Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
Menora · 02/12/2019 08:32

It’s clear what they want on this topic. But this now leaves OP in a new territory and she’s trying to learn how to navigate this

doritosdip · 02/12/2019 08:42

It’s clear what they want now, but it was just a couple of months ago I was told I wasn’t being friendly enough. What happens when the goal posts move again in another few months?

It doesn't matter if they find you friendly or not.
The problem is with your ex. He shouldn't have told you that his gf had a problem with the baubles or that you're not being friendly. Just because he says jump it doesn't mean that you have to change your behaviour. If you told him what you thought of his behaviour would he change his ways? Thought not.
The easiest thing to do is if you end up in a situation where you might think you can help ex (baubles, articles about illness) then stop yourself and erase that thought from your mind unless he actively asks so you can't be accused of overstepping /being too friendly. Save your effort for the people in your life who will appreciate it.
He's decided that he wants to be polite rather than friendly. Have boundaries like celebrating DD's birthday separately. You can't know what they are thinking and just because they decide you're not friendly or whatever it doesn't mean that it's correct.

Actionhasmagic · 02/12/2019 08:50

Op you need to move on. Just leave them alone... to quote mean girls ‘why are you so obsessed with me?’

Cuppachino · 02/12/2019 09:01

Communicating about the important stuff and being civil is perfectly fine. And not letting dd play you off against one another. You dont need to be friends. If you start suggesting Christmas get togethers they are going to freak out. Honestly

This reeks of insecurity. This poster is giving the OP a kicking because she's projecting her own insecurities onto the OP. You have projected through this entire thread. Why on earth shouldn't OP and her ex be friends? They've been friends for years.

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 02/12/2019 09:04

You're an over emoting people pleaser with a head of "what if...." it must be exhausting. I'm not attacking you, I am very similar.

You need to put out the fires that happen when they happen. Not create a forrest fire in your head that doesn't exist in real life. My mum is the same and I've picked it up from her.... It is exhausting!

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 09:10

cuppachino it really doesn't reek of insecurity at all! Me and dp have been together 7 years,. I don't see his ex as competition, nor am I threatened by her. Do I want to get together for Christmas nibbles with her? No, i'd really rather not.

I haven't given OP a "kicking" at all. Ive given her advice on how to achieve her goal of everyone getting along. Its clear the exs partner doesn't want to be friends with her, so op pushing for that will not jelp anyone!

I haven't projected at all.

Op and her ex cant be friends because he and his partner clearly do not want that.

isitxmasyet · 02/12/2019 09:18

You sound lovely and very reasonable and clearly have your DDs best interests at heart.

Your ex is going to have to negotiate these things himself so I agree with a PP that I would step back as much as you can whilst still keeping things polite and amicable.

Maybe just don’t suggest things that are aimed at blending your DD into his new family life, however well meaning you are.
That’s really something your ex needs to feel and ensure happens (not convinced he will from the snippets you have said but clearly I don’t know him)

Just be sure you are very open to anything your DD might say and keep her relationship with her dad as comfortable as it can be so she can talk to him also.

It’s so hard when we want everything we have done to have minimal effect on our kids. But realistically they do have to weather some of the changes even if we don’t want them to. It is rarely as easy as wish it to be

Happy Xmas to you and your DD OP.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2019 09:20

Wow poor op! An unnecessary pasting. The party is shit and I’d probably get back to him and ask for the money, saying it would help for Christmas.
And simplify life by not inviting him to any future parties ‘oh you didn’t seem to want to come and you certainly didn’t want to pay so best we do our own parties now.’

Cuppachino · 02/12/2019 09:50

cuppachino it really doesn't reek of insecurity at all! Me and dp have been together 7 years,. I don't see his ex as competition, nor am I threatened by her. Do I want to get together for Christmas nibbles with her? No, i'd really rather not

Please stop telling me what to think. I have read your posts and you have freely admitted that you don't think exs need to be friends. That is sheer insecurity on your part. Obviously some exs can't be friends like me and my ex but my DP and his ex are friendly and it should be encouraged for the sake of the DCs.

Cuppachino · 02/12/2019 09:51

Op and her ex cant be friends because he and his partner clearly do not want that

Because the new DP is insecure and jealous.

Menora · 02/12/2019 09:59

I agree this thread is horrible

OP has known her ex for many years and it is normal to be working out how and why things have changed. We don’t all have horrible exes who we hate, and sometimes women are insecure and unreasonable

I think the ex has made this worse by keep making comments about things his ex says or wants. 100%

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 10:01

cuppachino

I don't think ex's need to be friends, I think if they all want to be friends that's absolutely fine too. but here, that's not the case, so pushing for it will just make the situation worse. A lot of other posters have agreed with that too, so why you feel the need to single me out I do not know.

I don't know why you insist on pointing out an "insecurity" that I absolutely don't have. You and your ex don't get on, is that due to your insecurity? or are you just not friends?

You need to stop assuming you know it all.

I don't think friendship needs to be encouraged for the sake of the children at all. Are your children suffering because you and their dad aren't friends?

I think you need to be civil, communicate appropriately. For the children not to see you argue etc. None of that requires a friendship.

You don't know that the new DP is insecure or jealous at all, she might just be arsed off with OP for interfering.

You cant claim you know exactly what she's thinking (or im thinking for that matter) because you simply do not know.

MsPavlichenko · 02/12/2019 10:03

I wonder if this is a manifestation of your anxiety about your DD's position going forward.

To be honest he doesn't sound any great shakes as a Dad ( both the ultimatum re the Party, and the non payment). But the most difficult thing we have to do as mum's I think is accept that we can't always have the fathers we want for our DC. In my opinion anyhow. Your DD's dad loves her, but that doesn't mean he'll necessarily always do the right/best thing. In reality he is now living with another family with your DD staying sometimes. You might want her to have "two homes" on an equal basis but that isn't necessarily what she 'll get. That doesn' t mean she won't be happy and settled there. Just that her main home will be with you.

Maybe if you adjust your expectations it will be easier for you both moving on.

Cuppachino · 02/12/2019 10:11

I don't know why you insist on pointing out an "insecurity" that I absolutely don't have. You and your ex don't get on, is that due to your insecurity? or are you just not friends?

You do have an insecurity though. You've admitted it by saying "You dont need to be friends. I'm sure if your DPs ex wasn't a nice person you'd have thrown that in alrady so what's the reason you don't want your DP to be friends with his ex? Why can you not cope with it?

I am not friends with my ex because he's not on the scene, he abandoned his DC but when he was around, his girlfriends were insecure messes and jealous of the time he did spend with DC.

Cuppachino · 02/12/2019 10:12

I don't think friendship needs to be encouraged for the sake of the children at all

Yes you've said so several times but you won't say why.

Stegosaurus1990 · 02/12/2019 10:16

I don’t think exes need to be friends, to co parent effectively you just need to be able to communicate. Friendship is an unnecessary level of intimacy and in some ways probably adds more of a complication. You should be able to be open, honest and communicate. I don’t like one of my work colleagues, but it isn’t important to our role. Same thing IMO.

doritosdip · 02/12/2019 10:17

The op shouldn't be wasting headspace and time worrying how ex and his gf interpret her actions.

I think it's highly likely that he's agreeing with both women because he thinks that it's his ticket to a hassle free life. If ex was interested in friendship then he wouldn't be using his new dp as a scapegoat for change.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 10:19

cuppachino do you know me personally in real life then?

You aren't friends with your ex, and that's totally ok.

Yet I say you don't need to be friends with an ex but apparently I am insecure. How does that work?

My dp's ex isn't a nice person, but frankly that is irrelevant. I am not sure I would be friends with her even if she was the most lovely woman I have ever met. she isn't part of our family, and me and dp aren't hers.

Yes you've said so several times but you won't say why

why? because its not necessary. I have said several times what I think is necessary. I don't think parents being friends has any greater improvement on the childrens life, than if the parents are simply civil. There is just no need for a "friendship" there.

Please stop labelling me as insecure, its getting pretty wearing now.

snowball28 · 02/12/2019 10:24

You absolutely don't have to be friends with ex’s even if you do have children. That does not make someone insecure, far from it really. It takes a confident and secure person to install boundaries when it comes to defining the new relationship between two people who used to be in a relationship that have children together.

In this instance OP needs to just back off her ex and his partner. The baubles here are a red herring just like the texting issue was too.

Menora · 02/12/2019 10:33

The issue here is not whether or not they should be friends, but they were friends. They decided to be friends between them both. Mutually. It doesn’t seem like OP made up an imaginary friendship

The issue is they now need to stop the friendship as ex has a new girlfriend who doesn’t like it. Ex may well want that himself, but he’s blamed the girlfriend for it in my option

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 10:36

menorah I think its usual for things to change between ex's when one of them gets in a new relationship, and I think op should respect it. Just as I think her ex should respect it if it was her that didn't want the friendship anymore.

It does seem like he's blamed the GF but its made clear they cant be friends anymore, so that's how it has to be.

Cuppachino · 02/12/2019 10:36

snowball28

Have you missed the bit where OP said she and her ex were friends for years after splitting, until he met this new DP? No-one has said every couple who split should be friends. OPs ex even told her it was because his new DP is feeling insecure. This is from the other thread.

X is a bit uncomfortable with us texting about anything other than DD so might have to keep it businesslike from now on. Hope you understand”

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 10:38

cuppachino Christ, what don't you get about things change when people move on?

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 10:39

he also said "uncomfortable" not "insecure" what is your obsession with labelling people as insecure?

"uncomfortable" could mean several different things!

Cuppachino · 02/12/2019 10:39

I don't think parents being friends has any greater improvement on the childrens life, than if the parents are simply civil. There is just no need for a "friendship" there

Honestly, I mean where on earth do I even begin with a statement like this. You know what, I'm not even going to bother.

Swipe left for the next trending thread