Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

Well that’s great your folks do that. But you must realise that different people have different traditions. Everyone celebrates their own way. Just because your folks do something & you do it, the next family might do something completely different & that’s ok! You seem to assume that other people do/think what you imagine & have assumed that other people should do/think exactly like you.

You sound gleeful in the gf’s supposed jealousy. I think your ex getting his act together with a new person may be causing you to feel bad, like he is acting differently with this person, when he failed to do that for you. I think it makes you feel better to perceive her as being jealous, rather than she’s just fed up of being intruded on, suggested things, etc...

You are painting her as this wicked stepmom but has she actually done anything to upset your daughter or make her feel unwelcome ? Why do you believe your daughter is at risk of being excluded by her ? Is this founded in fact, or fantasy you have created in your mind ?

Lollypalooza
As a primary school teacher who plans a type of tree decoration to make with my class each December and watches as the children carefully creates their own masterpiece to take home to their family I amat the number of people saying they wouldn’t have their children’s homemade decorations on the tree and calling them “shit” or “tat”

What a load of bollocks.
I'm a teacher and the kids spend 10 mins mushing some salt dough (or using a cutter), a bit of paint and glitter and then they don't think about it again until they take it home. Get over yourself.

you’re nitpicking over your ex’s terminology, but just because he used the term ‘she isn’t keen’ doesn’t mean the reason she isn’t keen can’t be because her DDs don’t have any or because her tree is themed. Just because your ex hasn’t communicated her reasons to you (and honestly, he doesn’t have to) doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.

Baubles are obviously a significant part of Christmas tradition in your family but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everybody, for many they’re not a big part of Christmas. Obviously our Christmas traditions are often hugely sentimental to us but not all families will value the same traditions - your DD will be part of two different families as she grows up which will have different Christmas traditions and she will have to get used to the fact the things that happen at Mummy’s house might be different at Daddy’s house and vice versa. That doesn’t mean the experience will be any less magical at either house, just that the things which make Christmas special at one house may be different from those which make it special at the other. You will drive yourself crazy if you try and expect to give her duplicate experiences at both houses so just concentrate on making it special in your house and let her Dad focus on building the traditions in his house, and don’t worry if they’re different.

OP, for what it's worth I would be sad too if it was my daughter, this new DP seems determined to undermine your DD's place in her dad's life and he is rolling over and letting her. They are as bad as each other. In your shoes I would be disengaging as much as possible from your ex and doing all you can to make your DD feel as secure and happy as possible when she is with you. You may have to pick up the pieces in the future when something else arises but try not to let your DD sense your sadness and frustration, just be there for her.

OP, they're giving a vague answer to avoid discussion with you. I can almost picture him explaining it to you:

Ex: We don't have baubles for the other kids so best leave DD's decorations for your tree. Sorry.
You: Why don't you just buy some named baubles for the other kids?
Ex: ... 🤔 we dont want to do that...
You: How about I buy some for your tree for all the kids, my treat?! 😆
Ex: 😶

Tbh, I think they're grey rocking you and deploying JADE. Why? Only they know, but it might be time to back off a bit and respect their boundaries.

i can relate OP! my mum never made an traditions or any effort with myself and siblings but my dad lived not even 5 minutes away. at his new house with his new partner and new step daughter they had their traditions and all her things on display. when myself and my younger brother would go round to spend time with my dad we were never made to feel comfortable. always reminded that was their family and their house and we were just visiting children. fast forward im now an adult and yes my step mum and i have a good relationship, i am always cautious of the way things are as when anything happens my stepmum likes to remind me of 'my place'.

We are talking about a grown woman here, who has been perfectly capable so far to celebrate christmas with children using her own traditions without your suggestions.

Before you comment on them or what they do please think first if your dd is in any danger or being abused. If she isn't then it really is none if your business and you should keep silent. They are adults and perfectly capable of making a nice and loving home for dd. It is up to them to do so, if they don't then they are the ones missing out but it has nothing to do with you. If dd doesn't like it there then she will tell them herself. Just make a nice and loving home for you both in your home.

I do agree that she doesn't sound very nice, but you are overstepping. You have no say over them or their house. Your ex clearly listens to what his new partner wants and it sounds like they only want to communicate about necessities, so medical needs, important milestones, school reports, parent evenings and childcare. You have no say in the rest and it sounds like they don't appreciate it. Your ex is also on board with this, so please just follow. They are a different family to yours.

so i fully agree that trying to get your ex to make new traditions and memories with his daughter and new family together. i know how your daughter would feel if she noticed that she wasnt included and that her father didnt try to include her. being a child that is kept on the outside after all the change in family is a horrible way to grow up. good luck OP your just being a good mum :)

whateveryouwantotcallherifnotstepmum doesn't owe OP a detailed explanation of her Xmas decorating plans

"That's a lovely idea and understand the aim, but we're going to get DD, my dad's etc to personalise new baubles to fit with the scheme here".

Takes a couple if seconds for cruella or ex to say.

He said “I mentioned the baubles to DP and she’s not keen”. He could’ve said “I’ve mentioned the baubles to DP but her DD1 and DD2 don’t really have any personal ones so best to keep our DD’s ones at your place”. Or “I’ve mentioned the baubles to DP but she always has a blue and silver theme so don’t think they’ll match”.

She isn’t keen, you are not owed a detailed explanation. We don’t and never had personalised baubles.

Stop looking for things to be angry at.

*my dd's

If she puts her own children's decorations on the tree but not your dad's, then you would have every right to raise this as an issue to your ex. I do think it would be a nice thing for her to make an effort to include DD since children whose parents have separated can have a tough time and need that extra effort to make them feel at home in both houses.
She might be one of those people who is super fussy about her tree like me and doesn't put anything on there which doesn't match her theme.
I adore my children and they are very indulged in many ways, but I'm quite lucky about my tree, so for me whether yabu or not hinges on her attitude to her own children's baubles.

She's 5. Last Christmas she'd have only been 4. Which is barely old enough to remember tree ornaments from one year to the next, let alone have a sentimental attachment to them. It really won't matter to her.

Lucky = picky

What about the MN old saw of "no is a complete sentence".

Ex and his partner don't owe OP an explanation for refusing the decorations. Most people wouldn't even think it would be an issue. Certainly not loaded with the outrage and assumptions OP has imagined onto it.

Just forget it, op. I think it sounds as though your ex's newish partner is still a bit unsure of herself. That won't last so don't let it bother you.
Your daughter will have her tree at your house and will be helping to decorate her grandparents' one.

Everything @prawnsword said.

I feel if your ex had suggested you giving him some of the many many baubles you’re over run with you would have lamented how dare he and that they belong with dd in her home with you.
Stop looking for battles & seeking to control their lives. I’m sure you think you’re doing it for your daughters best interests but you are actually making things a lot more difficult. Step back.

What they have or don't have on their tree is absolutely nothing at all to do with you. You're interfering and then trying to make it out as if they are in the wrong. You can't let go can you? Your DD won't give a flying fig about baubles on a tree unless you put the idea in her head. What next? Telling them how to decorate your DDs bedroom at their house? Where they should go on holiday because DD likes it there? How to cook DDs favourite tea? If I were your ex, I'd be telling you to stop interfering in his new relationship but instead he's trying to let you down nicely and he says getting slated for it.
As far as his new partner is concerned it probably feels at times like there are 3 adults in their relationship. They will start new, different Christmas traditions and your DD will love it!

In light of all this, I’m wondering if I should make a change to the way we do presents “from” DD to each other. For birthdays, Christmas and mother’s/father’s day. Obviously DD is too young to buy anything herself. So far, we’ve been taking her shopping for each other’s presents- just a token gift eg a pot plant or candle at Mother’s Day, a mug or slippers at Father’s Day, plus getting a card and supporting her to write it. Must stress this is not about the gift, but is for DD who loves to choose something “special” for Mum or Dad and see their happy reaction when she presents us with a gift. Should I now say that from this Christmas we should no longer do this? I could get my sister, my Mum or my DP to pop DD out to the shops to get me a little something (again, not at all because I feel I need/want a gift, but for DD as she likes it and I think it’s good to learn about gift giving as well as receiving). And exh and his DP can sort out amongst themselves eg he might take her two DDs to get something for her, and she take DD to get something for him.

sauvignonblancplz Not at all, I’m not precious about my DD’s belongings being at my house or his house as they are both her house. As a previous poster said, belongings belong to a person, not a house. They are her things. I wouldn’t want to impose any “this stays at this house and that stays at that house” rules, making her feel uncomfortable and as though she has two very separate lives.

I wouldn't worry about it at the moment. A few weeks before the next occasion ask your X what he wants to do and to get back to you when he's had time to think about it. He may change what he does but you can do what you like for presents from her Dad.

I wouldn't make any suggestions re this as again you might be seen to be butting in on how they do things. Leave it as it is, it may well change over the years anyhow as your DD gets older/more able to articulate her own thoughts.

Really just step back as your XP has suggested and don't overthink. Often time sorts these issues out ime.

Perhaps his dp has a coordinated look, some people take design too seriously, not everyone has a tradition of these sorts of ornaments

Why not let the dust settle from treegate before moving on to presentgate?

Should I now say that from this Christmas we should no longer do this?

If he's been ok with this, why now?
Seems a bit tit for tat.

Kerosene ---->>>> 🔥🔥🔥

Elsa said it best. Let it go. 🤷‍♀️