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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 01/12/2019 16:48

Yes, people who like a colour coordinated Christmas tree are notorious for throwing away cherished items of children’s belongings.

Frankly, it’d be a risk with anyone who puts their own decoration preferences over incorporating the traditions of a little girl who is new to their blended family in an effort to make her feel equal and included, tbh.

‘How I like my tree to look’ v ‘Can I help partner’s daughter feel at home and included at Christmas’.

Tough choice.

namechange4052 · 01/12/2019 16:48

It seems as if you want to repeatedly stoke the fire. Are you still in love with him?

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 16:48

mbosnz Presentgate 😫😫😂 I just want everyone to be happy and get along, and everything to go smoothly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 16:50

JassyRadlett Exactly!

namechange4052 God, no!

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 01/12/2019 16:50

think first if your dd is in any danger or being abused.

So that's the level we're aiming for - wonderful.

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 16:52

It would have been interesting to know what his response would have been if it had come from dd.
Now if she does ask him if will appear that it came from you.

category12 · 01/12/2019 16:52

How about starting from a position of not looking for problems or slights and if the way you do presents now becomes an issue later, then dealing with it then.

30to50FeralHogs · 01/12/2019 16:52

that isn’t the way it’s beem explained though. He said “I mentioned the baubles to DP and she’s not keen”. He could’ve said “I’ve mentioned the baubles to DP but her DD1 and DD2 don’t really have any personal ones so best to keep our DD’s ones at your place”. Or “I’ve mentioned the baubles to DP but she always has a blue and silver theme so don’t think they’ll match”.

She doesn’t have to explain herself to you!! And whatever she says, you’d have a comeback or obviously decide she’s a terrible mother because her own DCs don’t have a selection of their own baubles.

It’s her fucking home and her tree. You need to butt out. Yes your daughter also lives there, but that doesn’t give her (or more accurately you) to impose things from your family time together onto this woman at Xmas. She and her DP will make Their own Xmas traditions - and if he can’t be arsed then it’s not on you to make him. You lost that right/responsibility when you split with him.

Concentrate on your own tree, your own home, your own family and your own Xmas and step away from his before you make a fool of yourself.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/12/2019 16:54

but you have fallen among the “step mothers can do no wrong” brigade.

That actually exists on here? Christ, it must be a new phenomenon then as usually step-mothers are beaten to shit and can do nothing right. They’re normally viewed as evil personified. 🙄

Maxusmaximus · 01/12/2019 16:55

Op, i think you did a very nice thing in offering some of DD’s decorations to ex and his partner.
Their miserable loss.

ColaFreezePop · 01/12/2019 16:56

OP if you have really moved on why the two threads on how his new partner, who you don't seem to have any communication, wants?

Your ex is politely telling you to keep your nose out of his business but you don't seem to get the hint.

This and the other thread are about things that aren't worth battling about. If your ex or anyone in his household starts abusing your joint daughter then you have something to go into battle about.

ISmellBabies · 01/12/2019 16:56

He sounds like a real spineless prick. Obviously you won't now suggest to dd that she takes baubles to his place, but if she does happen to ask, do not do his dirty work and tell her she isn't allowed, let her take some but tell her she will have to ask daddy if she's allowed to put them on his tree and if not bring them back and you can put them all on yours.

And yes, the buying gifts thing is over. Get your parents to buy yours from her and let dh make his own arrangements too.

TuckMyWin · 01/12/2019 17:04

Maybe her kids don't have any special decorations of their own, as it's not something they do, and she doesn't want them to feel left out?

CupoTeap · 01/12/2019 17:04

Op you were very kind of offer to share her special ones. Some people like me and you think these are important and others don't. Hope FYI the is as simple as that.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 17:05

just want everyone to be happy and get along, and everything to go smoothly

And it will be tbe opposite if you carry on like this.

mbosnz · 01/12/2019 17:08

mbosnz Presentgate 😫😫😂 I just want everyone to be happy and get along, and everything to go smoothly.i

Of course you do! And I'm sure it will, eventually. But right now, everyone's trying to sort out their place in the newish situation, and from the sounds of it, the new DP is feeling a bit insecure, and she's trying to carve out her space in the family, make her new traditions with her new partner.

Maybe just give them some space and let them find their way and their feet. You sound a good and caring Mum, and your ex-dp sounds (whatever his faults are) a good and caring Dad, evidenced by how well you co-parent.

I just think perhaps you don't need to go borrowing trouble. If it eventuates that your daughter is feeling sidelined, then that is the time to advocate for her, but until that happens. . . maybe just back off a wee bit? It's their first Christmas together, let them find their way.

User12879923378 · 01/12/2019 17:08

do not do his dirty work and tell her she isn't allowed, let her take some but tell her she will have to ask daddy if she's allowed to put them on his tree and if not bring them back and you can put them all on yours

That's actually getting your DD to do your dirty work, OP, and I can see that you wouldn't do that to her. The right thing to do is to say to her that you and her dad have agreed that "her" tree will be the one at your house decorated by you and her, and the one at his house is going to be decorated by his DP and her children.

That's how my cousins managed being in a blended family - they understood and accepted that their main home was their Christmas base and they'd have less say/involvement in decorations and preparations at the second home, although they were always welcome there.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 17:08

Bollykecks Carry on like what? Suggesting a five year old child hang some Christmas decorations on a tree in a house where she lives 50% of the time? What a horrible cow I am!

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 01/12/2019 17:10

You are no longer together, they are making their own traditions. DD is 5 and will have made these 2 years ago.

New DP will be pulling ALL the stops out this Christmas.

Are you ok?

She is 5. No need for presents to and from each other for anything.

CUT THE CORD.

30to50FeralHogs · 01/12/2019 17:10

Just asked my kids how they feel about me not displaying their stuff on the tree. Two shrugs and “don’t really care”! Some people have a strong emotional connection to ‘stuff’. We have done the Marie Kondo tidying thing and are all firmly of the opinion that stuff does not equal love.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 17:11

lolly sticking your nose in. If you were all amicable your suggestion would be fine. If dd asked herself again fine. But you've already been politely asked to back off and youve ignored them.

Let them (them including your daughter) do their own thing and you do your own thing with her.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/12/2019 17:12

OP, for what it's worth I would be sad too if it was my daughter, this new DP seems determined to undermine your DD's place in her dad's life and he is rolling over and letting her.

The things people glean from a one-sided and biased account on a forum never cease to amaze me. It’s like a bloody fantasy fairy-tale at times. 🙄

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 01/12/2019 17:12

My Christmas tree does not, and never has had, my children's decorations on. We did used to have another tree for their decorations when they were little, but they are now grown up.

30to50FeralHogs · 01/12/2019 17:14

The right thing to do is to say to her that you and her dad have agreed that "her" tree will be the one at your house decorated by you and her, and the one at his house is going to be decorated by his DP and her children

Or just his DP as there’s absolutely no suggestion that she’s including her own DCs and excluding his. She’s probably doing it herself or will include all the children, but just not their homemade decorations.

PicsInRed · 01/12/2019 17:14

It's not your house though, is it? It's the new woman's house.

It sounds like you expect to still be Mum-in-Chief - and in both houses. You can run your own house and your own Christmas tree but their tree has absolutely zero to do with you. You have no evidence that your child is being excluded or treated differently in any way, you're simply disgruntled because you attempted to run the show in their house and were given a polite but firm boundary.

I am absolutely seeing why the new partner is frustrated. You're coming across as controlling and intense about things which don't matter at all.

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