Now ExH’s new DP doesn’t want any of DD’s baubles on their Christmas tree

[Lollypalooza]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my ExH’s DP had apparently said she’s “uncomfortable” with he and I texting about anything not related to DD.

Thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749751-Exh-s-dp-doesn-t-want-me-to-text-about-anything-other-than-DD?pg=1&order=

but just for background- we were together ten years, been separated three years, amicably. Five year old DD. Both in new relationships. He lives with his new partner, they’ve lived together less than a year (i.e. this will be the first Christmas they live together).

Yesterday I saw him to swap DD over. Brief conversation about plans etc and we got onto the topic of putting Christmas tree up. He said they were doing their this weekend, I said we’d probably do it next weekend. I said that when I get the decorations down from the loft DD could choose some of her baubles to bring over to his place and put on the tree there- she has lots, including bought ones with her name on, ones in the shape of her first initial, ones she’s made such as salt dough, as well as general ones, Santa and so on. He agreed that would be nice.

I sort of forgot about it but today received a text from him- “I told DP about the baubles and she’s not keen”. It took me a sec to realise what he meant- she doesn’t want DD to bring any of her baubles over to put on their tree. I replied “That’s a shame as DD does live there too and I’m sure she’s like to have some of her own decorations there”. He replied “I agree with you but it’s caused an argument so I’d rather just leave it”. I just replied “ok”.

Caused an argument? Over a 5yo girl putting decorations on a tree?

No, for piling on OP like a total bunch of bitches in a complete character assassination based on, from what I can see, pretty much little to do with anything she's actually posted in favour of a whole load of jumping to conclusions

Well said. There's an awful lot of projection going on in this thread.

Anyone got space on their high horse for a little ‘un?

Lisamac28 - I colour co-ordinate

I know you do, that was obvious from your pile-one replies to the OP.

#pile-on

It’s not a pile on reply. It’s my opinion.

Anyone got space on their high horse for a little ‘un?

Absolutely, so long as you have suitable helmet and footwear. . .

Oh, except, that I've got the wrong colour high horse. . .

Lisamac, you got room on yours?! [

Well said. There's an awful lot of projection going on in this thread
Yes how like the sms christmas decorations reflect her feelings for her step child

The step mum might be like me - in that I never allowed the dc's homemade decs on our beautiful, tasteful main tree! They had trees in their rooms or the playroom to put all their tat creations on. (They're older teens now)

Your dd is only little - she will be none the wiser, and you can make a thing of having her decorations at your home.

Yes how like the sms christmas decorations reflect her feelings for her step child

It's ridiculous, isn't it? :o

I'm certainly not trying to pile on the OP. I can see her concern, and yes, it potentially could be a valid one.

Thing is though, that she doesn't know. She doesn't have enough information to go on. Exp's new dp could be a Christmas Tree Militant, who doesn't put any of the children's baubles on the tree, not hers, not the DSD. Or she might be a vicked evil stepmother who is going to make sure that DSD knows she's second best and tolerated in her household.

I do think the best way to 'everyone getting along' as being the goal, could be backing off a wee bit, and just letting them find their way, while keeping a weather eye out for words or behaviour from her DD that indicate that things do need her to advocate for her daughter.

If it helps, I’ve now got dd11 trying to dictate a beautiful co ordinate Christmas tree. Which is all very well but she wouldn’t have wanted that when she was ds’ age - 5!

I think your ExH will be regretting his choice of partner within a few years. Leave them to it and let DD enjoy Christmas with you.

yellow why? Because she may or may not colour coordinate her christmas tree?

No, for piling on OP like a total bunch of bitches in a complete character assassination based on, from what I can see, pretty much little to do with anything she's actually posted in favour of a whole load of jumping to conclusions

Well said. There's an awful lot of projection going on in this thread

There is. Mainly from people projecting the “wicked stepmother” trope onto this woman they’ve never met, based solely on two threads by her DP’s ex wife about boundaries. Apparently the DP isn’t allowed any.

Any number of reasons my arse, she probably has a “theme” and extra baubles will spoil it.Silly Bitch! Let’s hope your ex comes to his senses soon OP.

Seriously? Getting called a silly bitch for having a matching tree?

Better than being a bitter and twisted ex wife i suppose

Are people as intolerant of people doing things differently to the way they do it and think it ought to be done in real life as they are on Mumsnet?

In which case, Christmas must be a real blast in some houses! (Remember the Christmas Cold War of 2007-2010, The Christmas Civil War of 2011, and let's not forget the Christmas 'Police Action' of 2012. . .'

@Bollykecks

Better than being a bitter and twisted ex wife i suppose

That’s a really nasty comment.

So is calling someone a silly bitch based on their crimbo decs. But its fair play to slag off a step mum right?

Bollykecks Not for having a matching tree. For not allowing a child to put 3 or 4 of her own decorations on the tree. Also just to point out I myself have not used any of those terms- silly bitch, cruella etc.

30to50FeralHogs If you read my last post you’ll see I did have boundaries- had them blocked on Facebook, dropped DD at the car rather than door and was brief in conversation. I was then told the DP felt I “had a problem” with her as I “didn’t make eye contact” when I talked to her and didn’t come to the door. She also tried to add me on Facebook (boundaries?). I made more of an effort to come to the door, make conversation and make eye contact but was then told she is uncomfortable with us texting. I don’t like to play games and am beginning to get confused about what she (or he?) want. But as the most recent message is to stop texting and no Christmas decs, that’s what I’m doing. I’m posting on here to ruminate but have literally only replied “ok” both times.

The ex's new partner may well be insecure. Is that a crime?

There's no evidence to suggest that this is causing any distress to the DD.

Not for having a matching tree. For not allowing a child to put 3 or 4 of her own decorations on the tree. Also just to point out I myself have not used any of those terms- silly bitch, cruella etc

The child didnt ask. You did. Very different.

I know you didnt. I never said you did.

Maybe it's because it's you making suggestions etc. Not the childs idea and request. The fact it's you asking sort of takes the meaning out of it and starts feeling overbearing and makes you a weird presence in the relationship. That's what would make me feel weird. If my step daughters asked me of their own accord I wouldn't think twice about it.

Op you asked to let your DD put the decorations up. As far as I'm aware (I may be wrong) your DD is oblivious?