Reconciliation after estrangement?

[Albinoni]

I have NC'd for this but have posted in the past about my relationship with DD1 and was grateful for the advice and support which I received. The posts have since been deleted, at my request, but some of you may remember 'Lobster Boy', and my concerns that DD was in a controlling relationship and that I risked losing her.

Unfortunately, my fears were justified as DD seemed to become more and more withdrawn from the family, saying that her BF was her family now. She ghosted all of the family entirely for six months - apparently she just blocked us all - then there were occasional calls and she did send birthday cards etc. She moved house without providing an address and we didn't see her for two and a half years. I cannot begin to describe how painful that period was for me and DH and her sisters, but those of you who have been through this process of living bereavement will understand.

Anyway, the good news is that there has been a reconciliation following a lunch on neutral ground, in a restaurant, earlier this year (she lives hundreds of miles away from us). Prior to that, she had provided her address, so that we could send some books to her which are relevant to a course which she is intending to take next year. At the lunch, she said that they had married the previous year, and we said how pleased we were, and contact continued to improve.

The following month they asked if they could borrow some money to put towards buying a property and we agreed. Shortly after that, DD told me she was expecting a baby (due any day now), which I was overjoyed about. Then, a few weeks after that - and this is the part I am really struggling with - we received a letter from DD and SIL enclosing photos of the 14 month old which they already had. The accompanying letter was quite upsetting as it said they hadn't told us about DGC because they didn't want her to experience broken relationships and they hadn't been sure whether or not they wanted us involved at all, but they felt guilty at taking our money and not telling us about DGC.

DD and I subsequently had an emotional conversation and, since then, DD has been in contact with me virtually every day with messages and photos and is behaving almost as though nothing has happened. She says I can't think about the past or what I have missed and clearly wants to move forward. I know that she is right in that we cannot change the past and she assures me that she definitely does want us to be involved.

But I am in such turmoil over this. Obviously I am thrilled and excited about the reconciliation and the DGC, but I feel so desperately hurt and upset that she didn't tell any of us about all of these things, especially as I believed that we were close before. I am really struggling, to be honest, although it's early days and there is a lot to come to terms with.

We haven't met DGC1 yet as I think we both felt that it would be better to wait for the baby to be born and then meet them both together, when the emotions have died down a bit. The last thing I want to do is cause her any stress at this time and I sense that they are anxious at our meeting her PILs for the first time. I am also anxious about it, although they sound like lovely people and have been very supportive to DD. But goodness knows what they must think of us. I am also worried about becoming attached to the DGC in case they are taken away from me. I just couldn't put myself through all that again.

So I was wondering if anyone could give me advice if you have been in a similar situation. How easy was it to reconcile? Did the whole family reconcile or was it a piecemeal process? Did you involve any professional help, such as a counsellor or family mediator? Has it worked out? Are things the same and can the relationship ever really recover or is it just different? I really don't want to mess this up, as I have realised how fragile relationships can be, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Albinoni just catching up on the thread . I hope you are having a restful weekend .
My DDs BF is so much like LB ( although he is not nearly so highly qualified)
He has completely changed my DD , it’s almost like he is inhabiting her. She too has changed from having a very tolerant , inclusive , left leaning view of life ( as we do ) to being the polar opposite ( like he is ) . She too “parrots “ his views and even her ‘turn of phrase’ is the same as his . In fact not long into their relationship they decided to merge all their social media /e mail accounts so I could never be sure who was actually sending/reading the messages. She handed total control to him. She previously had been very independent..

Like you we were not allowed to know any of their addresses ( they moved a lot due to chaotic lifestyle ) DH and I were on holiday and wanted to send her a postcard ( family tradition -no ulterior motive ) so text to ask for address . Reply came - “ why ? Are you trying to stalk us now ?”Only with a few more expletives. Again, like you, we would never have dreamed of turning up to them unannounced and uninvited .

She also has told us that BF has taught her so much about love and life and she now realises just how awful all her family are,

I could go on and on with the similarities.

My DH , like yours , says it’s impossible to try and understand, reason with or rationalise the situation as it is not normal, reasonable or rational . Ordinary rules do not apply .

I found talking to my DD on her own had very little effect, in fact, it often seemed to make things worse .

After the initial love bombing their relationship became very volatile and he often broke
up with only agreeing to take her back when she’d shown suitable and ,usually very public , remorse, :-(
During these short break ups she would come home distraught and the extent of his financial and emotional abuse became increasingly apparent. We tried to be the voice of reason pointing out just how unacceptable his behaviour was and she would always agree that it was bad , she deserved better, she was sorry for the way she’d treated all her family etc etc ... then he would call and she’d rush back to him and we’d then receive abusive messages from them both telling us to mind our own business.
This happened over and over again and as the things he did escalated I almost felt relieved thinking that no one could put up with that level of abuse /control and that she would finally see the light . But she never did ( or hasn’t yet) .

I understand what you say about being frightened of LB , well not “of “ him exactly but of the power and control he has over the way your DD behaves and what decisions she makes . It must be awful , I expect you feel powerless , like you are on a knife edge waiting for him to deliver his “ judgement “ as to whether you can see your DD and DGD . I also wonder if this is how your DD feels most of the time too.

I bet your DD , on finding out she was expecting DC 2 , desperately wanted to reconnect with you and the only way LB would “allow” it was if she got more money from you. I think the reconciliation ( such that it is ) is driven by her , which is a positive and that he has used that to try to extort even more money from you . In a way maybe you and DD are in a similar position.

I don’t have the fantastic advice of others on this thread ( but I am taking it all on board in case our DD ever reconnects with us ) but I just want to keep reminding you that I completely empathise with your situation , understand why this isn’t as clear cut as some might think and that you, your DH and all three of your DDs are in my thoughts x

@fishonabicycle it’s got far beyond that.

I was also looking at similar to @gutterton’s response Re cults. Are there any of her old friends who would still get in contact, deep down she knows this doesn’t feel right she needs to start questioning herself and the only way I can see to do that is continuing doing what you’re doing, Greg rock and dropping in tidbits of life before.

These are some of the symptoms of people with paranoid personality disorder - anything sound familiar?

Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving them

Are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against them

Are unforgiving and hold grudges

Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly

Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others

Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate

Have recurrent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful

Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous

Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts and believe they are always right

Have difficulty relaxing

Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative

And this article gives a good insight into how to engage:

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-creativity-cure/201601/7-tips-coping-paranoid-partner%3Famp

I’ve followed all the original threads and this one too.

Where does dd intend to do her pgce? There are unis up north which would be fabulous. If her degree is good enough, she could go to Durham, for example. Why do they want to move south when LB hates southerners (is he Geordie, it’s something my dm would say, we’re all Geordies, I live down south)?

Please consider long and hard paying rent, which will be massive compared to up north. You owe them nothing and you’re being blackmailed with the possibility of having a relationship with your dgc. It will be very tricky to pay rent for them and ensure the deposit comes back to you if the tenancy is in their names. I see no reason why they need to be down south for this. They have 2 houses, so they could rent out both to fund a place down south, although I’m not sure even combined rents up north would fund rent down here. LB needs to get a job: is he coming with her, plus the babies? How will they fund food/transport etc? You?

Please, please consider not funding them. They own two properties. From my perspective, they should need no support, particularly with another bursary for your dd’s pgce.

Call me very suspicious, but I don’t see how they possibly got a mortgage for the 2nd buy to let property: we had to provide 6 months of salary slips, bank statements to do this. Even if they re-mortgaged the first property and used his bursary, how did they wangle it?

I just checked with DC, as well as the bursary they can take out a student loan for PGCE... remember it will no longer be in your income but hers and LB so she will be eligible!

It is ridiculous that you are going to handover yet more money!!!

If I remember on of your others DDs is getting funding for post graduate study, are you also handing out to her the same level of additional £?

Just a quickey, Im assuming that your DH knows about the money given etc, is it worth handing all the pursestrings to him alone? Is he stronger than you at holding it back?

You do sound a bit soft (meant in a nice way) but you cannot go on like this. You will have nothing left. Again where is your DH in all this?

really don't want to be a guarantor for the rent so we would probably need to pay up front.

I'd be reluctant to pay up front. WHo knows what LB will spend it on.

As you are semi retired, lower income, still with dependents in education, you probably don't earn enough to be a guarantor.
Likewise as you have a much lower income now, and you have limited savings, you can really only pay the rent monthly by installments as opposed to up front.

Wow, this thread is hard to read. Very triggering

doctor, you really have no idea what this is about.

I was the abused wife. It sounds like a horror screenplay but the way I finally got out was: I just got an overpowering feeling that something was wrong. something was really really not right. I remember walking down the high street where we lived in London and wanting to catch someone's sleeve and beg for help, saying "something is happening to me! But I don't know what it is!" It was an extremely frightening and painful time. My reality was dangerously tipping. Of course my abuser just pointed to me, to everyone we knew, and said I was losing it. I really was losing it.

So that's how I got out. It was as though my soul, or spirit, my freedom, rose up. I've since likened it to the survival impulse - I really did think I was going to die, but I didn't know what of! I now know about it, about what he did and how he did it. The details throughout your thread - from your story op to the people who have been in your daughter's shoes - are frighteningly familiar.

When she comes out she will be traumatised. Do read up on anything and everything about DA. Did you order the Joshua Coleman book I linked, above? You can also book consultations with Joshua Coleman, which I would advise. He may be american but he knows his stuff. Do get on his site.

Interestingly (or not!) my own daughter was in a situation not unlike mine or your daughter's - kind of - and she recently said to me, "Why didn't you come to get me? Why didn't you rescue me?" Along the lines that I have failed her. I'm in two minds about it: on the one hand, I respect her right to make her own decisions and it's very much against my nature, and beliefs, to force or push. OTOH I read a lot about cults, after my escape from my abusive husband, and longed for the american 'interventions' I read about. I wish someone had rescued me..

Sorry, I have to qualify (hard to write about it coherently) that the immense clash of survival v brainwashing was the beginning of me getting out. The rot was setting in. I don't think I did it with rationale, it was more a primal thing. I had to survive. I had small kids, too. Probably PND as well - but what was PND and what was being married to the devil my abuser? Hard to tell.

The details of my escape are hazy tbh, sorry. I don't remember what led to what. Except in the midst of the horror I was experiencing, the wanting to hang on to people in the street, I was asked to look after someone's house while they were away on holiday. It was a holiday for me and the kids (he certainly wouldn't pay for a real holiday! 'Frugal' as your daughter so quaintly puts it..) and, somehow or other, the kids and I got away for 2 weeks. The weather was beautifully summery and sunshiney. We had a blissful, calm time. I knew, not in my mind but in my soul, that I couldn't go back.

So there's something to be said for physically getting away for a period of time from your abuser. (Tis why they glue themselves to our side..) I make the above account sound fairly straightforward but it was anything but - I was like a madwoman, under immense psychological pressure.

I'm just giving my account of what it was like for me. When you're in the position of the estranged parent it is almost impossible, so blinded are we by the pain, to see it from our adult child's side - especially as they present a hard and airtight front. She will be experiencing tremendous turmoil, whether she is aware of it or not.

Well look what I've just read on the Joshua Coleman site..

A Cult of One: The Troubled Son-in-law or Daughter-in-law

My experience is that it's not uncommon for a daughter-in-law or son-in-law to act as a powerful cult leader, enforcing absolute obedience and enacting a subtle form of brainwashing.

One of the most potent methods of this brainwashing is persuading the adult child that his or her parents are bad, if not outright evil.

While it's easy to see how this kind of manipulation would be possible in those homes where the parent was truly abusive or highly dysfunctional, this method is remarkably successful even in homes, perhaps especially in those homes where there was a very close relationship between parent and child.

In many cases, an adult child may be negatively influenced against their parent by a spouse when the child had been close to the parents throughout childhood and up until their involvement with the DIL or SIL.

Doesn't that mean that there was a significant hidden problem in the relationship between the parent and adult child that the new spouse is simply shining a light on?

It's certainly possible, but I don't believe that it explains the majority of these kinds of estrangements. I would argue that almost anyone is vulnerable to this kind of manipulation when a) faced with an extremely troubled spouse and b) when the adult child lacks the strength to defy them.

If you think that this might describe your adult child, join us this Tuesday for

DEALING WITH YOUR DIFFICULT SON--IN-LAW
OR DAUGHTER IN LAW

TUESDAY Jan 28
430 PM PST, 530 Mountain, 630 Central, 730 EST

@springydaff what incredible posts. Amazing to read from your unusual (v painful!) perspective of having been both the daughter and the mother. So much of what you say feels like it's getting to the absolute heart of what I have rambled about.

I remember through reading your post that my escape happened immediately after my boyfriend had gone away on a prostitute holiday to Prague for a few days - you're totally right that time away is needed for clarity, and for oneself to rise up and bubble up out of your secret interior into the real world.

Amazing to see what Coleman has written too. Never occurred to me that this type of relationship was predictable enough to be written about! Crazy.

@Albinoni I hope you've found springydaffs posts helpful and are able to follow up the Coleman stuff to support you and your family in this. You are in my thoughts very much at the moment, sending strength x

Springydaff amazing contribution - I have followed you for years on here and always know that you have it spot on.

The Joshua Coleman website is brilliant (you seem to have to sign up to his newsletter to get access) - there are so many resources and a specific worried family forum section.

OP this webinar looks incredible - even if you can’t log in live to it you can, I believe, get a recorded down load and transcript.

peelingpaint having read this RS board for many years and followed up in all of the resources recommended it is always a v predictable trajectory with classic red flags early on. These men are v disordered often with an undiagnosed MH/PD. The worse part is that it gets worse and worse as they grow older and their untreated condition just spirals into more extreme behaviours and v often violence becomes part of it they continue to terrorise their partner.

SirVix - Thanks for your post on Saturday evening which cross-posted with mine. I honestly think that if I were to confront her and warned her off him it would have a totally negative effect. I tried to do that in the early days but, if anything, I fear it may have driven her further towards him. She would side with him and tell him and they would revel in their 'us against the world' togetherness. I don't suspect that LB is violent. I just think he controls her because, to a great extent, she chooses to let him. She has made a decision, which she believes to be the correct one for her, that LB is right about everything and anyone who disagrees is therefore wrong. She loves and idolises him to the extent that there is no room in her life for anyone else but their DDs, to which she is devoted. They are their own separate unit and they don't need anyone else.

Nettle - I do know which university she is going to and they do have a creche. I don't know what arrangements they are planning to make for the DC.

Sir Vix - It has crossed my mind to employ a private detective but I couldn't do it, as I would see it as a violation of her privacy. In any event, I know her movements, as she tells me. Her days revolve around looking after the house and children, cooking and shopping, and walks in the local park. LB sometimes goes on the walks or is working on his 'projects'

Random - I note what you say about childcare but I am reluctant to raise the spectre of paying for that, as the next thing they will be expecting us to pay that as well. Give an inch and they take a mile.

Fish - I think there is an element of truth in what you say, unfortunately.

Grohn - It seems as though LB has an identical twin brother who is with your DD. The similarities in our situations are extraordinary. I am so sorry, my dear, as I know just exactly how painful it is

billy - I thought of her old friends but she has dropped them. When I asked about them and whether there had been any contact, she said she was 'on a different path' to them.

Gutterton - Your description sounds exactly like LB, I'm afraid, and the article is spot on, as well. I could give him my last penny and he would still be suspicious, hostile and resentful.

Cherry - I am not sure DD intends to do anything with her PGCE, at least in the short term. She is speaking of doing an MA and PhD afterwards through the OU and obtaining more government loans. I am being a bit careful about place names as being too outing, but she did apply to the university you mention, which would have been ideal, but did not gain a place. Of the three choices on the application form, the university she proposes to attend was the only one to make her an offer. Her subject is only available at about 5 or 6 places across the country. I note what you say about the rent but DH and I feel committed to that now and we want to help her to do the course, but not to be taken advantage of. They don't have a mortgage on either of the properties.

Random - I am aware that she can get the bursary on top of the funding, which I think is the main attraction to them. We fully funded DD2 through her Masters and still give some financial support, so she is not missing out, the difference being that DD2 did her course for all of the right reasons.

call - yes, I am going to leave it to DH to deal with the financial aspects. DH thinks we should pay the rent but nothing more.

Ariela - I would prefer to pay monthly. I don't think LB would spend it. The master plan is to buy property to rent out so that they don't have to work.

springy - thank you for sharing your experience which must have been painful to remember and relate. I recall your kindness from my earlier threads and you recommended the Coleman book then, which I read at the time, and I have visited his site. Thank God you escaped and I am a great believer in instinct and gut feelings. I was always uneasy around LB even before the fall out and the estrangement. You say so many wise things and your last post is uncannily accurate. That's exactly how it seems - like a cult of one. DD has been negatively influenced against us by LB and I am certain that the DGDs will be too, in due course, so it sometimes seems hopeless to even try to have a relationship with them. I think we will have a managed visit when we go and will be sent regular photos etc and allowed to buy them specified presents, but not to have anything like a normal or spontaneous relationship. Sometimes, I think I would prefer not to have any relationship at all, the uncertainty and the half- relationship and the half - truths are just too painful.

peeling - thanks for your supportive post

The latest position is that DD sent a friendly text on Saturday and video of DGD1 yesterday, which I duly admired, and there was some friendly vanilla chit-chat. There then follows another message saying that they have decided which area to live in and that she has completed various forms and is going to make her financial application - so at least she is applying for the government loan for course fees etc. I just responded neutrally saying that I was pleased that she was sorting it out and DH managed to get a low down on the area from a friend who lives there and he forwarded it on to her. No response yet.

I'm sure DD2 didn't get a £27k bursary to do her Masters though!!!

I would limit your contribution to the level that you have supported the others. You are actually making it easier for LB to trap her further.

Honestly I would be pushing to pay for nursery costs to ensure that the DGD get formal childcare and so that LB is not primary carer... remember they don't actually NEED this money for DD to do the course it is just an excuse to extract more money from you that LB believes HE is entitled to.

It's a safe site, the JC site. Yes you have to log on but, frankly, it's worth it. I love the man. He has experienced estrangement BTW, his daughter.

Thanks so much for the positive feedback. I woke this morning look at the time! with the uneasiness of having 'over shared' so thank you for the positives ❤️.

I relate entirely to the agony of half-reconciliation. A big part of me wants to run away - literally run/running shoes/travel! - to get away from the awful pain of being held to ransom. But it's 'better' than full estrangement? Rock and hard place...

It sounds like JC doesn't quite do it for you, Albinoni ? There is other stuff out there, if you look. I'm a huge fan of JC but we're all different.

does it for me, the agony of a mother.

“Sometimes I would prefer not to have any relationship at all”
I can understand this. That is why I mentioned challenging her, and asked what you think would happen if you did. You seem stuck in a passive state of responding to their moves, rather than an active state of making your own choices, frankly telling the truth and putting your boundaries firmly in place. I completely understand why you have chosen the passive course at present, I can feel your deep fear of losing your dd, but if you feel that their interaction is only to manipulate you, then you do have the option of drawing a line in the sand.
No one is telling your dd the truth, LB is lying to manipulate her, his parents are supporting that, and you are forced to keep your mouth closed in order to glean small, unreal glimpses of your granddaughters, and to have this very conditional contact with your dd. Yet your dd is the child you made and brought up, she must feel that you are not saying things, just as you can still feel the unbreakable thread between you. I think at some point your only option will be to tell the truth and risk no contact for some time, as the alternative will be that you are kept in this horrible half life of being used, knowing that if/when you are not useful enough you will be dropped.
The “us against the world” thing is very teenage, she does need to hear different views in order to grow and mature. Have her sisters been frank with her ? Is your DH ?
I understand your concerns re violating her privacy, but personally I would structure my feelings on that around how much I felt my child was being coerced and bullied. For instance I would lose any qualms at all about privacy if I felt my dd was not safe/at risk of violence . That is of course based on my own experience of being trapped in a controlling relationship that became violent, so I view this through the anxiety of that lens, and at the moment , thankfully, you are not worried about that. The risk of violence is the thing we are all most concerned about on this thread I think, because men who control women can get very angry indeed if they feel their control slipping. So I would advise that if you get any sense of that you do whatever you need to do to help her, and don’t let concerns about violating privacy stop you, at that point.

I do wonder how your dd came so quickly to believe the things he says, was she a strong minded person, or someone who was easy for friends to take advantage of ? Was she at a very vulnerable point in her life ? You are clearly a very caring family and yet you say she really believes his poisonous opinions of you all. That is the thing I find hardest to grasp, I suppose I imagine that deep down she doesn’t believe him at all, which is why I mention challenging her, and why I worry about just what is happening at home to control her to this degree. It is baffling me that such an intelligent young woman would believe him. You know her, and I don’t, what about her has made this possible for him ? Perhaps thinking about that will help find solutions ? Is she a very tender hearted person, who thinks she is rescuing or nurturing a deeply sensitive and insightful man ? Does she see his actions as proof of his intense love for her (rather than creepy, disturbed and controlling which is what we see here) ? Because again, that is a very young person’s response. 

My controlling boyfriend managed to control me for a while because he was my first boyfriend, I knew nothing of controlling relationships, I had no idea what was happening until I was frightened of him and trapped. I didn’t believe the unpleasant things he said about my family though. I never agreed with him or felt on his side, because I knew my family and knew he was lying. I thought he was jealous, as he came from a very different home, and I think he was, but it was also an isolationist tactic, which took me longer to see. Initially I had felt sorry for him, and guilty about my comparatively lovely family .I was in my early twenties too, and It took time for me to stop feeling at all sorry for him, and to see him for what he was, which is why I am wondering if your dd feels that LB is some poor, sensitive and misunderstood deeply loving person, rather than a small, weak, inadequate little bully.

Oh that Pergolesi , I love that.

Also agree with RandomMess re the finances.

SirVix it is a ridiculously frustrating situation. WE all know that it is so toxic and wrong and that the DD1 and DGDs are being emotionally abused and emotionally injured. But DD1 isn’t ready to take action YET.

Albinoni has to have FAITH that DD1 knows in her heart that LB is bad, that her family love her unconditionally and have HOPE that one day she will leave. It’s like trying to coax a broken, terrified, confused little sparrow out of her nest towards you and safety without waking the nasty hyena who with one false move will pounce and destroy her.

This is v high risk as Albinoni cannot communicate directly with her DD. He is monitoring and controlling everything. He is goading her to mess up to prove himself right. Saying anything to DD will give him all the ammunition he needs to shut down the contact. Although he needs to play his hand carefully for a bit longer to extort cash.

It is the equivalent of v high risk hostage negotiations. Raising his paranoia and temperature any more that where it currently is - on the ceiling - could blow the roof off and leave an awful lot of irreparable collateral damage.

All of the experts say to work v carefully to keep communication going, not to inflame the situation (grey rock, vanilla) but when it is 100% safe to communicate directly to DD verbally to be open to asking questions (not judging), planting seeds of doubt, and making it clear that there is always an exit opportunity and a safe place waiting.

Albinoni can and should of course draw her boundaries v clearly around the money/loan and be v realistic by preparing for the worst - cash is likely to be for property no4, they won’t do the course and will shut down contact due to some perceived slight once they have the cash - but hope for the best - the opportunity out of her current isolation through childcare, new community and university for connections with other people and services who will nudge her to see it for what it is and act to get out.

But she needs to tread really carefully not to play right into his hands, put her DD at risk of his anger or him convincing DD that the family are evil. She also needs to maintain her MH to be able to sustain / manage this toxic dynamic in proportion to the rest of her life - so that her other relationships are not eroded and tainted by this.

I'm not sure dd does know in her heart lb is bad. I certainly didn't know my abuser was bad at the time.

Yes I agree Springy - should have said “...have faith that she will know in her heart he is bad.....”

She might feel it subconsciously now but not know it yet.

Unrelenting emotional manipulation by paranoid LB in isolation 24/7 will have suppressed her natural feelings so her perception of “normal” becomes skewed. But these feelings become internalised with no where to go and she is likely to be under a great deal of mental stress even if it is unconscious currently.

Wills were mentioned previously.

I would suggest that you leave a proportion to your DGD as well as DD but to have DD2 & DD3 as trustees for DGD. This means that DD1 will have to interact with her sisters to get the £.

If it is possible - leave money for the DGD at age 25 but subject to the trustees allowing access earlier if it is in the DGD's best interests.

You will have to set up equivalent trusts for any children that DD2 or DD3 have. In these cases DD1 will have to be a trustee so that there are no allegations of unfairness and, again, it promotes contact between the sisters.

As I asked before OP, where is your DH in all this? What are his thoughts? (Does he know about the loans/ money given etc?)

springydaff I wish someone had rescued me too. to you.
The terrible thing is that my parents would have , had they known. That has only hit me now, reading your post.