutButterz · 05/12/2019 16:38

Thank you all for your support so far. I think I just need to play it by ear and if I really cannot take much more then it will need to be before Christmas. I feel I am good at keeping it from the kids. I work full time and that's usually the time I let it get to me. Although I know children are not stupid. It's hard to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
SickNotes · 05/12/2019 16:40

Christmas would be a lot better for your child without this controlling paranoid nutjob around, you know, OP. I worry that you're using Christmas as an excuse because you can't (understandably, from what you've said of him) face the scenes and accusations.

In your shoes, however, I would still say no, I'm not staying in a nearby hotel, I am going to participate fully in my work Christmas event and will see him when I get home.

Dollymixture22 · 05/12/2019 16:41

Show the children this sort of relationship is unhealthy, end it.

Don’t let him be part of their Christmas memories.

Original poster
NutButterz · 05/12/2019 16:48

That may be true but I've now also started to tell people. A family member and a friend and I didn't dare say anything for a long time. This has only happened in the last few days. There is no doubt in my mind about ending it. I'm trying to keep myself as occupied as possible separate from him to minimise interaction. Some of the posts on here have made me feel even worse

OP posts:
SickNotes · 05/12/2019 16:49

Good for you for ending the silence. That's an important step. But I think Christmas is a red herring.

Goldenchildsmum · 05/12/2019 16:50

@NutButterz - I think we're all worried for you Thanks

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/12/2019 16:52

So glad you have told a couple of people in real life.

People who have never experienced being with someone like this have no idea how difficult it can be to plan an exit. Keep strong.

MsJaneAusten · 05/12/2019 16:53

Who is looking after your child while you’re in Paris? Can you confide in them too?

whatsinthebagwhatcoulditbe · 05/12/2019 16:58

I wish you well OP. This sounds so draining. I hope you can get him out of our life forever as soon as possible. I bet you will feel a weight has been lifted once it's done.

Gobelinoisawitchescat · 05/12/2019 17:03

Op - go to your Christmas party. From what you say you are just going to habe the “who was at the conference” “I bet you would rather be with random colleague“ etc anyways

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2019 17:07

OP you need to say no and do the conference as you should

Heismyopendoor · 05/12/2019 17:18

Please be careful, the time when you leave an abusiv and controlling partner is the most dangerous.

diddl · 05/12/2019 17:21

Well I hope that you manage to get rid of him before Christmas.

In fact before the party!

Of course you don't need to not go to the Christmas Party just because he has booked a hotel nearby.

MaeveDidIt · 05/12/2019 17:40

Before you break it off with him as a precautionary measure you could call the police help line (101) so they are aware of the situation.

Luckingfovely · 05/12/2019 17:54

However how do I tell my boss I will be disappearing after the meeting and my colleagues will be wondering where I've gone?

Truly, this is absolute madness. The answer to your question is, you don't tell your boss or your colleagues. You go to to the event. Full stop. This is your career.

If you have a D (dickhead) P who wants to get in the way of that, then you get rid of the D (dickhead) P.

Please please please do whatever you need to do to get rid now. It's not going to be a happy Christmas with him in your life. Tell the police, get family and friends support, take whatever advice you need, but do it now.

Stopping you going to a work event has to be your last red flag. End it now.

PippiDeLena · 05/12/2019 18:02

Please leave OP

Drop his shit off, change the locks, text him to say it's over and if he contacts you again you'll go to the police, and then block him. If he tries to contact you, call the police. His behaviour is so far off the scale of normal. Waking you up to find out what you're dreaming of is terrifying.

You sound so worn down, but you're in a strong position. You have your own house and no shared children.

Haffiana · 05/12/2019 18:38

OP, he is so fucked in the head that he is affecting your job. Not just you and your children (and trust me, they see more than you imagine) but he is reaching into the Real World with his madness and actually feels justified in coming to your work conference! And you are trying to accommodate him?

Do you really think that you can ever reason with someone so deluded? Do you think you can just tell him that he is abusive and that he will stop? A psychiatrist would need years to even start to sort him out.

You need to walk away now. None of your reasons, your kindness, your consideration will make any difference to the huge, gaping black hole inside him. He will be the same whether you are there or not, because you as a person do not exist for him, except as a sort of sticking plaster he needs to try to cover his gaping absence inside.

fluffiphlox · 05/12/2019 18:44

I dare say that this herbert is more than happy with the money you bring in from this job so he should be more than happy that you enjoy all the opportunities that it offers you. Why exactly are you with him?

yips · 05/12/2019 18:46

I would say that you have friends who live close by that you haven't seen in a while, so you intend to stay at theirs and have a catchup the next day.

Isthisit22 · 05/12/2019 20:48

I don't understand this. You don't live with him or have kids with him?
Finish it, block him and if he tries yo enter your house call the police.
Just tell your child that he's had to go away with work for Christmas if you think they'll be upset but I think you'll discover how resilient children are.

Peignoir · 05/12/2019 20:57

Ugh, get rid of him. Why he is concerned about keeping tabs on you? Could he be having an affair while pushing his insecurities onto you? Sounds like an ass. Don't put up with it.

Helpordont · 05/12/2019 21:01

OP - no one is trying to make you feel worse. You need to get out of a difficult/potentially dangerous situation.
Write him a dear john letter/text/email.
Block him on all platforms.
Ask a friend/family member to come a stay for a couple of days if your concerned he'll turn up or go and stay with them. If you stay home and he turns up, ask friend/family member to politely tell him to leave if he refuses call police to report.
If you are home alone ignore him, if he causes a scene - call police.
Change the locks if he has keys.
If he turns up at your work, tell your line manager you have a difficult ex who is displaying worrying behaviour and they'll have him removed from the premises. (Duty of care)
Not spoiling Christmas for your kids is the least of your worries.......

Kitty2020 · 05/12/2019 21:15

Why are you inflicting this vile abusive man on your child for another moment? Why do you want to “make memories” for them with this person and their child who will all be out of your lives the next day - you are making it worse for your DC. You will be on egg shellls - your DC will sense, absorb and internalise this “elephant in the room” emotional stress - it will be v damaging.

Why don’t you want to allow yourself to have a warm, happy, peaceful, calm December and xmas with your DC. You can’t give your DC if you are distracted with this vile man.

This man is affecting your career.

Luckingfovely · 05/12/2019 21:17

Kitty is right - adding another three weeks of memories over Christmas and then finishing it will be much more devastating than ending it now and having a brilliant time on your own. At least the memories won't feel fake.

Giraffey1 · 05/12/2019 21:28

I know it is easy for us to say. But if this man does not live with you then I really really think you should bin him now. Not the weekend, not after the works Party, not after Christmas. There will always be another reason not to do it. Just think how lovely Christmas could be for you and your DC if you are not worrying about what he will say or do next.
Tell him enough is enough and you don’t want to see him any more. Tell your work you are looking forward to the party.
Does he have a key? Changes the locks.
Block him on all social media and remove his numbers from your phone. Etc.
You can do this, OP, you really ca.

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