Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

When I read the thread title I thought it sounded well cunty. But actually reading it, I'm with the partner.

Your dd didn't ask to put the baubles on the tree, you did. If my dh ex started trying to dictate what went on my tree, I'd say no.

Having baubles with your dd name in is a bit much too.

If you dd made her dad decorations then yes, they should be on the tree and it's mean for his partner to say no. But your scenario I'm with the girlfriend.

I didn’t mention baby keepsakes, baby keepsakes have nothing to do with anything for me! Just that a previous poster asked would I “even” send baby keepsakes over of the DP was looking at memory boxes with her DDs, as though it was some hugely weird thing to do and I just said well yeah, why wouldn’t I do that if they were all looking at keepsakes together.

It's up to your ex and his dp what keepsakes etc they have in their home.

If he wants to look at keepsakes but she won't let him have any, that's his misfortune and nothing to do with you.

Unless you know it is upsetting your daughter, it's non of your business.

But op it would be hugely weird to do!

Unless they specifically ask you for things it is very weird to send them!!

Did your DD ask for this?

Where are his balls @Lollypalooza? Are they on your tree, because they’re certainly not on his!
I know it’s only a tree but where does your DD fit in here?

OP with this 'keep sakes baby shite' you sound totally unhinged.

Just stop it now.

Let them enjoy a normal Happy Christmas.

Use your own decorations, they use theirs. Make your own 'little holiday packs' and leave them be. You are being creepy.

Sorry if my post seemed a bit harsh OP, hadn't realised the thread was so long, and in effect I might just be repeating what lots have said.

The key thing is that you can't make him be a good dad.

The fact is that you don't feel that you can trust him to make her feel included, and that won't change by you trying to include her by proxy. If anything it will have the opposite effect, as if they're rowing because of something you suggested, then your DD will feel the fall out of that.

I know it’s only a tree but where does your DD fit in here?

She could well be fitting in quite nicely its just op assuming that she isnt!

I'm going to get some grief for this but I have very specific Christmas tree decorations 😬 I like it matching and I wouldn't want any home made decorations on my tree. Maybe that's all it is? Maybe it's not personal at all. When my kids were younger, they used to have a mini tree each to put their own decorations on in their own....no ones allowed to touch my tree ha ha 🙈

OP, for your own mental wellbeing, you need to stop imagining what's happening in the home of your daughter's dad, stepmum and stepsisters.

If your daughter comes to you with a problem, that's one thing, but all these imagined scenarios aren't helpful. Nor is injecting yourself personally into other people's lives even if you were in a relationship with one of them once.

Haha I notice all the people who are piling on the OP has totally ignored the latest post where the exs new partner demanded that her and her 2 DDs attended OP DDs party. Now that's controlling but won't fit the pile-ons narrative will it?

DramaLamaLady Why shouldn’t I send over a few of her newborn clothes, if in the instance that the DP (a Mum) was looking back at her DD’s keepsakes and reminiscing about them being babies, my exh (a Dad) could also reminisce about his child being a baby?

No no no. You're doing that classic control thing and answering something that wasnt asked by ignoring the key word. Preemptive.

You would one day randomly send these keep sakes over preemptively incase a situation arrives.. to what.. save the immense difficulty of him asking at a later date "mind if I take a couple of dds baby bits for myself"?

No. You wouldn't do that. So the christmas stuff is no different and weird that you expect her to not feel pressured by you doing this.

I dont think it is controlling i think its the fact that her and the dh are together.. why wouldn't they go?

This is entirely different..

OP give up.

The number of nasty little stirrers and hoity-toity 'You WILL be at fault!' no-marks on this thread is

Cuppacinno I didn't ignore them. I agree with the partner there too. Why should they contribute to OPs arrangements if they're not invited? No theyd spend that money doing their own birthday activity with the daughter.

fizzy right so because we think op has crossed a line we are nasty little stirrers and hoity toity no marks?

Hmm. I prefer "realist"

It's not hoity Toity to not like another woman micro managing your actual adult and family life.

OP needs to back off. Who dedicates as much time as op has to dissecting the decorating intentions of another woman?

Haha I notice all the people who are piling on the OP has totally ignored the latest post where the exs new partner demanded that her and her 2 DDs attended OP DDs party. Now that's controlling but won't fit the pile-ons narrative will it?

Where is that post? All I can see is one where he wanted his partner there and he said her children needed to be there...

Wow, back off MORE than simply replying 'ok' to his two texts telling her what to do?

OP, next time make sure you reply with ONE letter only. Any more is simply NEEDY.

Reply 'k' to the next text or you are a total drama llama.

This thread has made me smile. All this agro over damn baubles!

Get a grip OP.

Yes, fizzy ie dont suggest this shit in the first place!

He isnt telling her what to do! Hes answering no to her question!

The 14 pages of dissecting inconsequential shit over some christmas nick naks is the part she needs to back off from. She isnt in control of any aspect of this family and her suggestions are not relevant to their life or happiness. Accept it. Quickly.

It's not hoity Toity to not like another woman micro managing your actual adult and family life.

Good thing she's a million miles from doing that then.

Honestly, are you literally blanking out OP's description of how she was told to be MORE welcoming? Questioned for blocking them on fb because that was her not being friendly enough? How does that fit your narrative, can you explain that for a start?

This isnt being more welcoming. This is her trying to push herself and what she wants into their life.