Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

cuppachino

no, go on I think we would all like to hear what you think.

You keep harping on about why its so much better, and how you're only not friends if you're massively insecure, so lets hear the benefits please!

(I mean, I've been a step parent for almost 7 years so I think I know what i'm on about, but please enlighten me!)

(I mean, I've been a step parent for almost 7 years so I think I know what i'm on about, but please enlighten me!)

So what? Do you want a big shiny medal? I've been a step-parent for the same length of time, what's your point?

my point is that you're telling us all how we absolutely MUST be friends with our ex's - and if we're not we're obviously massively insecure.

You haven't actually explained WHY being friends is necessary, or much more beneficial to the children, have you?

I don't want a medal, I just want to stop being diagnosed with insecurity by a stranger on the internet who doesn't seem to know what she's talking about.

my point is that you're telling us all how we absolutely MUST be friends with our ex's - and if we're not we're obviously massively insecure

More lies. I actally said not everyone can be friends after a split.

I don't want a medal, I just want to stop being diagnosed with insecurity by a stranger on the internet who doesn't seem to know what she's talking about

I've obviously touched a nerve. You are so hell bent on people NOT being friends that it's just weird.

no, cup you haven't touched a nerve at all, my relationship with dp's ex is exactly how i'd like it to be, thank you.

I am not hell bent on people not being friends at all, I even said if everyone wants to be friends that's great.

You still haven't told us the benefits for the children of their parents being friends, rather than being civil, have you?

Bollykecks Ok I see what you mean. I didn’t see the two things as related as the first request was to stop texting about anything related to DD and this was related to DD and was not a text, just a passing comment in conversation. But I see what you mean, but just to reiterate both times I have said ok, but will carefully consider in future anything I say.

This was exactly the point that many of us are trying to make. This also wasn't related to DD since you thought if it, DD didn't ask for it. So there was no reason to discuss it with your ex. I do think you mean well but they have set a boundary, your ex has told you this and I find it very disloyal of him to lay the blame at his partners door since he has complied with her request. I get that it is difficult to be mindful of the new boundary but maybe it could help if you would email for a while instead of text. That way you can think about it before you send it. It always helps me if I need to be more business like.

You also keep saying that you need to be friendlier and back off at the same time. They have told you to be friendlier to HER and back off with the personal texting with HIM. That you need to act friendlier doesn't include adding her on facebook because she wants to keep her private life private. Do you understand this?

OP, I realise that a lot of posts sound like an attack to you but the posters are really just trying to get you to see her point of view because that would really help your DD in this situation. The last thing anyone on here wants is a falling out between the two families. We mean well.

(I mean, I've been a step parent for almost 7 years so I think I know what i'm on about, but please enlighten me!)

You still haven't told us what you meant by this? Do you think you're some kind of authority on step-parenting?

no, cup you haven't touched a nerve at all, my relationship with dp's ex is exactly how i'd like it to be, thank you

Oh well, as long as YOU'RE happy with it eh? Bugger the kids and everyone else. Well done.

You still haven't told us the benefits for the children of their parents being friends, rather than being civil, have you?

You seriously need that explained to you? And I really don't think you'd be open to any advice on the subject after you said this:

I don't think parents being friends has any greater improvement on the childrens life, than if the parents are simply civil. There is just no need for a "friendship" there

cuppachino

I mean, I've been through it. I know that being civil works perfectly well. I also know that DSS is a well rounded 15yo so it hasn't done him any harm.

Dp's ex is happy with it too, she has no desire to be friends with me either.

Yes I would like you to explain why its better to be friends, than just civil. It seems like you do not want to, or cant do this.

I personally believe, through my personal experience, that civil is enough. At each others throats in front of the kids? no absolutely not, but civil and polite is absolutely fine. Again several other posters have agreed with me but you haven't jumped on them - why is that?

@Besidesthepoint according to OP, the new partner attempted to add OP on FB, but OP had blocked both her ex and his new partner anyway.

I can see OP’s point. Ex and new partner are being very odd.

I’d not offer or suggest anything in future. Just respond to them, don’t bother with being friendly with either of them. Just keep it civil and steer clear of the pair of them.

If they want friendly and all that shit, I’d tell them you are being friendly. They sound like they’re looking for a reason to fall out.

@Cuppachino I didn’t miss a thing.

None of us know what the truth is, all we know is these requests are coming via him so he’s okay’d them. Time to respect them now and just leave off.

Things change, people and circumstances change. OP can accept it graciously or not it’s up to her . .

Yes I would like you to explain why its better to be friends, than just civil. It seems like you do not want to, or cant do this

Of course I can. Anyone with half a brain knows the benefits. You are not in anyway open to it so why waste my breathe? If you're so interested, Google it.

Again several other posters have agreed with me but you haven't jumped on them - why is that?
Grow up. If you don't want anyone taking issue with what you say, don't post on a forum. I could turn it around and say the same to you.

cuppachino no I am interested, I don't think google can tell me to be honest, I want to know why you think its better. I don't think you can though can you?

I don't mind people taking issue with what I say, I just wondered why you have a massive issue with me, but not with anyone else that is making the same point as me?

OP.

I see where you were coming from. The thought that my DD was decorating a tree at her DF's home with his step children and might see them put nursery homemade baubles on and she didn't have any of hers there would probably prompt me to suggest he might like to have some too.
I can't see anything wrong with that. I also understand that for those that like a picture perfect tree, that this idea would never occur to them. However, there doesn't seem to be much empathy flowing the other way.
You can keep saying that this is an imaginary scenerio in OPs head.....but so is the 'she might not put homemade decorations on the tree' and 'she might have a co-ordinated tree'. You have no idea which one it is. The suggestion that a father might like some of his own dd's homemade decorations for HIS tree in HIS house (I'm assuming it is his too, despite the fact that most people see everything has HERS) is not one that should generate this much of a vile response.
Also Op. I wouldn't keep responding to how 'she' wants you to conduct any future relationship with your ex.
*she wants you to give more eye contact
*she wants you to stop texting your ex
*she doesn't want your child's decorations
*she wants to be friends on fb

I would directly ask him, if this is what he wants, because to be honest, how you conduct your relationship with your ex has nothing to do with her. She can tell him what she wants him to do and how she wants him to behave all she wants, and it's up to him to act accordingly, but you can do what you like. It looks like you not winning at the minute anyway.
So if you prefer to drop dd off at the door- do it.
If you don't want to give eye contact- don't.

How people can't see that those suggestions are quite frankly dictatorial......I don't know.

There was nothing wrong with your suggestion and I think you came here wanting reassurance of that fact.

It's a pity it got unbelievably twisted into something it really wasn't about.

I would directly ask him, if this is what he wants, because to be honest, how you conduct your relationship with your ex has nothing to do with her. She can tell him what she wants him to do and how she wants him to behave all she wants, and it's up to him to act accordingly, but you can do what you like

it is all going directly through him, he's told op what he and his partner want.

It has everything to do with her, they are in a relationship, he and op are not.

Op can of course act however she wants, but she wants things to be amicable for her DD. Doing the total opposite of what the ex and partner want will not achieve that.

He said he wanted the decorations and then came back and said it had caused an argument.

I don't think I'm projecting here to suggest that they aren't on the same page, and pp got it right that he is spineless and an easy life person.

The onerous isn't completely on the OP to keep the relationship amicable....surely?

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that the DP could say yes to the baubles......to keep it amicable, is it?

What would have been wrong with that idea?

no, I don't think they are on the same page, but at the end of the day he came back and said no, the reason why is irrelevant. He said no, end of.

As many posters have said, maybe if it was something the child asked for, she would have said yes?

tbh if dps ex suggested it I would say no as well, because its something she wants as opposed to the child.

What would have been wrong with it is that its what OP wanted, the child knew nothing about it. I am not sure why a new partner should put ops childs decorations up in her house, at the request of op to keep things "amicable"

its on all of them to keep things amicable, but her saying no thanks to xmas decs isn't her being hostile or nasty I don't personally think.

She sounds crazy, you h GH ink shed want to include your DD as much as possible, however my DM would NEVER let us touch the tree at Xmas, or put anything we'd made on it, it had to be just perfect and our tatt as kids just didn't fit the look!

I think the last few posters seem to have a better grip of this situation, the ex is very much so using the ‘she wants’ line and at no point is saying ‘I want’ or ‘we want’
By laying all the blame at the girlfriends door he is creating tension. The OP is not imagining it

Do you actually get that there was a reason behind it? It wasn't done for a point scoring exercise. The OP thought it might be nice that dd's homemade baubles be on her dad's tree.
If you take the position that you don't want your dsd's decoration's on the tree because the exdw asked you.......then I suggest there's something else going on there.

She might not be being hostile or nadty but she's not being 'amicable' either.

*nasty

Hi all am at work today so can’t keep up with individual posts, but will follow along as best I can. Thank you for the continued posts- yes, for the ones agreeing/supporting me but also the others (well, within reason, name-calling aside), which have also given me food for thought.