Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

Well, actually, my 'pristine' Christmas tree has been a standing family joke since the girls were very young. As a family we determine what the year's scheme and theme will be, with much robust debate, and we enjoy buying bits and bobs to match it. Different strokes, different folks, and there's no need to insult people who do things differently from what you deem to be the one true way of doing things.

Some people just love kicking an OP whether she is the stressed stepmum or the worried ex. Never the man at fault shockingly!

I put DC's handmade Christmas stuff on our tree and around the house every year.

It doesn't mean I love and care about my children more than those who don't.

We are all sentimental in our own ways and it's certainly nothing to feel superior about.

There is literally no evidence of any "fault" Slomi other than that which people have assumed.

I just want everyone to be happy and get along, and everything to go smoothly.

There's more than one variation of everyone being happy. Focus on your house and your ex should focus on his. He's probably only just finding out what his gf's traditions are and rather than stamping his traditions on his first Xmas with her, he's probably feeling his way. As a guess I'd say that you started the traditions at your house?

There will be many more threads like this from the OP.

Too many gifts - showing off/overstepping
Not enough - rejecting DD

Nice gift from DD to OP - as above
No gift - everything’s changed, what a disaster

Some people just love kicking an OP whether she is the stressed stepmum or the worried ex. Never the man at fault shockingly!

Common theme on Stepparenting forum- if your ex asks something like this check what your partner plans to do before deciding whether or not to take the baubles. My guess is he doesn't know or didn't notice his gf's Xmas tree last year.

I think you are getting some harsh responses here @Lollypalooza. This is a learning curve for all of the. Hopefully, things will settle down and you will all be able to develop a more trusting relationship. It's difficult now because things are so recent and you're developing a relationship with someone you didn't choose.

On my other thread I wrote how I’d been surprised that the new DP had (apparently) had a problem with us texting, because just a few months earlier the message was that she thought I wasn’t being friendly enough because I “didn’t make proper eye contact” when I talked to her, and I dropped DD off outside from the car rather than coming to to the house. She also tried to add me on Facebook but couldn’t as I’d previously blocked both of them (just preferred to keep things separate on social media, I am not over-invested in them despite what some think on this thread!). Exh said she was trying to add me “to be friendly”. I then started dropping DD at the door and even went inside a few times, making conversation and making sure I made eye contact and congratulated her on her new job. I felt pleased to have smoothed that over but then the next thing I heard was that she was uncomfortable with us texting. So first I wasn’t being friendly enough, then I was being too friendly.

I think OP should assume that she is parallel parenting and not co-parenting from now on.

No she shouldn't ask ex anything. She does presents in her house, he does presents in his house. They are not together anymore.

They've previously sorted it so that they both help their DD get presents for the other, because she's too small to. It's worked fine. Now she should stop doing so, and just not mention it - not communicate at all - as that would be interfering. Right. That's mature.

You have been told twice by your ex to keep your beak out. You are the one not trying to get along here.

No, she hasn't.

First situation: OP explained how they had a fairly friendly relationship with intermittent casual texts. She was fine with that. SO WAS HER EX. He texted too. Then his DP put a stop to it. OP raised it on here as she was concerned that them not being allowed to text as friends would have a negative impact on their DD not being allowed to see her parents get on as friends. OP was generally reassured. But no, having her ex tell her that their MUTUALLY AGREED FRIENDLY RELATIONSHIP needed to cease was not, in any way, being told to 'keep her beak out' Out of what? His own friendship with her that he was just as active a partner in too? Right...

Second thing is this. OP suggests their DD can bring some of her baubles over. HE AGREES THAT WOULD BE NICE. (And it is, isn't it? Nicer than a separated parent saying no, MY house is home, YOU are the NR parent, you're not having any of OUR memories at YOUR house...) Anyway, he then lets her know that DESPITE HIM THINKING IT IS A SHAME, the dd isn't to bring any baubles. 'Keep her nose out'? No, that's really not what he's saying or the tone he's saying it in.

On top of this, OP's been very clear that she has a new partner she's happy with and has moved on. The degree to which posters have basically gaslighted her on this - sneering oh no you haven't moved on, get a life, realise you're not with him any more... it's all disgusting, frankly.

Honestly I have no idea why some threads go this way. Shocked to see one in relationships and not AIBU, I have to say. But not rocket science to see HOW they go this way. A poster comes on, skims the OP, reads a few of the responses before theirs and gets a taste for the prevailing feeding frenzy and dives in.

You lot should be ashamed of yourselves.

Thank you FizzyGreenWater and also for the reminder that this is Relationships not AIBU.

Lisamac28, each to their own

Imagine sitting in judgement on other people's Christmas decor! Especially when many on here have said that they wouldn't display their children's decorations on the tree

I absolutely do judge people who choose a colour scheme over their childrens home-made ornaments, no doubt so they can get likes and attention on social media.

I absolutely do judge people who choose a colour scheme over their childrens home-made ornaments, no doubt so they can get likes and attention on social media

It must be fabulous getting an entire workout based solely on jumping to conclusions. . .

It must be fabulous getting an entire workout based solely on jumping to conclusions

Christ, that's the worst 'joke' I've ever heard in my life. Cringe.

It’s up to the father and his partner to decide how they run their blended family’s life together. That includes what they do for Christmas and other celebrations, the decoration for their tree and the buying of presents within their family. They don’t need the OPs input or the various opinions of mumsnet on how they decorate their tree. They haven’t asked for it.

I'm going to go with hers being a co-ordinated tree.
I still have the Christmas tree decorations that my daughters made at playgroup - and they're 31 and 32! Our tree was always a hotchpotch, but a lot of my friends when my kids were primary age, had stylish co-ordinated trees with no randomness allowed.

To be honest, I don't think your daughter will be at all fazed by helping decorate a tree in her father's house with someone else's decorations. It'll just be a novelty to her. And to be honest, if ex's partner buys her kids personalised ones she'd have to be a special sort of mean not to get one for your DD. And if she doesn't, well then it's dad's job to take her out and buy one for her new house.

You lot should be ashamed of yourselves.
For what? Warning op that shes probably not going the right way about things?

Lisamac28 - careful you don't topple from your high horse.

I didn't realise it had been proven that your choice of Christmas decorations was an accurate indication of childhood contentment or a measure of a person's love for their child.

Christ, that's the worst 'joke' I've ever heard in my life. Cringe.

And likewise, bless. . . I hope you enjoy your perfect to you Christmas, just as others will likewise enjoy their perfect to them Christmas, however unsatisfactory they may be according to your rigorous (or should that be rigid?!) standards!

Peace and goodwill remember, peace and goodwill. . . , whatever floats your boat really!

I've not read the whole thread but I'm quietly incensed.

Your exh is the one that needs to be making sure his daughter, in her own home is welcome.

I think a PP suggestion of a smaller, maybe potted tree with your daughters decorations on might help. Maybe the step sisters can make some of their own to go on it too. Thereby making a family tree. Make it clear to them they are your daughters decorations and not yours. This really is for your exh to sort out very quickly.

Please don't stop making gift giving special for your daughter. You are doing exactly the right thing in helping her treasure the people she loves.

I think blending families at Christmas and anytime is so very important. When our families blended the first thing I asked all the children was 'what to you enjoy, what gives your pleasure, what special ways of doing something brings you joy'?

We then drew up a very loose Christmas agenda with everyone's wishes.

Lots of little changes to my normal way of doing Christmas, but it's not about me as a stepmother, it's about loving and welcoming all my children.

Blended families don't fare so well if everyone's needs are not considered. It's easy for one child to feel left out especially if they don't get to stay as often as others.

OP, I read your other thread and felt your pain. She’s jealous and I have the same issue with my ex-h to the point that we are no longer able to co-parent in any way whatsoever. He has to be hateful to me to keep her happy and has admitted that. She was the OW so that might make a difference I guess. It’s a much much longer story and I don’t want to derail your thread but the upshot is she has now bought a house 400 miles away to ensure contact with me and DS is severed. I’d back right off and engage with your ex as little as possible. He’ll work it out for himself in the end if he’s got a pair of balls. Unfortunately my ex hasn’t 🙄

No, for piling on OP like a total bunch of bitches in a complete character assassination based on, from what I can see, pretty much little to do with anything she's actually posted in favour of a whole load of jumping to conclusions.

Thank you thecalmorchid

TheFormidableMrsC Sorry to hear the difficulties you’ve been having with your ex.

@Lisamac28 - I colour co-ordinate but I don’t post it on social media and my lounge isn’t grey and white. Get over yourself, just because I don’t want a load of miss matched crap on my tree doesn’t mean my kids aren’t happy.