Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

I never had my "own" baubles as a kid. Many don't. If the insecure nutcase partner's kids don't have their own personalised decorations then I can see why she isn't keen.

If they do she's a total bitch.

Maybe it's because it's you making suggestions etc. Not the childs idea and request. The fact it's you asking sort of takes the meaning out of it and starts feeling overbearing and makes you a weird presence in the relationship. That's what would make me feel weird. If my step daughters asked me of their own accord I wouldn't think twice about it.

100%

And if you read the other thread OP has linked that she wrote, this isn't the first time that she has been asked to back off by both of them. Both situations are things instigated by her, that DD has had no part in. As several PP have said, she's far too invested in their relationship.

I wonder how her Dad raised this.
“Oh, Dd has some favourite decorations that she always likes to hang”
Or
“ExW said she would send fine if Dd’s baubles yo hang in our tree”.
Does he own the suggestion, as Dd’s dad or introduce it as you putting something into their home ?

Personally I wouldn’t have thought offering to share the baubles unless Dd / Ex asked.

@Lollypalooza

You sound like a really lovely Mum

Taking decorations to her Dads isn’t something that would have crossed my mind tbh, but I can understand your thinking. (And even if it had, he’d have had to prised the decorations out of my vice like grip though, I’m very sentimental about the stuff the kids make).

The decorations are a bit by-the -by though. The real issue is your Ex being a spineless twat. HE agreed it would be nice for his daughter to do that (so it’s irrelevant what 209 randoms think) but it’s more important to him to appease his gf than to allow your DD to do something that would make her feel included/special/wanted - whatever.

It’s worrying the the woman seems to
want to push you & DD our of his life, but more worrying is that HE is just letting her

I don’t think you sound over invested, you just sound nice and he sounds like a spineless twat.

I think all you can do us see how things go and see if DD seems happy or not when she’s been there. I hope for her sake she is.

DDIJ
Really? We have a cardboard fairy constructed at primary school, some old CD’s decorated and hung on ribbons from scouts (these are so awful that I hang them on door handles, the side that never gets seen) and various stitched-felt snowmen etc from I don’t know where.

Also I have always bought the Dc a bauble each every Christmas, and when they leave home, they can be theirs.

The ex's new partner may well be insecure. Is that a crime?

Of course it's not a crime but anyone who is this insecure over a 5yo girl and her partners ex really has no business getting into a relationship with someone who has children. Or at the very least, they should be working on these insecurities with their partner.

I suspect they if your DD had been at their house and suggested putting up baubles that she had seen whilst out shopping with them they day or brought home from school that week the answer would be very different. It’s because you have suggested it and are trying to make your presence known in their house.

I’ve just asked my similar aged children if she remembers baubles that she made last year and she has no idea what I am talking about. I think you are putting ideas in your daughter’s head and you’ll be the reason she is upset.

It’s worrying the the woman seems to
want to push you & DD our of his life, but more worrying is that HE is just letting her

How do you deduce that shes trying to push her out by saying no to his ex wife?

BlouseAndSkirt Good point about how it was raised. Yes, I can see that that would make a difference.

DDIJ Yes, because this whole thing only came about because he mentioned they were going to decorate the tree this weekend.

To the poster (sorry can’t remember name) who asked if I would have her DD’s baubles on my tree to make them feel part of the family (obviously this wouldn’t come about but-) when they went on holiday in the Summer holidays, my DD and I made little holiday packs for the three girls (my DD herself plus the DP’s two girls) with a little colouring book and pencils, stickers, sweeties.

And if you read the other thread OP has linked that she wrote, this isn't the first time that she has been asked to back off by both of them. Both situations are things instigated by her, that DD has had no part in. As several PP have said, she's far too invested in their relationship.

I agree.

I understand why it looks pretty if you've either not experienced it, or because you are also one of these types, but its bloody suffocating and is definitely NOT about the child. It's about another person exercising control and micro managing everything.

Sometimes I do think it comes from over compensating for worries about frictions and difficulties arising. I'm not saying it comes from a malicious place but it really is unpleasant either way.

Shes basically assuming she knows best how to aid the inclusion of another human (ie the child. Her own person. Not an extension of you OP.) Into a family she knows nothing about. That is exceedingly arrogant and controlling.

OrangeZog My DD is not aware of this.

Looks petty*

Cuppachino - there is nothing to suggest (so far) that her insecurities are having a detrimental effect on the child.

They'll have a detrimental effect on the relationship between adults though and that'll effect the kids. Especially if OP scares off partners when they cant deal with being micro managed by an adult assuming authority over their own space and thoughts and wants for their way of living.

He's putting his partner's feelings about this before OP's. How does that make him spinless?

Do people really expect him to argue with DP over something that his DD doesn't care about?

If this were upsetting his child it would be completely different.

For fuck sake do not suggest this to your dd OP.

Her dads partner will KNOW it's not natural. You can spot a kid repeating its other parents suggestions a mile off.

Literally the only person that's upset is OP because another adult declined her suggestions on how she decorates her house.

We don’t know whether DD cares about it or not. It might be upsetting her right now, as she is over there and they are doing their tree. She might be watching the two girls put their familiar family baubles and ones with their names on etc on and wondering where hers are and which ones she can put on. Then again she might not be. I was pre-empting that feeling and literally just thought it would be nice, that’s all. DD has moved into these children’s house, with all their toys and their things, she doesn’t have her own bedroom there and shares with the youngest DD (rather than the two sisters sharing). Is it really controlling and micro-managing to suggest she can have a few of her decorations.

You chose battles you can actually win! You've got absolutely no right to tell them how to run their home or family. Your DD didn't suggest this YOU did. If stepmum has her 50% of the time I'd be very wary of making things difficult because that will blow back on DD more than likely. The fact that you're upset enough about this to post on a forum doesn't bode well....

my DD and I made little holiday packs for the three girls (my DD herself plus the DP’s two girls) with a little colouring book and pencils, stickers, sweeties.

That, again, is you sending things to their house and injecting yourself into their family holiday activities. You really need to take a big step back from that family. It is a new family and not yours.

You're trying to insta-force closeness between your two households that would, under the very best circumstances of co-parenting and blended families, take years or decades to cement.

I can see what you want - it's a laudable goal but it's a very long term goal and not guaranteed. What the more critical of this thread are trying to warn you of is that you are on track to achieve the very opposite with your actions.

she doesn’t have her own bedroom there and shares with the youngest DD (rather than the two sisters sharing

That makes sense considering they presumably live there full time.

Is it really controlling and micro-managing to suggest she can have a few of her decorations.

Yes.

When it’s based on nothing but mights and maybes, it is.

Let her dad help her to feel at home there, let him concern himself with how things work between her and the DP’s children. If she doesn’t have a room or any of her stuff there, a couple of bauble will make literally no difference to her feeling ‘at home’ there.

I’ve just remembered that exh had been seeing the DP for around 4 months when it was DD’s birthday party- a whole class party in a church hall type thing, with family members, cousins etc. He said he would not contribute any money towards the party unless his new DP (of 4 months at that point) and her two DDs could come to the party. I couldn’t decide what to do- whether to just say fine then, I’ll pay for it myself as I don’t want them there, or say ok sure they can come and be breezy and friendly. In the end I did the latter. I felt very under scrutiny all party with her there amongst the school mums and my parents and so on. He never actually transferred me any money towards the party.

Is the the ooh poor me bit where you try and justify your actions?