Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

YES. YES IT REALLY IS. Lots of people keep telling you how it feels being on the receiving end of it too. You are not doing it to placate anyone feelings but your own imagined and projected ones.

You're assuming your dd is going to be pushed out all the time. These constant suggestions imply that the woman is doing something wrong or cant be trusted.

Back off and if your daughter ever comes to you and says "actually we did this this week but I wasnt allowed/couldn't join in" then fine but until then you are literally pecking another adult to death with your "preempting"

Leave other people to dree their Christmas tree OP it is NOT your business.

Your DD will not be being left out.

Your DD is 5, no room for even having established traditions in her head. they are in yours.

Blocking the new DP on fakebook is not 'setting boundaries' btw, it is clearly something else.

You need to move on.

Literally pecking another adult to death?

Did you send him a copy of the invoice, tell him what his half of the party bill was and provide bank details for the transfer...or just wait for him to ask?

Yes I told him how much half of the party was and my bank details.

To be honest I would think you were being a bit weird sending baubles over. Like you were trying to insert yourself into my home. I would prefer to establish new Christmas traditions etc. that you do not play a part in.

Please remember this is Relationships and people come onto this board for support with things that may be difficult or sensitive. This is not AIBU.

Well he sounds a right cunty biscuit then.
I would do whatever it takes to allow his partner the space to feel comfortable and build a good relationship with your DD. Sounds like DD will need her on side when she's with ex.

It might not seem controlling in a family who already do personalised/ named baubles etc but if ex’s partner doesn’t have any traditions like that and has colour coordinated decorations or just has a box of generic decorations then it might seem controlling because you’re trying to have a say in how they decorate their tree. If you knew that ex’s partners kids have their own baubles or DD had asked it would be different, but to just assume that all families should do the same traditions you do could come across as controlling.

As I’ve said none of my DC have personalised baubles with their names on and so this seems like a strange concept to me, I probably wouldn’t be keen if someone suggested putting a load of baubles with names on on my tree. Personally I hate things with slogans or names on so there isn’t anything like that in our decorations box.

It does sounds like this was more a misunderstanding/ ignorance on your part that some families don’t decorate their tree in the same way that you do and therefore an assumption your DD must be being left out rather than an attempt to control, but hopefully hearing from Mumsnetters who don’t bother with personalised decorations has helped alleviate some of those worried your DD s being excluded and you can see that it’s likely they just don’t have as much importance on baubles in that family.

Also for what it's worth I never ever decorate with kids stuff. Yes its special and we keep things they make but the fact it's not on display in my home has no correlation to my love for them.

The cold hard fact is no one gives a shit about your kids creations but you. They mostly look shit. And the personalised ones are no different than offering her other things from your marriage. Would you send over a few of her newborn clothes too so she doesnt feel left out if his partner gets her kids baby memory box out?? I dont see how the baubles are different because they're Christmas themed.

I like my home to look nice. Kids rarely make nice looking things. My kids are represented in my home in plenty of ways that are far more special to us and have cemented our bonds together organically with time and experience. Christmas baubles cannot do that.

DramaLamaLady Why shouldn’t I send over a few of her newborn clothes, if in the instance that the DP (a Mum) was looking back at her DD’s keepsakes and reminiscing about them being babies, my exh (a Dad) could also reminisce about his child being a baby?

Oh, please don't actually send newborn stuff over.

You have to wait for your ex to ask for things like that, OP.

If asked by ex or by DD to send over baby clothes it would be reasonable. It would be weird to send them over on your own accord so they had them just on the off chance the ex was going to get out a box of baby clothes and your DD would be left out.

Well I obviously didn’t actually mean I’d take it upon myself to send baby keepsakes over, but if the Mum was looking over keepsakes with her DDs, why wouldn’t my exh, a Dad, be able to look over baby keepsakes? It’s not like his/our/our DD’s whole life should be erased/forgotten from before he got together with this DP.

You sound to me as if you are, in my family's terms, 'carrying a can of petrol'. It really does sound as if you are looking for trouble, if not actively creating it.

You don't actually have any reason to believe that this woman is actively excluding your daughter, or that your ex-partner is facilitating it.

She might be watching the two girls put their familiar family baubles and ones with their names on etc on and wondering where hers are and which ones she can put on.

This is an imaginary scenario because they might, like countless other households, not have family baubles with their names on it at all.

I think you need to take a very very big step back and leave their household to do things the way they want and you do things the way you want.

I don’t think anybody’s saying that he shouldn’t be able to look over the keepsakes, but rather that it’s up to him and not you to be in control of that. It’s not your place to send over things like that for your ex unless asked by him or by DD (in which case give them to her to pack in her suitcase and get out herself). You can’t just decide that it would be nice for those things to be at the other house if neither ex or DD have expressed a want for them.

Yes, actively creating trouble... by inviting the DP and her DDs to a birthday party, by jumping through hoops set about firstly being not friendly enough and secondly too friendly, by daring to send her DDs sweets and colouring books for their holidays!

I have to say, we dint have personalised baubles and none of them are Dc1 or dc2.

If I had two dcs who no baubles that were theirs and the s suddenly had a dsd who is coming with hers, that would crate an issue between the children. Why does one have ‘hers’ baubles and not the others? Is there any preferential treatment there etc....

So my first reaction is that, even if it is coming for the ex’s partner, she will might well have very good reasons to not want your dd to have her own personal baubles on the tree.

I think the best is to step back and let her create her own traditions with her dad whilst you have yours with her. They will be different. And that’s ok. But you can’t impose on your ex to carry in following a tradition that you had created together.

@Lollypalooza how much have you actually spoken directly with your ExDH's partner? An awful lot of what you have described seems to be filtered through your Ex - he says she says. It does make me wonder if he is enjoying causing trouble between his new partner and his ex wife.

Oh, OP.

You really need to climb out of their heads. Your own head is so full if them and the what-ifs that there's no space left for you and building your own new family with DD.

Its almost as if you view them as the primary family and your role as some sort of facilitator to making that family work. There are two families. One is yours. Pour all of your love, attention and time into that. Honestly. Back away from the other family, OP.

OP its sounds as if you are struggling to accept that your ex has now moved on to what seems to be a serious relationship with his DP as they are living together as a family.

Of course your ex is going to want to always support his partner and their life together, it is her whom he is in love with not you, she is his future not you.

Your DD is of course a part of their family and their future but you need to help positively supporting her and not be finding little reasons to believe she is being excluded in their home. Everybody there is trying to find their own place in this new family and there may well be some insecurities that in time will settle down for all concerned. Your DD needs to know and feel that you are happy for her to be a part of his family, she may well have new siblings there too one day.

It will help you and your DD if you were less invested in what goes on in their lives, concentrate on your own home, and new life and let them get on with theirs.

why wouldn’t my exh, a Dad, be able to look over baby keepsakes?

He should want too.

But it's not your job to make sure that happens. You are not going to be able to control these things.

He should want too

Some people arent arsed with keepsakes! Its either your thing or its not!

Op youre being a bit weird! If you want to look over baby keepsakes you do that. You cant force your ex to follow suit.