Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
Menora · 02/12/2019 06:56

@30to50FeralHogs

People have been so unpleasant to OP about this instead of using their experience to guide her through this new situation. Lots of us have been there, and there have been clashes and learning curves to be had. I’ve seen some serious nastiness on here that I don’t think was necessary. Good solid advice will always trump bitchy insults

Yes it was me who called one of my exes GF’s an evil bitch - she called one of my children fatty to their face as a nickname, would brush their hair so hard and tight they would sob and cry, try to throw away their clothes and toys, try to manipulate me into moving house to where suited her and forced her way into their lives and parenting decisions. She was truely horrible. But I have also experienced a lovely stepmum who the DC have now and I’ve never had any of those worries.

Besidesthepoint · 02/12/2019 07:01

People have been so unpleasant to OP about this

No, people are frustrated because the OP absolutely refuses to see that she made a few wrong communication choices. She only says thanks to people who agree with her. The worst thing that can happen in this situation is OP not taking the criticism on board. The EX has put boundaries in place and she refuses to comply. The whole point of the boundaries is to stay civil. The way the OP is going poor DD is going to be the victim of her behaviour. We care about the child.

Besidesthepoint · 02/12/2019 07:03

OP, you are divorced. Presumably because one or both of you wanted something different. This is the different. You are not one family anymore, you do your thing, they do their thing. You have given no reason to believe that DD is unhappy when seeing her father. You need to trust him now.

Menora · 02/12/2019 07:06

I don’t think she’s has made wrong communication choices

She’s been texting her ex for 3 years now, and did not realise (why would she know this without being told?) his new partner didn’t like it and has now been told to stop. She’s stopped. She made a comment to her ex about Christmas’s decorations and he has made a point of telling her he would also like to have the decorations, but his ex doesn’t want them

‘I agree but it’s caused an argument so just leave it’

From her end, it feels like the new DP is making a lot of changes to the dynamic and ex Is clearly communicating that this isn’t coming from him. OP has her own partner and nothing changed in this way. This has made her naturally anxious as to whether there are deeper issues and if DD is fitting in at the new house with the new family 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 02/12/2019 07:08

Besidesthepoint One of the posts I said thank you For was this one from sauvignonblancplz

*I’m going to imagine for a second that your intentions are genuine. You genuinely want everyone to get along in your new normal & foster good relations for the sake of your daughter & a positive co-parenting relationship.

With that in mind, your current behaviour isn’t working. It’s making you worry & your generosity it creating resentment for yourself. You’re being natural and protective of your daughter when she’s away from you & in a new environment, that’s totally normal & in fairness must be upsetting for you. You’re ready to pounce in defence of your daughter which again is natural.
Take a few steps back , this transition is completely out of your control, be a consistent string person for your daughter, don’t over think her time away , or the milestones she shares with her dad, don’t pepper her with questions on her return.
The fact that you still want to send your ex articles shows a desire to chat, old habits are hard to break.
Focus on yourself , if you find yourself dwelling on the other household , stop.
Just focus on what you can control.*

This is just the kind of advice and support I suppose I was looking for when I posted here on the Relationships board. It doesn’t “agree” with me, and largely makes the same points as many disagreeing with me, but without calling me bitter and twisted.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 07:10

@TheFormidableMrsC

Well it wasnt aimed at you. No need to take it personally.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 02/12/2019 07:22

Menora Thank you, I appreciate your post as I think you really understand my feelings here. Especially this:

She’s been texting her ex for 3 years now, and did not realise (why would she know this without being told?) his new partner didn’t like it and has now been told to stop. She’s stopped. She made a comment to her ex about Christmas’s decorations and he has made a point of telling her he would also like to have the decorations, but his ex doesn’t want them

Also, to the people saying I’m “refusing to comply” or “insisting” just to remind that to both requests (to stop texting non-DD related things, and to not send Christmas decorations), I have simply said “ok”. No insisting or refusing to comply.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 07:25

The "refusing to comply" people are taking about is the being told to back off and then suggesting the baubles. Ie ignoring what they said and still muscling in.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 02/12/2019 07:32

Bollykecks Ok I see what you mean. I didn’t see the two things as related as the first request was to stop texting about anything related to DD and this was related to DD and was not a text, just a passing comment in conversation. But I see what you mean, but just to reiterate both times I have said ok, but will carefully consider in future anything I say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypalooza · 02/12/2019 07:32

Stop texting about anything not* related to DD that should of course say.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 07:34

But it wasn't something dd wanted. Its something you suggested. I can see how that fits in with their "not about dd category"

I would honestly just only contact him when you need to. About important things

Menora · 02/12/2019 07:36

A suggestion is not a want

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 02/12/2019 07:37

Bollykecks I didn’t choose to contact him about this. It was a comment in passing in a face to face conversation, which he agreed with at the time. But I will consider what I say in future. As acknowledged by me and many on this thread, this is a change for me, a shift, and we are all just muddling along trying to get things right.

OP posts:
Menora · 02/12/2019 07:38

And sorry but I think this is one of those typical situations where OP will never actually find out what the ex and DP want from her

OP is already treading around on eggshells - do I say X? Do I ask them to DD’s party? She doesn’t understand what the new DP wants from her - friendly/not friendly/too friendly

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 07:40

I think its very clear what they want from her.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 02/12/2019 07:44

It’s clear what they want now, but it was just a couple of months ago I was told I wasn’t being friendly enough. What happens when the goal posts move again in another few months?

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 07:48

I would continue on the "only contact when neccesary" path. You do not have to please them. Like you said you just want your dd to be happy. You dont need to be friendly with them. Just keep it proffesional and then theres no overstepping from you anf if they come on all "lets be friends" just carry on as you are. Youre entirely blameless then if they start arguing or whatever.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 02/12/2019 07:51

Bollykecks Thank you

OP posts:
Ohffs66 · 02/12/2019 08:02

As a SM:

DSC asking if they can bring some baubles from their mums to put on the tree. No problem, of course (assuming I'm not a matchy matchy tree person and my DCs are also doing the same)

DSCs mum saying she will send baubles over to go on the tree. No. Weird. Go away.

heidiwine · 02/12/2019 08:07

I can see both sides here. I’m a step parent and it’s a minefield - believe me.
This is my advice (based on my situation).
Children are more likely to thrive when their parents (and step parents) get on and work together in this case there are boundary issues (which I don’t think you see). The bug change is that your ex has moved in with his DP and her kids. You are (understandably) feeling something about this (for yourself and your daughter).
So, if I were you (with the benefit of hindsight on my own fucked up situation)
I would invite your ex, his DP and her children over to yours for a pre Christmas drink - a glass of wine and some nibbles. Perhaps give her children a small gift. Do all of this with sincerity and a genuine desire to LIKE his DP or at least get on with her. There might come a time when it would be good to have her to rely on occasionally.

I can’t tell you how important it is that the parents of children work together in these circumstances. Do it for your daughter. Make it your number one priority to form a positive relationship with her step mum.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 08:11

I would invite your ex, his DP and her children over to yours for a pre Christmas drink - a glass of wine and some nibbles

I would not do this

DuchessMinnie · 02/12/2019 08:12

@Ohffs66 has it spot on. I am a SM and DSC can bring whatever they like as decoration. XW has sent over lots of house stuff in the past which gets "mislaid" if it's too much. It's my household not hers, although all DC and DSC can contribute.

TheStuffedPenguin · 02/12/2019 08:13

I think its very clear what they want from her

Exactly and I would go as far to say that these things are actively breaking down the relationship . They will be living with the thought "what next ? " The end result is that any "good" in all of this is just hidden under the fuss and unpleasantness that it causes. OP , they will actually end up pitying you as you will come across as someone who cannot move on . As they said in Gold Digger you are the BEFORE and they are now the AFTER .

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/12/2019 08:28

I can’t tell you how important it is that the parents of children work together in these circumstances. Do it for your daughter. Make it your number one priority to form a positive relationship with her step mum

Communicating about the important stuff and being civil is perfectly fine. And not letting dd play you off against one another. You dont need to be friends. If you start suggesting Christmas get togethers they are going to freak out. Honestly.

Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 08:30

No, people are frustrated because the OP absolutely refuses to see that she made a few wrong communication choices. She only says thanks to people who agree with her. The worst thing that can happen in this situation is OP not taking the criticism on board. The EX has put boundaries in place and she refuses to comply. The whole point of the boundaries is to stay civil. The way the OP is going poor DD is going to be the victim of her behaviour. We care about the child.

Absolutely. She can't see anything wrong with her behaviour. It's fine to her, and that's the end of it.

It's not fine to them. She's been told twice to keep her beak out, and rather than respect two people who are not interested in her unwanted interference, is now online looking for behaviour to be validated.

As PP says, she's only thanking people who don't have issue with what she's doing. And ignoring the vast majority who are seeing through the "it's for my DD" stance. Both occasions, the interference has come fully from OP with DD having no involvement. Absolutely she's going to cause problems if she carries on. For DD.