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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband highly sensitive to criticism means I have no say

324 replies

JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 07:55

It’s driving me crazy. I’m very open and honest and have been brought up to say what’s on my mind.

He on the other hand has been brought up with a domineering mother who he is to this day still trying to gain approval and love for. He says he never feels good enough for her.

He clearly has the same thing going on with me. He was in tears today after an argument about his snoring. I said he should sleep somewhere else because I can’t sleep (with earplugs). After much shouting and talks of divorce he broke down crying saying how did I think that made him feel telling him he had no place in our bed. He felt like I was saying he didn’t belong. Confused. But he’d been saying that I should sleep somewhere else if I couldn’t sleep for his snoring. At no point did he say sorry for my poor nights sleep over the last few nights, or show any empathy.

He says I’m constantly criticising him. I am not, I will say to him if something is bothering me. Eg he thinks it’s ok to use his electric razor and put it back in bathroom cabinet without rinsing! Stubble is all over the drawer. It’s disgusting. When I brought it up initially he just said he’d always done that and made out I was being ridiculous. When I’ve brought it up since he’s highly defensive and says I’m criticising him again - he feels he’s always in trouble.

I’ve said to him, I’m not your Mum, you aren’t in trouble. I’m just asking you logically to consider that it’s a bit gross.

He said how do I think it feels to be constantly criticised? I said how does he thinks it feels to have no voice and feel he has no respect for me because anything I have a problem with is seen as criticism?

I have suggested counselling but he absolutely refuses.

OP posts:
isitpossibleto · 03/12/2019 15:08

He’s not sensitive - he’s controlling

KristinaM · 03/12/2019 15:09

You see , @JulieJones22, this is what happens when you are constantly asked to swallow your own feelings because his feelings are the ony ones that count.

You end up so wound up that you do crazy things like text him at work over pee on the loo seat, because it’s the final straw. And you end up looking like the crazy person. When you are not crazy - you are just angry and frustrated, because he refuses to listen to you or consider your feelings.

Everyone does things that annoy others, especially when you live together. If he’s not willing to communicate then you have no future as a couple.

Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:14

@KristinaM he refuses to listen or consider her feelings? What about his, he openly said he feels criticised and that he's always 'in trouble' and based on the examples given, over minor petty shit, what about HEARING HIM when he says that.
He's not spent all her money and lied, hidden a massive secret or fucking shagged a neighbour he left some beard hairs in a drawer and peed on the loo seat for fuck sake.

RLEOM · 03/12/2019 15:15

I was going to say that whatever you do, don't marry him... imagine what he'd be like if you got divorced? 🤦‍♀️ Sounds like my ex - the slightest comment and that's it! Life as we know it has ended!

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 15:15

@Carrotgirl87 and where is his compromise exactly?

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 03/12/2019 15:15

In a shared home, it's basic manners not to leave stubble hairs over everything in a drawer used to store shared items, and also to wipe up your own piss.

I'm another one saying he's controlling you by having tantrums when you want to address shoddy, selfish behaviour.

Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:16

@JulieJones22 I'm almost certain there are things you do that annoy him that he doesn't text you at work over. Although since you're taking ZERO responsibility in this maybe you're just perfect.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 15:18

@Carrotgirl87 minor petty shit? I'm glad I'm not your OH if you think its ok to put stubble in a shared bathroom drawer, and piss on toilet rim repeatedly, allowing it to dry in and go yellow.

We obviously have different standards.

OP posts:
Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:20

I'd just move it or clean it without a drama 🤷🏻‍♀️ and he would wash my car if it needed or do the shopping on his way home from work without thinking twice it without moaning as that's more what he cares about. We both pull our weights where our strengths are, isn't that how relationships work? Does he not contribute anything at all?

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 15:23

@Carrotgirl87 oh so you'd just clean up your OH piss and stubble. Fair enough.

OP posts:
Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:29

Well I wouldn't give a fuck about stubble in a drawer to be honest 😂 so probably not. But I've cleaned my fair share of toilet seats raising little boys with terrible aim. Luckily my partners is better but I'd do it, and he'd do it for me I'm sure. I hope you manage to sort things, I personally see his side of things, clearly you don't, but I wish you luck, none the less.

Lweji · 03/12/2019 15:31

Ultimately, you can leave him, if he is that inconsiderate of you.

Leaving should always be an option, and he should be aware of it.

For now, ask him if he would be happy for you to leave a mess in the toilet for him to sort out. If you have, what did he say?

Lweji · 03/12/2019 15:32

I'd just move it or clean it without a drama

Would you really, if he did it, say, every other day?

Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:37

@Lweji if it was a constant battle every day something I was horrified with, I'd approach it like a previous poster with humour, I forgot who it was that shouted come and clean your pubes up, something similar. I would NOT text while at work as he cannot actually do anything about it so it's just an empty criticism. If I was really pissed I'd leave it for him to do when he got home and say, hey, go clean up your piss while I make a cuppa. 🤷🏻‍♀️

frazzledasarock · 03/12/2019 15:37

I was going to post earlier decided not to.

But regarding the pee on toilet seat. I had this with DP.

I asked him to quickly wipe down the toilet seat when he used it. He turned to argue that I leave the loo seat wet too (I wash down the toilet seat).

I told him I leave the loo seat clean. It’s disrespectful to expect me to clean his piss or accidentally sit in it.
I told him I was stating a fact. When he uses the toilet he leaves his excrement for me to clean up. I do not like that and don’t want to be cleaning dried on shit and piss before using the toilet. I don’t do that to him.

He stopped arguing and does clean up after himself.

It’s not nagging or being his mum. It’s just a case of being considerate of eachother.

DP did the leaving of hair in the sink once too. I asked him if he’d forgotten to clean the sink as there was hair everywhere. He always cleans up after himself.

I wouldn’t leave my shaved/waxed hair lying around for him to clean, I don’t expect him to do it to me.

It’s not being his mum. Surely everyone wants to live in a hygienic clean home?

Purposely ignoring something that upsets your partner and causes them discomfort and expecting them to shut up and clean up after you is incredibly unkind and controlling.

Lweji · 03/12/2019 15:41

@Carrotgirl87
I do wonder how much humour you'd be left with if you had a constantly inconsiderate partner. One who also didn't do those extra things without being asked.
I don't have enough info regarding the OP's case, but it's easy to say how wonderfully patient we would be and how fantastically we would address it without being in the situation.

"Being sensitive to criticism" is often an excuse or cop out to being inconsiderate without being called out.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 03/12/2019 15:44

Purposely ignoring something that upsets your partner and causes them discomfort and expecting them to shut up and clean up after you is incredibly unkind and controlling.

You put it better than me - this is exactly what is going on IMO.

Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:44

@Lweji if my partner was so inconsiderate that it frustrated me like the OP I wouldn't be with them. Relationships should be enjoyed not endured and there are probably more suitable partners for each of these two out there, a tidier one for her and a more relaxed one for him.

prettybird · 03/12/2019 15:51

@JulieJones22 - dh quite literally had a breakdown. Collapsed (not literally: sat down while he was walking home one day and couldn't go any further - took an hour to gather himself together) and realised he was at rock bottom. Didn't even tell me for a year or so about it and that that was the trigger for him to go to our (lovely) GP, who referred him to a very good counsellor. It's probably cost us £3,000 over the last 3 years - but money well spent (now "down" to £90 a month - and he thinks he's on the finishing straight).

There are a number of books he recommends: the Phil Gilbert one (and the associated website) mentioned above is one. "Running on Empty: overcome your childhood emotional neglect" by Jonice Webb is another (he says that's a good introductory one and is saying I should read it too to understand where he's coming from).

"Toxic Parents" is a good one for someone to realise that what/how they experienced was not normal/their fault.

If your dh can't remember much before 13, that's not normal. But if he has repressed memories, the other thing to realise is that when/if they come back, they may do so in a linear fashion.

Dh had an estranged sister who had cut off contact 30 years ago. It turns out that the reasons she did so are the same reasons that dh only started to recognise in the last couple of years. The family "received wisdom" was that she'd gone mad and had false memories planted in her by the nasty psychiatrists. Hmm

Lweji · 03/12/2019 15:52

@Carrotgirl87 Definitely agree with this last post. Smile

Carrotgirl87 · 03/12/2019 15:53

@Lweji glad someone agrees with something I think Grin

Lweji · 03/12/2019 15:53

I'll just add, OP, that you're not his therapist. If he has issues that affect your relationship, it's not your responsibility to fix them or put up with them. The onus is on him to fix his issues.

umberellaonesie · 03/12/2019 16:01

I agree with @Savingshoes as to how to ask him to clear up after himself. ' can you clean the toilet it's a bit mucky' 'would you mind wiping out the bathroom drawer it's got a bit hairy' etc etc
I think you possibly are a bit fastidious about some things ( coffee in the sink) and have higher standard than him. I am like that too but try to compromise a bit and often think is this him being disrespectful or is it just overly important to me. And use the tack above of just asking him to do the task if I feel I'm tidying up after him.
Counseling Individually and jointly has improved things greatly for us, dh is less defensive and I am less critical.

Original poster
JulieJones22 · 03/12/2019 16:31

You end up so wound up that you do crazy things like text him at work over pee on the loo seat, because it’s the final straw. And you end up looking like the crazy person. When you are not crazy - you are just angry and frustrated, because he refuses to listen to you or consider your feelings. @KristinaM

I know. Now he gets to be angry at me because I texted him something horrible whilst he was at work. I was just so angry. This will turn into all about him now and how I’m in the wrong. My feelings won’t come into it.

OP posts:
HowdidIenduphere · 03/12/2019 16:33

That also sounds familiar to me, every time you bring up something you need to talk about he cries and in the end you have to soothe him and nothing really gets talked about?