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Original poster

Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

649 replies

Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 13:50

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree? Sad

OP posts:
GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 01/12/2019 20:12

Well, Fizzy I think the posters who are encouraging the OP to believe there is something terribly wrong here are not doing her any favors.

There may well be problems in the future but right now all this worry is really needless.

Coyoacan · 01/12/2019 20:15

I can't believe the people accusing OP of all kinds of intentions and feelings there's no evidence of. Would none of you be a bit worried by the attitude of those two people? Telling her that she has no right to be a bit worried is weird. It may well just be teething problems but it could also be a sign of something much more worrying

NoFucksImAQueen · 01/12/2019 20:16

I'm really surprised by all the responses here Confused I dont think you have done anything wrong here op

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 20:17

I can't believe the people accusing OP of all kinds of intentions and feelings there's no evidence of

Thats exactly what op is doing to her ex and his partner!!!

Would none of you be a bit worried by the attitude of those two people?

No not at all. I dont like dps ex interfering and sticking her nose in either and yet we still manage to include dss and have a good relationship with him. Imagine that.

DramaLlamaLady · 01/12/2019 20:20

Fizzy because when you've been on the receiving end of it you get sick of the excuses and generally dip into a lifelong state of automatically blanking out those who believe it.

Whatever else has happened is separate from this and is just muddling the waters.

When theres actual victims of this shit telling you exactly how someone constantly making their presence known (I've got a restraining order on another ex for it. But no kids for that one to hide behind) I think that holds a bit more weight.

DramaLlamaLady · 01/12/2019 20:21

Forcing your presence is NOT welcoming its SUFFOCATING.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 20:22

DramaLamaLady “victims”? A restraining order? Being on the receiving end of “it”? Receiving end of what?! Being asked if a child can put some baubles on your Christmas tree?

OP posts:
DBML · 01/12/2019 20:24

I haven’t read the whole thread, but so what?

Every bauble on my tree has to be white, gold or silver. No colour allowed and only certain shapes allowed. No tinsel. Yes, it’s sounds anal, but it’s my tree. A child isn’t going to notice if her baubles are up...put them on your tree.

In my opinion, focus on:
Is the new gf kind to your daughter? (This doesn’t have to include putting her homemade baubles up!)
Is your daughter kept clean when with her dad?
Is your daughter getting healthy food when with her dad?
Is your daughter getting sleep?
Does she feel loved by her dad?
Does she see her regularly and consistently?

Aren’t they far more important than stressing over the small things?

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 20:24

DramaLamaLady I think you are projecting something that has happened to you onto something much more simple here. I am sorry you have had a bad experience. I hope you are doing ok now Flowers

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 01/12/2019 20:25

He was a dick over the party. Next time you see him I would ask if he can transfer his share of the party cost as you've now noticed it didn't come through, and it would be useful for Christmas.

I think your ex is a spineless 'quiet life' type, but I also wouldn't rule out him painting each of you women as the annoying shrew when talking to the other.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 20:26

lolly you see it as nothing but theyre clearly getting a bit annoyed.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 20:28

Butterymuffin The party was back in June.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 20:33

Bollykecks

From their point of view the whole thing went:

Conversation in person
Him: we’re putting the Christmas tree up this weekend.
Me: ah that’ll be fun. When I get the decorations down from the loft maybe DD could bring some of hers round to go on your tree.
Him: ah yeah that’d be nice.

Later A conversation between him and his DP- I don’t know what was said.

Next day text conversation
Him: I mentioned to DP about the baubles.
Me: what baubles?
Him: she isn’t keen
Me: oh I see what you mean, that’s a shame as I’m sure DD would’ve liked putting some of hers on your tree.
Him: I agree with you and it’s caused an argument so to be honest I’d rather just leave it.
Me: ok

And that’s the entire thing.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 20:34

Yes, but youre still dwelling on it. Youre creating scenarios in your head and assuming your daughter will be left out...

You need to drop it and move on.

sauvignonblancplz · 01/12/2019 20:36

I’m going to imagine for a second that your intentions are genuine. You genuinely want everyone to get along in your new normal & foster good relations for the sake of your daughter & a positive co-parenting relationship.

With that in mind, your current behaviour isn’t working. It’s making you worry & your generosity it creating resentment for yourself. You’re being natural and protective of your daughter when she’s away from you & in a new environment, that’s totally normal & in fairness must be upsetting for you. You’re ready to pounce in defence of your daughter which again is natural.
Take a few steps back , this transition is completely out of your control, be a consistent string person for your daughter, don’t over think her time away , or the milestones she shares with her dad, don’t pepper her with questions on her return.
The fact that you still want to send your ex articles shows a desire to chat, old habits are hard to break.
Focus on yourself , if you find yourself dwelling on the other household , stop.
Just focus on what you can control.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 20:39

Sauvignonblancplz Thank you very much. That is very well, and politely written and useful advice for me. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 01/12/2019 20:40

All I can say is the people who are more obsessed about their interior design coordination than making a 5 year old feel welcome and included in 2 households have some warped priorities in my personal opinion . The OPs ex needs to grow some ‘baubles’ surely it’s ‘his’ tree as much as his new partners and if that includes his daughters much loved baubles then so be it. I would be thinking twice if I were him about being with such a control freak

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 20:42

All I can say is the people who are more obsessed about their interior design coordination than making a 5 year old feel welcome and included in 2 households have some warped priorities in my personal opinion

We dont even know if she has a coordinated tree ffs. That was an assumption. also the request didnt come from the dd so its nothing to do with the dd being made to feel welcome is it! The dd doesnt even know!

The partner is not the control freak here

Blondieg · 01/12/2019 20:43

You've been separated 3 years, I'm sure if your daughter didn't care about her baubles on his tree the last three years it wont it occur to her this year unless your making a big deal of it for some reason.

Original poster
Lollypalooza · 01/12/2019 20:44

Blondieg I’ve answered this throughout the thread. He hasn’t previously had a tree.

OP posts:
Everycloud12 · 01/12/2019 20:47

Where does this idea of "much loved" baubles for a 5 year old come from? Do some of you live in the little house on the prairie?

Cantsleeppast3am · 01/12/2019 20:47

Why are you sending your kid to that house??? Baubles are the least of it, this women's resentment of her will spill over into everything!

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2019 20:48

this women's resentment of her will spill over into everything!

What resentment?

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/12/2019 20:49

cantsleep are you being serious? Christ on a bike!

Cuppachino · 01/12/2019 20:52

Where is that post? All I can see is one where he wanted his partner there and he said her children needed to be there...

Of course you're going to say that^ because as predicted it doesn't fit your narrative to admit the truth. You're absolutely deluded.