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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
friedbeansandcheese · 01/12/2019 17:15

Sounds like his gf is inscure about their relationship for some reason and could be preferring her dc over your dd. Or she could be fed up and think that you and her p are too close. Which would also be a sign of insecurity. I'd let this go but keep an eye on things.

Does dd enjoy being with her dad? Does she like his new partner?

JoGose · 01/12/2019 17:17

I think your ex is a bit spineless, if he agrees with you that your DD should have decorations on the tree then he should tell his DP. Not back off for fear of causing an argument

Besidesthepoint · 01/12/2019 17:18

I just want everyone to be happy and get along, and everything to go smoothly.

You have been told twice by your ex to keep your beak out. You are the one not trying to get along here.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 17:18

friedbeans im definitely not insecure in my relationship and id be pissed if dps ex did this. Its just another form of attempted control.

Me dp and dss beforre ds arrived did our own Christmas thing. Nobody was excluded. We made our own memories there was no need for his mum to be involved in it!

noworlater13 · 01/12/2019 17:19

Your ex is sharing way to much with you, the way he blames his new dp is shady.
Plus let her do it at yours and if he wants to have special Christmas deco from his dd he will get them.

BillieEilish · 01/12/2019 17:26

sounds like his new gf his insecure about the relationship

Hmm why? Not at all.

Sounds like ex is insecure about new PARTNER

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 01/12/2019 17:29

I think PicsInRed has pretty much summed it up.

OP it will be a long bloody life if you don't back off.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/12/2019 17:30

Good God OP really can't win with this thread, can she?!

OP I suggest you walk away from this one. Sometimes it goes this way - bloody feeding frenzy. No idea why.

It's obvious from your answers that you want to keep the peace and keep your DD happy. It's also obvious that his DP is shaping up to cause trouble.

Maybe ask your ex how he wants to do presents, because OBVIOUSLY if you ''insist!!'' on doing it the way you've previously done it then you are CONTROLLING and CAN'T MOVE ON but if you suggest changing it then you are MAKING A POINT and POURING ON KEROSENE!

Sheesh.

Slomi · 01/12/2019 17:30

@AlexaAmbidextra

And the lengths some people will go to minimise away men's shitty attitudes towards their kids when a new partner appears on the screen. Kindly go roll your eyes elsewhere.

Courtney555 · 01/12/2019 17:31

@PicsInRed

Bang on

NoCauseRebel · 01/12/2019 17:33

Jesus Christ there’s an awful lot of projection going on here. Exactly where has the OP said that she’s demanded that the ex put DD’s decorations on their tree? All she said was that she’d mentioned to him that she was getting the decorations out of the loft and could send some over with DD, to which he agreed.

It was the ex who decided to throw into the discussion that he and his new partner had had a row about it because she didn’t think it was a good idea.

nowhere has the OP *demanded anything, so those who are clearly projecting their own situations here might want to take a step back.

OP I would bet money that your ex is in fact a gaslighting fuckwhit. He’s indicated to you that you/your DD are causing rows between him and his new partner. Pound to a penny he’s been saying things about you to her as well. My ex was exactly like this. I lost count of the times he told me about how difficult and “hormonal” his partner was, and then he told her that I’d been slagging her off, I know because she texted me to confront me about it.

I actually don’t have time for the woman anyway, but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my ex did everything he could to keep us apart iyswim.

As for presents, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you taking your DD out to shop for a present for her dad. Nothing at all. if he mentions it then you can re-think, but in the meantime I would just carry on as is.

My ex actually mentioned to DS that he shouldn’t mention to his DP/her DD that I’d bought and wrapped presents for all of them because it would upset her. I had been out shopping, DS hadn’t a clue what to buy, so I picked up some things with his agreement and wrapped them, that was all. So the next year I didn’t bother, and he had a go at DS for not buying them anything. You can’t win.

Fact is that relationships do change once new partners come on to the scene. At this point I would just let it go and leave them to it. It’s not worth getting upset over and your DD will see it for how it is in time.

Cuppachino · 01/12/2019 17:34

Why can't she put baubles on the tree in your house. Simple solution. Would you let his partner's daughter's put baubles on your tree so that they feel accepted into the family?

Eh? His partners DDs don't share the OPs home though. Not an equal comparison at all.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/12/2019 17:35

And the lengths some people will go to minimise away men's shitty attitudes towards their kids when a new partner appears on the screen. Kindly go roll your eyes elsewhere.

Slomi. You know nothing about the OP’s ex DH’s attitude but what the OP has written. Just like all of us. Your interpretation was the stuff of fantasy. 🙄🙄🙄

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2019 17:36

Focus on your own relationship with your new man, make new traditions together, plan your own Christmas and tree. I saw your last thread too. You’re expending a lot of energy on your ex’s relationship and family and it’s got to be distracting you from your boyfriend.

Besidesthepoint · 01/12/2019 17:36

Maybe ask your ex how he wants to do presents, because OBVIOUSLY if you ''insist!!'' on doing it the way you've previously done it then you are CONTROLLING and CAN'T MOVE ON but if you suggest changing it then you are MAKING A POINT and POURING ON KEROSENE!

No she shouldn't ask ex anything. She does presents in her house, he does presents in his house. They are not together anymore.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 17:36

Thank you NoCauseRebel

Cuppachino I was slightly confused by that comparison too Grin

OP posts:
SevenStones · 01/12/2019 17:39

You have been told twice by your ex to keep your beak out. You are the one not trying to get along here.

A thousand times this.

OP, you sound manipulative. "All I want to do is for everyone to get along" said with an angelic look on your face whilst you continue to try to interfere in your ex's life with his new partner.

If I were his partner I'd be saying no to absolutely everything whether I thought it was a good idea or not just to get you to go away.

She doesn't sound a bitch, she sounds like someone wondering when her partner's ex is going to stop interfering in her life.

The sooner you face up to the fact that things are different now, and that you won't be having the same sort of relationship with your ex that you've had up till now the better it'll be all round.

Everycloud12 · 01/12/2019 17:43

If the ops dd had asked to take the baubles and been told she couldn't, that would be mean (especially if the other children had their own).

In this case, I don't see what the issue is? Plenty of people have colour schemes for their decorations and wouldn't put children's own baubles on their tree.

No one has any idea how her tree is decorated and whether she has been unreasonable.

Nothing like making negative assumptions to get you into the Christmas spirit Hmm

Lisamac28 · 01/12/2019 17:43

As a primary school teacher who plans a type of tree decoration to make with my class each December and watches as the children carefully creates their own masterpiece to take home to their family I am sad at the number of people saying they wouldn’t have their children’s homemade decorations on the tree and calling them “shit” or “tat”

But that's just the bland, shallow people on here. I don't know anyone in real life who doesn't love their children's personal decorations on the tree. Honestly, imagine thinking a colour scheme is more important than a child helping decorate the tree with their own baubles. No doubt these 'matching themes' are to match their clinical grey and white sitting rooms.

Courtney555 · 01/12/2019 17:45

Excellent post by @sevenstones

Everycloud12 · 01/12/2019 17:48

Lisamac28, each to their own.

Imagine sitting in judgement on other people's Christmas decor! Especially when many on here have said that they wouldn't display their children's decorations on the tree.

Hopoindown31 · 01/12/2019 17:48

Far too much energy and effort being spent on what goes on in your ex's house.

JacquesHammer · 01/12/2019 17:49

If I were his partner I'd be saying no to absolutely everything whether I thought it was a good idea or not just to get you to go away

Because games are such a sensible suggestion.

Slomi · 01/12/2019 17:50

@AlexaAmbidextra

Neither do you. But continue defending the poor little man and rolling your eyes. That's the cool girl thing to do Wink

IdleBet · 01/12/2019 17:53

The things people glean from a one-sided and biased account on a forum never cease to amaze me. It’s like a bloody fantasy fairy-tale at times. 🙄

I said earlier it would be interesting to hear Ex and new DP version of events.
Works both ways doesn't it?

However, I am now getting bored. There will be many more threads like this from the OP. It's not about the bauble.