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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Guy I was chatting to on whatsapp just disappeared !

302 replies

AL75 · 04/12/2019 11:18

For a month now I was chatting on phone and messaging a guy I met online. Twice we had to postpone meeting due to ill health either he was not well or I was not well. Our last contact was last Thursday night and I have heard nothing since then, it's now been 6 days. I have noticed the last time he was on whatsapp was the last time he messaged me so he isn't communicating with anyone on whatsapp. He definitely has not blocked me as I can see his online status and no reason for him to stop contact as we were getting on extremely well. I called 2 days ago twice and went straight to voicemail. I have no idea if something tragic has happened to him and no way of finding out. I don't know what to think anymore as this is quite uncharacteristic of him to do this. It has been now 6 days which is very unusual for him not to get in touch. At the beginning I was angry that he wasn't going on whatsapp not reading my messages but now it looks like he isn't using his phone completely and am now worried and extremely sad that it looks like it's come to an end. If he was physically able to, he could log on to dating site he found me on from pc and message me that way but he hasn't and not answering to mail from site that I am sending. I don't know what to think. Every morning he used to whatsapp me good morning or every other morning around 5.45 am before he went on his morning run and am worried something happened last Friday when I heard nothing. I feel so devastated 😔

OP posts:

abbey44 · 04/12/2019 16:07

Well, as others have said, he may well have ghosted you, but there might be another reason. This happened to me some time ago (although we had met up) and it turned out he'd died suddenly. I only found out some time later, after leaving a voicemail message, which was picked up by a family member. If I hadn't left that message, I'd never have known. So, you know, it does happen...

Luckingfovely · 04/12/2019 16:09

@ThreeLittleDuckies goddess obvs

That really cheered me up

QueenofPain · 04/12/2019 16:14

OP, you’ve not listened to any of these other many voices of reason. But you need to get a BLOODY grip on yourself or you’ll be falling prey to all kinds of time wasters and dickheads on OLD. He isn’t the first and absolutely will not be the last to ghost you, this shit is rife. Forget about it, move on with your life, and absolutely DO NOT fall for his shit if he gets back in touch in three weeks time with some elaborate sob story.

lioness88 · 04/12/2019 16:19

OP you are so in denial, every post has been met with an excuse from you. He has ghosted you. Move on.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 04/12/2019 16:28

You’ve never even met 😂 if he didn’t want to talk anymore that’s fair enough.

Maybe he went on a date and met someone he wants.
Maybe he just thought you two were never going to meet so what was the point in all this talking.

Honestly In a month if you had wanted to meet you would of made it work 🤷🏻‍♀️

He doesn’t want you, so for god sake stop messaging him on dating sites, calling him

christmassymcchristmas · 04/12/2019 16:32

Second phone, he switched it off at 10 last Thursday before hiding it in his gym bag. He then whisked his wife off for their annual Christmas markets trip to Hamburg.

Or he's dead

wheresmymojo · 04/12/2019 16:33

@abbey44 Is that one person it actually happened to that keeps the myth alive for the other billion poor gits who just got ghosted...just like they say on He's Just Not That Into You

Techway · 04/12/2019 16:34

What is it about dating (or the prospect of dating) that turns seemingly sensible women into stalkers??

You say you are "devastated which suggests you were way, way too invested in a man you haven't even met.

Think about it, devastated and believing something "tragic" has happened when the likelihood is he has just ghosted you, albeit with a technical solution you haven't encountered before.

I mean this gently but are you very lonely?

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 04/12/2019 16:44

He could have been using a burner phone to contact you which is why it's going to voicemail. I'm wagering he was married or at least spinning webs of some kind. Sorry you don't want tot admit you've been ghosted but it's quite obvious.

afterme · 04/12/2019 16:48

Lots of men on dating sites have a second phone just for dating. That would explain things.

I had someone do the same on WhatsApp out of the blue and it took me by surprise as he seemed so keen and we were messaging constantly. The day before we were due to meet he disappeared.

Fortunately I did not assume he had died and did assumed I had been ghosted. He contacted me out of the blue about a year later and it turned out he had met someone around the same time and moved to another part of the country to be with her. It didn’t work out so he moved back and suddenly whatsapped me again!

wheresmymojo · 04/12/2019 17:05

Yep - I've had that too.

I actually went on a date with someone, had a great time, we kissed.

Then he disappeared.

Turned back up 18 months later saying he'd also been dating someone else at the time and decided to see how things went with her but 'she'd turned out to be a psycho' and did I want to pick up where we'd left off.

I mean it was obviously tempting to pick up with a man who decided I was second best and that probably had untold emotional issues that had caused the other woman to "be a psycho" or call him out on whatever shit he put her through but I politely declined and blocked.

Tinyandpetite · 04/12/2019 17:30

I was talking too a bloke on online dating, keen as anything, messaged all the time for weeks arranged too meet, disappeared the night before, never answered my text. Two years later appeared on another dating site, contacted me on there. Said he was messed up by divorce, etc etc surprise surprise, day supposed to of meet did a runner yet again!! I think he made a habit of doing it. I know it hurts, I’d let it go, they do this all the time- unfortunately.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 04/12/2019 17:38

Are you very new to online dating @AL75 ?

It's really common for men to disappear like this. It's the sweet shop phenomenon of too much choice.

You need to stop all the whatsapp phone stalking and chalk this one down to experience.

Cloverbeauty · 04/12/2019 17:48

Don't worry op they are all wrong. He's just trying to find a white horse and polishing his armour before he comes to sweep you off your feet. Just be patient and make sure you're always wearing a nice dress.

Or you could actually listen to everyone and realise he's not interested. Probably wasn't ill either. Your choice.

Original poster

AL75 · 04/12/2019 17:50

38TellItLikeItReallyIs I have been on online dating before which is how I met my ex, now going through a divorce

OP posts:

lifegoes · 04/12/2019 17:54

Is he on social media?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/12/2019 18:01

Ah, you're going through a divorce. I'm all for light dating while separated, for distraction, an ego boost and fun - but you seem to want to quickly leap head first into another relationship - before you've even met this guy. Not healthy OP.

Endless messaging before meeting builds up fantasies in the mind as to how things will pan out, then when it stops - you're left devo as the fantasy crumbles, so you imagine an accident, death, anything but the probable truth.

Lololololola · 04/12/2019 18:06

OP- I've done this to lots of blokes in the past. We seem to get on well enough, then they say something weird or whatever and I just block. I can't be arsed giving someone I don't know an explanation - if I have never even met them, they are just a random and if they are creeping me out I just stop engaging. Occasionally, I will say goodbye before I do it, but mostly I just think, "Nah, not for me" and disappear. Happens to me too, just one of those things. Forget him and move on, I'm sure he isn't trapped on a mountain wondering how he can alert you to his absence, he got bored and vanished.

Glitterb · 04/12/2019 18:12

I would just put it down to experience and move on tbh. There could be many explanations but don’t waste time worrying about it even though it’s a rubbish situation! I’ve had it happen to me before and I’ve done it to others in the past like PP said

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2019 18:19

Either he has ghosted or it's the old 'let's see if she'll put up with this shit' test where they come back after a noticeable absence with a (usually crappy) excuse and see if you just let it slide and then they know you are susceptible to being further manipulated.

Texting you at 5.45 am was hardly a good sign anyway. Very 'I'm up so you should be up' isn't it? Plus you've never even met this guy. Would bet my ass he's texting a few other ladies the same shite too.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/12/2019 18:24

He's ghosted you OP. He hasn't messaged you because he doesn't want to.

It happens often unfortunately. Let it go.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 04/12/2019 19:02

I don't mean to get the OP's hopes up, but surely if he'd ghosted her, he'd still be online, just not chatting to the OP.
He's hardly completely avoiding WhatsApp just because he's avoiding someone he's never even met. If that was the case, he'd block her, or go online and not initiate a conversation or reply to hers.
Why would he be 'hiding'?

My guess would be that there's something going on in his personal life that has made him avoid all his social media.
But even if it's that, the polite thing would have been for him to tell you that. He didn't, so that (imo) means that he cares far less about you than you do for him, if at all (Sorry).

But whatever the reason is, you sound way too over invested anyway.
I've been guilty of it myself in the past, getting far too attached and intense (both male & female relationships; romantic & platonic) and then BANG, they pull back and it hurts like a b**ch.
The lesson is, keep your guard up and don't get too emotionally involved, but especially not with someone you don't even know.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 04/12/2019 19:05

Sounds like he was using a cheap 2nd phone or another SIM for OLD.

Original poster

AL75 · 04/12/2019 19:18

54lifegoes, no, he didn't do Facebook etc. I can tell he wasn't chatting to someone else from site because when you do a search of users, it comes in order of who was online most recent and his was always towards the bottom

OP posts:

saltysally · 04/12/2019 19:21

Six days. No way. If he wanted to be in touch he would have found a way

If he comes back with a piss poor excuse its your call whether you believe him or not.

I suspect its a soft ghosting

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