Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

I think the problem is that you're getting mixed messages from your ex/gf. That's assuming that your ex isn't telling both of you what he thinks you both want to hear.

I think that your motivations are honest but your ex clearly wants to leave behind the routines and Co parenting relationship that you had. Stop being helpful. Assume that he will ask you if he can have a dd bauble if he wants it.

They were dickish about the party and it's a snapshot into the mixed messages that they are giving you but in your shoes I'd withdraw completely. Assume that you're parallel parenting from now on and detach about what happens at his house unless dd brings it up. It is sad that you can't be friendly any more but your ex shouldn't take up this much headspace.

He’s spineless. Also, I might have misread this, but if he’s only been with her for one year and he’s already living together then I think even less of him. He should pay you for the party.

I don’t think you are unreasonable in your bafflement of this OP, but I would let it go

My DC are 15 and 17 and I will be putting all their baubles on the tree forever, I don’t have a ‘theme’. Ex DP has never asked for them and I don’t actually want to share them with him anymore anyway!

One thing he did really upset me, he took 2 beautiful and expensive hand drawn portraits I had done of the DC age 2 (individual ones). He’s got them hanging in his hallway and I secretly hate him having them because he’s a shit dad but I have never ever brought it up 😂. Just think that you get to keep those special things and they are the ones missing out. He will soon realise if DD’s home never feels like home because of his partner, and more fool them

Are you trying to make sense of this situation because it doesn’t fit what you want for your daughter- all the adults to get on without misunderstandings?
You have been given plenty of options on why it could be your ex has said no.
Do none of them fit with what you underlying think?
Are you worried that if the communication with you is confusing to you there may be confusion for your daughter.
Because it sounds like you are handling the communication fine and as a PP said surely it is much more important how your daughter is . If she is happy healthy and has a good relationship with her dad all this stuff about baubles isn’t important. What are you really worried about?

2 of them have their own special decorations
Not necessarily, my Kids don’t have their own decorations.

I don’t know is anyone posting on this thread has actually ever had to share their DC with their ex and new partner, but OP’s worries are normal. Her child is 5. She still very little and OP wants to protect her. It’s really unsettling when your child is going to stay over at someone’s house you barely know, and it’s totally natural to worry if they are ok, settling in and getting along. The ex isn’t helping to reassure OP that is the case. She seems to have been unsettled by some comments and situations that are making her question whether DD is being included

There is something really wrong with people here, or it’s just a complete lack of empathy/experience

Menora Thank you

I would still stay out of it though OP, as much as you can. You might have to let go of the ideal of co-parenting as friends because I am not sure that this is how it is going to work anymore. Although that would be best for DD, it might not work for ex and his DP.

My DC have a step mother and I have a good relationship with her and she is very lovely and kind to my children. I have no worries. But the one before that was an evil bitch who wouldn’t even let him come to a parents evening with me. I stopped inviting him and never bothered to remind or invite him again, it’s all up to him to attend DD’s events and I do not even talk about them in passing anymore. Which is sad. I also don’t offer voluntarily to share anything about the DC because if he wanted to know, he would ask. If I was to ask him about Christmas presents he would behave as if I was being intrusive and controlling, so I have to wait for him to ask ME about Christmas’s presents. The year we both got them the same present was infuriating 😂

Those two won’t last OP. I know you don’t want him back btw! I just think that your ex will eventually see sense and get with someone nicer.

supermeerkat got the crystal ball out have you? nothing to suggest she isnt nice.

OT, but obviously people in here are very passionate about Christmas, however they deck their tree. . . if you haven't already watched it, 'Klaus' on netflix is an absolutely gorgeous movie. It even made my hardened 14 year old cry!

Cross post with Bollykecks. It's not like DD asked, or it's something the dad has always done, it was OP's idea. I suspect this is why she said no.

If I was the new DP, I'd view this as my partner's ex trying to muscle in on mine and my partner's way of doing things. It's your ex's job to include his DD in things when she is at theirs, not yours. Leave them alone, the new DP has done nothing wrong here.

Those two won’t last OP. I know you don’t want him back btw! I just think that your ex will eventually see sense and get with someone nicer.

Or maybe she doesn't want OP to change the Xmas traditions that her daughters have been raised with? It's perfectly acceptable for a child to do Xmas differently at each parent's house

I think the new girlfriend is feeling a bit threatened by you. Hopefully it will calm down in the future. I don’t think sending your Xmas decorations over to be put on their tree will help. Let your daughter put the existing baubles on your tree and let your ex and his gf create their own tree and traditions- they might let her and the gf’s children create/buy their own decorations special to that household. To be honest I don’t think I ever had special decorations as a child, nor did my stepson.

I think initially you might need to step back a little from your close relationship with your ex husband.

My kids have never had decorations to call theirs on the Christmas tree. It's just not something we've ever done and not something I'd want to do as I like my baubles coordinated. So I'm with ex's gf. Ex may be quite happy too but trying to keep you happy by agreeing with you.

There's obviously two camps of thought here - there are the exes who seem determined to stay in their ex's life and refer to the new partner as batshit, crazy ,bitch etc and then there is the other camp who like myself has to deal with this sort of stupidity from an ex. What will you be doing next OP ? Wanting to give Joint Mum and Dad presents ( which hasn't happened before ) because you cannot bear that there will be a present from Dad and whoever on their first Christmas together ? Move on , grow up and enjoy your Christmas with your daughter as she will with her Dad and his new partner .

I think the new girlfriend is feeling a bit threatened by you.

No she isn't but she is probably sick of your stupid attempts using your child to have a go and he is likely thinking " I wish she would just fuck off " ( with her stupid ideas) but feels he cannot say it for the sake of your child.

Whao, all of this assumptions being made her. None of us, including the OP knows whether the ex and/or his wife are good 'uns or not. But the OP has a small child who will be affected if they turn out to be unkind to a small child, so obviously she is trying to read the signs.

I’ve never had decorations that were ‘mine’, with initials, name etc. Neither have my children. I wouldn’t really like it to be honest as it’s not really for me the point I’m decorations.
Maybe it’s more innocent than you think.. maybe she just doesn’t want her girls feeling left out if you daughter puts some up with her name on etc. They might moan and make her buy some for them etc.

@Bollykecks I didn’t say that anything was OK, I said your statement was nasty. It’s extremely cruel to dismiss anybody out of hand as a ‘bitter and twisted ex wife’. My ex husband’s girlfriend is a cunt, she is a cunt to our autistic DS. She calls me that. It’s a vile term used by people who like to project. I am not slagging off stepmums. I’ve been one. If protecting my vulnerable DS makes me ‘twisted and bitter’ then I’ll gladly wear that crown.

I don’t know is anyone posting on this thread has actually ever had to share their DC with their ex and new partner, but OP’s worries are normal. Her child is 5. She still very little and OP wants to protect her. It’s really unsettling when your child is going to stay over at someone’s house you barely know

Plenty of us have been in the exact same situation as both the OP and her ex’s partner. We can see it from both sides, in both the situation this thread refers to, and the previous thread where OP posted about her texting the ex and being asked to keep it business only.

Blended families are hard. Everyone has their own ideas about how it should work. But no step-family has ever thrived without some understanding and boundaries put in place by all parties.

I say this as someone who is considering going on a holiday with my ex and my DP, and who regularly spends time with my DP’s ex/in-laws etc.

It’s hard when others don’t see the issue but your gut is screaming “I’m not comfortable with this!!!” when sometimes you can’t even articulate why. It’s not always the obvious thing that is upsetting, but what it represents.

People (myself included) have been harsh on this thread because they fee frustrated that even when it’s pointed out that this behaviour is not ok to ex and his DP, the OP seems determined to say “but it’s ok TO ME, I can’t see a problem and therefore it’s ok”.

The most important person in all of this is the DD (and indeed the DP’s 2 kids too) who need to feel that they are equally important to the adults in that house. That’s on dad and DP to ensure.

OP can be there to support her DD and to assist IF AND WHEN needed, but by preempting problems that haven’t even happened yet she’s just borrowing trouble from the future.

OP take a step back. Let DD enjoy her time with her dad, don’t ask the details about how they decorated the tree or pry for any info you can use to prove a case against your ex and his DP.

Try to be upbeat and relaxed about it and then your DD won’t pick up on your stress and anxiety over this. If there are any issues they will come to light naturally, you won’t need to force them out of her. If you make a big deal about it she’ll notice your negativity and feel uncomfortable talking to you about her time with her dad.

My stepdaughters mum would never send decorations from her house to mine, she understands that’s batshit and overstepping boundaries.

Stop looking for reasons to be angry at this poor woman. Leave her be ffs.

I have a feeling that you're so used to overcompensating for your ex's feckless ways, that it's hard to step back and do nothing.

Your ex is going to do what he does and nothing you do will prevent your DD being hurt or disappointed at times.

At his house, it is up to him to do what' right for DD. If he doesn't, that's on him.

When you think you need to say something or do something with regards to their home or how they do things there, repeat to yourself not my circus, not my monkeys and let it go.

@Lollypalooza I have read through both your previous thread and this one. At no point can I see that any of the communication has come from the DP. Everything has come through your ex.

So you dont actually know what was said by DP or how it was said or even if it was said.