Hi
I'm 39, been with my partner 18 months, he's also 39. We live together. I have no children, he has one aged 15. We're on the verge of breaking up over the issue of children. It breaks my breaks heart because I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. Sorry it is so long, its hard to summarise these things! Any advice would be appreciated as I feel at my wits end.
Just before we moved in together at 8 months, I brought up the issue of children and I feel he didn't react positively. We were in a restaurant, and in what I thought was a romantic moment, I told him I wanted a child with him. Said it hasn't felt right in my last relationship of 18 years because I wasn't that deeply in love with him, I'd almost convinced myself that I didn't want kids as something just didn't ever feel right with him. That for the first time it feels right for me, that he made me laugh so much and we have such a great time together and have so much love that I could picture kids. He said well it's not all roses, they are hard work, they are stress, I guarantee it will change our relationship. Nothing positive! I got upset. He said he feels kinda on the fence, he has one child so doesn't feel a desperate urge, but if I want a child "one day" he could have one. That's the problem, his "one day" when I'm 39!
And basically this cycle has continued for the past year, building up until now where we've exploded. We've got stuck in a cycle where I bring up kids, remind him at 39 it's kind of now or never. I have endometrosis and fibroids so fear I may have ferrility challenges and we'd need to try for a long time anyway.
He says he wants kids but I'm putting too on much pressure. I need to be patient and allow the bond to grow naturally. I say I know we haven't been together that long, and I wish I was 29 not 39 and we could have a good number of years just enjoying each other, but there isnt that time. First 6 months of living together we had a handful of rows about it, admittedly I got hysterical at times, about once a month we'd split up, because it always felt when I brought it up, gently, he would freak out and only say negative things. He says if I could remain calm he would be in a place wanting children. I say if you wanted children I'd be calm!
We've had many hearts to hearts, calm ones, about what's holding him back. He says he had one child with a woman he barely knew and he wants to be sure this time it would be in a relationship that will last. He said just show me calmness and I will want this. So I really tried, we didnt disciss it for a few months, things were lovely, and I asked him if we could try soon maybe in a couple of months and he said yes and much to my delight he started not withdrawing in me straight away. That was July.
Then the next month, I told him it was ovulation time, come and shag me silly and he freaked out. Said it wasnt sexy don't tell him when I'm ovulating. Poured out loads of negative feelings. Said he had shouted at his dog the day before (he does do this annoying high pitched whining) so what if he doesn't have the paience to be a father full time? He had a bad relationship with his own father who was emotionally abusive and uncaring, occasionally physically abusive, who he doesn't speak to. He said what if I'm like my dad? (He wouldn't be anything like that!). Said he's not done full time, hes worried about the feeling you can never have a break/escape. The stress and sleepless nights, says he likes being selfish and his lie ins etc. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but I remained calm, and tried to talk through all his fears and ways to deal with them (I said anytime you need a break, it's fine I'll hold the fort you take yourself off for a few days etc).
But the calmess only lasted so long. He began picking fights with me over small things and we rowed. I was trying to keep calm but failed, he was pushing my buttons. (He has a totally different perspective and feels I've been attacking him, its so frustrating he doesnt see hes always been the one to initiate fights and it feels like sabotage to me). He carried on month after month, half up for trying but not if he got a hint it was my ovulation days suddendly our pasionate sex life would falter (he'd say oh Im tired, but I suppose we have to I'm scared of upsetting you). Things got calm again in October and we tried more properly that month but again he showed reluctance and we stopped trying.
Admittedly, as this issue has continued, I've not handled it well. I break down and cry. He tries to get away from me and I follow him round the house contuining the fight. We stay up till 5am arguing. He leaves and I blow up his phone. I understand where he is coming from, I do get intense and it's not helping. I'm just in a sheer panic now about missing out on children. I also have zero family everyone has died so that makes me emotional too. I told him I really really will try harder but I need him to meet me half way, even if we halt trying, at least start to give me some positive talk. To talk about how lovely kids could be, how we'd bring them up etc.
After five months of this behaviour it's all come to a head. A few weeks ago I realised that I always intiated sex, all year, the whole time we've lived together where he was all over me before. Our sex has always been great so I hadn't really noticed before. I brought it up, asked if it was baby related, said it affected my self esteem. He exploded and said here we go again you cant stay calm (I had been!) this is why my head's not in the right place. He stayed at his mums for a few days, thought we had turned a corner. He came back saying I want kids, began for the first time talking positively and talking through the practicalities (suggested moving near his parents to have their help). Said let's have a couple of months of calm and start again in the New Year. I said fab.
So we have a few weeks of calm and then a few weeks I took his hand and said I bloody adore you, when we try again in Jan can you promise me there'll be no doubts and starting and stopping? He flew off the handle saying I can't stop the pressure. He sent me links to articles about borderline personality disorder and implied I'm mentally ill! I'm not whatsoever! Im a 39 year old woman in a panic I'm missing out on kids. I said it's huge alarm bells that just a month or so before you say youll be ready to start trying for a baby, you react like this. He is putting all the balme on me (all year hes suggested I have counseling - I did - the emphasis is all about how I need to fix myself). I suggested couples counselling, and him having counselling alone to figure out what he wants, but it falls on deaf ears. He swears he wants children with me and its exhausting trying to convince me he loves me. He says his wobbles are just minor things, why can't I show him the patience and hold his hand through his little doubts.
He's now at his mothers and I've suggested a month break. I know and fully agree with him that I need to react better. I'm trying to get across to him it's a two way thing and his behaviour is sabotaging and so triggering, he needs to show me more positivity. Now weve taken a step back, I also feel worried he is (subconsciously not maliciously) gaslighting me. Trying to convince me I'm mentally ill, to project away from the fact he doesnt fully know what he wants and is afraid to commit. He barely talks about his fears of having children, and plays them down, makes out our only problem holding us back is my behaviour.
Some background on him... We've had many heart to hearts about it. He told me when he'd got his "fuck buddy" pregnant he'd known for three weeks in his early 20s (he suspects she trapped him saying she was on the pill) he was devastated. They'd gone to an abortion clinic and just before it was about to happen she ran out saying she couldn't do it. He stood by his child. For 15 years has paid maintenance and seen his son once a week. But he said he felt depressed for many years because he didn't want kids with someone he didn't love/barely knew. He resented giving up nights out staying in with the baby when his friends were all out. Said it contributed to him smoking too much weed to numb himself (something he did for over a decade, he has given it up completely since meeting me). When his son was 6, he felt bad he'd never given the mother of his child a chance romantically and they were together 18 months. He said he didnt ever fall in love with her and she pushed for moving in and they split. They are amicable enough and make it work, but there is underlying tension as she doesn't really involve him in decisions (for example, when he was 6 she was letting him wander off to the park on his own where teens where drinking and smoking, he went nuts, even now she will text him to say been to parents evening weve decided he is dropping this GCSE, so tells him stuff but wouldn't dream of having invited him to parents evening and asking his opinion - he moans about it, but arguably he could find out the date and get himself there!).
He lived with one other girl who got pregnant and had an abortion, they were together 4 years, that ended 7 years ago. She was 11 years younger, said he did love her but age difference challenging, they were volatile and she cheated on him and hed taken her back. It was a different more recent ex of his who I got chatting to in the beginning when I was trying to figure him out, who told me he had "made her" have an abortion. I asked him about it, he said they'd agreed mutually to have an abortion, she was young and studying, he felt the relationship was too volatile. I thought ok fair enough.
I don't know what to do. This has become toxic and both of us feel close to a breakdown so it can't carry on like this. As much as I want a baby, I know it wouldn't be fair to being a child right now into our relationship as it is. I don't want a child where I feel I've held a gun to his head, I only want it if it feels right and both of us are fully on board. I know how having a baby tests the strongest of relationships. I also really don't want to let him go. I feel so sad this issue is destroying a love that felt so wonderful. In between all the drama, we laugh so much and we have always been able to be super affectionate.
I've thought about leaving him and having a sperm donor. But it's not right for me a) I have zero family so would feel completely alone in it and b) I just don't want a baby for the sake of it I want that only in a loving stable family unit.
Rationally, this relationship hasn't turned out how I hoped, but at 39 I don't think it's a good idea to start again and try meet someone else to have a family with. I don't think there would be the time to bond with someone and it could be a disaster to look for a relationship when pinning my hopes and hapiness on a guy to give me my last shot at a family.
And I really love him. I'm so confused. Some days I think ok be smart, get super calm, be patient through his wobbles. You can win him round, we are close. Believe and trust him when he says he wants a child. Then I think ok get real, there have been too many red flags, he's a commitment phobe and it doesnt matter what I say or do. Happiness and all he wants could be right here and he is sabotabing it and I deserve better. I feel angry hes delaying so to ensure biology takes the decision away from us. It's really a pressure cooker also because we were in the middle of moving house, we'd spent two months finding the right place (a doerupper to renovate and make money on), viewed 40 houses. We were so excited about a business venture together. Yesterday I cancelled the house sale with our buyers. I wanted to show him I am on the brink of giving up and I hoped he would have a u turn.
If we both want the same thing like he swears, why is it so hard?! I want him back so much but I'm scared of us just repeating the same pattern. I know I can try a bit harder to give him calmness but I keep saying to him, my emotional outbursts are a symptom, I can try to do better but when the cause, his reluctance, is repeatedly coming out I can only manage that symptom not make it go away.
Have thought about IVF where we freeze our fertilized embryos and wait until things feel right. That that could take the pressure off and allow uus to have a baby only when things are right. He had said it was a great idea. I felt sad thinking it meant if he was prepared to spend £10k plus on that (money we'd have to borrow) he really is not anywhere near close to wanting a baby and so would it be a waste?
I said to him in the beginning, when I met him I was quite enjoying a child free life, and if he'd have told me he didn't want kids I think I'd have stayed with him because I really love him. But this half in half out situation is torturous.
Thoughts please. Am going crazy.