Reconciliation after estrangement?

[Albinoni]

I have NC'd for this but have posted in the past about my relationship with DD1 and was grateful for the advice and support which I received. The posts have since been deleted, at my request, but some of you may remember 'Lobster Boy', and my concerns that DD was in a controlling relationship and that I risked losing her.

Unfortunately, my fears were justified as DD seemed to become more and more withdrawn from the family, saying that her BF was her family now. She ghosted all of the family entirely for six months - apparently she just blocked us all - then there were occasional calls and she did send birthday cards etc. She moved house without providing an address and we didn't see her for two and a half years. I cannot begin to describe how painful that period was for me and DH and her sisters, but those of you who have been through this process of living bereavement will understand.

Anyway, the good news is that there has been a reconciliation following a lunch on neutral ground, in a restaurant, earlier this year (she lives hundreds of miles away from us). Prior to that, she had provided her address, so that we could send some books to her which are relevant to a course which she is intending to take next year. At the lunch, she said that they had married the previous year, and we said how pleased we were, and contact continued to improve.

The following month they asked if they could borrow some money to put towards buying a property and we agreed. Shortly after that, DD told me she was expecting a baby (due any day now), which I was overjoyed about. Then, a few weeks after that - and this is the part I am really struggling with - we received a letter from DD and SIL enclosing photos of the 14 month old which they already had. The accompanying letter was quite upsetting as it said they hadn't told us about DGC because they didn't want her to experience broken relationships and they hadn't been sure whether or not they wanted us involved at all, but they felt guilty at taking our money and not telling us about DGC.

DD and I subsequently had an emotional conversation and, since then, DD has been in contact with me virtually every day with messages and photos and is behaving almost as though nothing has happened. She says I can't think about the past or what I have missed and clearly wants to move forward. I know that she is right in that we cannot change the past and she assures me that she definitely does want us to be involved.

But I am in such turmoil over this. Obviously I am thrilled and excited about the reconciliation and the DGC, but I feel so desperately hurt and upset that she didn't tell any of us about all of these things, especially as I believed that we were close before. I am really struggling, to be honest, although it's early days and there is a lot to come to terms with.

We haven't met DGC1 yet as I think we both felt that it would be better to wait for the baby to be born and then meet them both together, when the emotions have died down a bit. The last thing I want to do is cause her any stress at this time and I sense that they are anxious at our meeting her PILs for the first time. I am also anxious about it, although they sound like lovely people and have been very supportive to DD. But goodness knows what they must think of us. I am also worried about becoming attached to the DGC in case they are taken away from me. I just couldn't put myself through all that again.

So I was wondering if anyone could give me advice if you have been in a similar situation. How easy was it to reconcile? Did the whole family reconcile or was it a piecemeal process? Did you involve any professional help, such as a counsellor or family mediator? Has it worked out? Are things the same and can the relationship ever really recover or is it just different? I really don't want to mess this up, as I have realised how fragile relationships can be, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Peeling - I think you are right about the self medication - she practically said as much to me once .

itswonkylampshade - so sorry about the loss of your Mum. She sounds as though she was a very wise woman . I expect she was incredibly proud of you for escaping that controlling relationship and delighted that you, your DD and she had such a loving relationship.

Your DD not having “him” in her life can only be a positive . I admire you for having the strength to get out . Such a great example to your DD too Xx

Random - I had thought of suggesting that she defer but I think that anything I suggest will be rejected, just because the suggestion comes from me. LB makes a point of doing exactly the opposite to anything I suggest, even to taking DD home a few hours after the traumatic birth of DGD1, after DD1 and I had a conversation in which we agreed that it would be better to follow medical advice and stay in hospital for 3-4 days. Or perhaps he was showing the hospital staff that he was in charge - he was really put out when they made him leave after the birth as he thought he should be allowed to stay at the hospital all night.

I actually think it would make a lot of sense for her to defer anyway, whilst the youngest is still a baby, but the idea has to come from them. I don't think LB will want to wait for the money as he might have to get a job.....!

Grohn - DD's BF sounds just as bad as LB. That's exactly the sort of thing he would do, have us running around after them, and treat us without common courtesy and with utter contempt. When DD1 needed her exam certificates for her PGCE application, we had to post them to a different address (ie his parents' address), as apparently we could not be trusted to have their address. It was utterly bizarre apart from anything else. It's not as though we would have travelled 100s of miles and turned up without an invitation. We didn't turn up at the previous house after DD cut us off, even though she later suggested that we should have done. It just doesn't make any sense. DH says it's pointless to look for reasons because the whole course of conduct is irrational.

I am so pleased that you are finding the thread helpful and I am grateful for your contributions and support - although I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

lampshade - thank you for your support and for sharing your own experience. Your ex also sounds very like LB - it seems that there are a lot of these types around, unfortunately. What motivates them? Is it their own inadequacies? Does it make them feel more powerful and important to toy with other people's emotions and make them unhappy and in fear? I know that LB has done exactly the same in terms of constantly criticising DD's family to the extent where she said 'LB talks a lot of sense. I see you all differently now'. And I could tell from the look in her eyes that she did see us differently. She went from being proud of her family to being in some way ashamed of us. I said don't you love us anymore and she hugged me and said 'You must never think that' - this was a few years ago - but her actions are not loving or caring at present.

I am so pleased that you were reunited with your parents and it sounds as though they handled the situation much better than I have. How wonderful that your lovely mum formed such a bond with her DGD. Your story gives me hope, and I am full of admiration for your courage and resilience. I am so grateful to you for posting, as it gives me a whole new perspective - sometimes I feel I am just stuck in a groove and it all seems a bit hopeless, but this thread is really helping me to open my eyes.

Ledkr - thank you for your lovely comments!

peeling - you make an excellent point about the 'rescue' having to come from elsewhere. We are stuck in polarised positions to an extent and anything we do or say is treated with suspicion.

SirVix - I am grateful for your comments about what someone does to survive. I don't think DD is at the stage that you were at, but maybe in time she will be. Again, it gives me hope to know that others have been there and come out the other side, as well as giving a powerful insight into the thought processes of the one who is 'trapped'. DD is totally isolated at present, so completely under LB's influence. It would be hard for the strongest person to develop independent thoughts in that situation.

I think just stick with the line that all you can afford is £x this year because of the land sale.

He is so greedy he may suddenly think deferring is wonderful, or he may cut Dd of to you for not dancing to his tune - personally I'd rather find that out sooner rather than later...

Always remember that she is in deep emotional trauma even if she can’t say it or isn’t yet conscious of it. That will give you the compassion to lower your hurt and anger when triggered. It is not her it is him is is v disordered.

Don’t suggest anything - it just gives him purchase and something to obsess over.

When you see her - use actions - look deeply in her eyes, squeeze her hand when he isn’t looking, hug her hard.

She needs to to know that you know.

She needs to know that you will always love her deeply and as PP said you will be there to catch her.

I agree it will be someone else who triggers her out of it - it can’t be you.

Get your DH to be the front man to discuss anything.

He is treating her badly - isolation, frugal living, mental gaslighting turning her against you and the world, putting her life at risk getting her out of hospital.

These types continue to escalate. This is early days.

My feeling is that her children will be the thing that is his undoing. He will control them, be a terrible, punishing parent, and at some point she will see him for who he really is, because her love for her daughters will override everything. Then she will leave.
I suppose as she no longer has friends, she has no examples around her of other young couples and how they operate. She has probably convinced herself that his behaviour is because he loves her, rather than that he wants to own her, like a toy.
My situation was different because the man I was involved with became increasingly violent in his attempts to control and own me. However a relationship does not have to be violent for a man to completely control his partner. Your dd sounds sensitive, and he has used manipulative behaviour all along, to control her. She was too young to see it clearly, and is now too enmeshed.

I don’t know what I would do, in your place. You need to be with dd alone, and to tell her that his behaviour is not normal, that loving partnerships don’t involve control like this. She would defend him I imagine, but underneath she will know that you are right.
However you never get to talk to her alone do you ?

Random - good point, but I think I do know where LB is concerned. I don't have any illusions and, in a way, it is prolonging the agony.

Gutterton - perceptive and fantastic advice. I will hold on to this when I am feeling hurt and angry. I was tidying up today when I found the photos which DD sent with the letter they sent advising of the existence of DGD1. The baby is adorable and DD looks so happy with baby but also so vulnerable at the same time. It hurt me a lot to see those photos again.

I love her and will always be there for her, whatever. When we met last summer for that lunch, we clung to each other, and I know and felt that she loved me, but she seemed anxious, subdued really, unsure of herself. We were cheerful and positive, the meal went fine, then he shepherded her away. I gave her one of my rings, which she seemed pleased with. I looked at her and said that I wanted her to have it.That is why I want to see her, to show her how much I love her, through looks and gestures.

SirVix - I think LB is the type to use manipulative behaviour, as you suggest, rather than violence. He sees himself as very clever and intellectually superior to anyone else, so DD accepts what he says, whether it be in relation to her family or which political party to support. She has become quite passive, I would say, and just repeats things which I know must have come from him.

I last saw DD alone in June 2016, when she invited me to go to a European capital with her for a few days as a belated Mother's Day gift. We had a wonderful time and I felt that we were very close. Then, a month later, was DD2's graduation, at which it all fell apart and was the beginning of the estrangement. I know it's silly, but there were a few minutes when I was left with LB, as DD had gone to the ladies, and I wished afterwards that I had gone too, just to have a few minutes alone with her, as he could not have followed her there. Even when we went away together, she wouldn't come and stay for a day or two at the family home afterwards, although it was quite near to the airport, to catch up with DH and her sisters, whom she hadn't seen for a while. She said she missed LB too much. But I sensed that he was not happy at the trip and that she was anxious to get back, so as not to displease him further.

It is so upsetting to read the details, I would not rule out violence, either now or in the future, she sounds afraid of him. The fact she has to parrot him, and is so passive, suggests that there are consequences for not being passive, for disagreeing. At the moment the consequences seem likely to be a withdrawal of affection, and possibly temper tantrums, but there is always the possibility for controlling men to become violent when their control starts to fail. That is the biggest danger in a relationship like this, and why we are all so worried for you and your dd.
I can’t stop thinking about how she has grown up, versus her life now. Her normal life pre LB , and this life where she can’t even give her own parents her address. It is so extreme and so insane. She must realise this, but be too ground down to challenge it.
Something has to change to force her into breaking away, I do very much wonder whether withdrawing any support at all might be better, as pps have said ? But then there is the dilemma of your hope that the course might bring her in contact with other people who might also influence her to leave. My feeling is he won’t be able to loosen his grip enough for her to properly enjoy the course, even if she gets to do it. I think her completing the course extremely unlikely.

Would be brutally frank with her OP ? “He is controlling your every move, has alienated you from your loving family and friends, and is pressuring everyone for money while not working, none of this is normal behaviour” that sort of thing ? I almost feel that you have nothing at all to lose in doing this.
What does everyone else think ?

Have lurked and read all your threads, i can't understand where your DH has been in all this? Is he happy giving them money, does he know? I am trying to say this nicely (truly I am), but you know that you are being very stupid don't you? In some ways, it could be deemed that you see money as the only way to sort life out? Of course you love her and don't want to lose contact, but all you have now is almost worse! Keep in touch, but all your money is now tied up in investments that cannot be accessed. leave it at that. PLEASE do not give them money.

Yes it absolutely is about their inadequacy and self loathing. Generally we all behave towards others as we feel we deserve to be treated. When you feel powerless, and pathetic and worthless, an easy way to feel more power, worth, strength is to find someone who has less of those things and stand alongside them.

My boyfriend had raped a woman, and been involved in a murder, and he told me that after I'd had his baby he wanted to kill me. I was so worn down so quickly that I kind of accepted it. He despised himself, I always knew that whatever he was saying to me he was probably saying worse to himself. But alongside all that, when the moment came I was totally ready to strengthen and leave. It was empowering and exhilarating telling him it was over and I was really proud that I still had a kernel of myself safe inside. I'm sure your daughter still has a muscle memory of herself, and you'll see her again x

Hi Albinoni, hoping you're having a peaceful weekend.

I do wonder if she would be able to blank you again, from your posts it does sound like she is genuinely enjoying being back in touch again and having had a taste of that connection again would she give it back up?

She needs to come to the realisation herself and if you are not forthcoming with as much money as LB is hoping for, him asking her to blank you again maybe the thing that breaks her.

I chatted with DH about this, asking him what he would want to do, if this was one of our dds. He agrees it is a nightmare situation. He had a friend whose sister was in a horrible, controlling relationship, in their case the family turned up en masse to rescue the young woman, and took her and her children away - she wanted to leave with them, so a slightly different situation, but she could not have left without them going to get her.

Really what would happen if you turned up to see her and your DH took LB to one side and insisted on having some time alone with your dd ? What would happen if his parents were also there ?
What would happen if one of you was ill, hospitalised, would he not let her come and see you ?
What would happen if you said “enough”. “We love you and are always here for you but we can’t be treated like this any more” ? “We will come and get you and the girls any time of the day or night, we will find you somewhere to live, but we can’t live like this.” ?

I have this little niggle that you Op, and your DH, seem as scared of LB as your dd is. He has much too much power over all of you. The fact that you were too worried to inform the midwife team about the situation was very telling. This man is terrorising you, and it really needs to stop.
Please try and get some real life support from a psychologist who has experience of coercive control and violence against women, or cults. You sound defeated and this is too much to bear without help. I think you are shocked and traumatised by the virtual loss of your daughter. Every post of yours is full of grief. I lie awake at night thinking of you all and hoping for a change. I am sending a very unmumsnetty virtual bear hug, and I am wishing you peace and fortitude.

Also , a small thing, but just to add - I had a time of estrangement from my Mum as I mentioned, and a time when I was had very minimal contact with my family, when I was having a horrendous time in my relationship.
My Mother died three years ago, and although at times our relationship had been tricky, in the end, it was love that won. I was leaving the room a few days before she died, just before she became unable to talk well, and she was saying “I love you, I love you, I love you “. That bond between a mother and child is very elastic, and it can recover from all manner of stretching. Love will win out for you too Op.

called - thank you for your post. The intention is not to give them money but to pay the rent for DD's PGCE year in order to encourage and facilitate her in doing the course, which we feel would be beneficial for her. It would not only be a useful qualification, but would hopefully help her to become more independent again and to socialise with people other than LB and his parents. DH and I are in agreement on that.

However, we are equally decided that the rent will be the limit of our assistance. If she really wants to do the course, it should be enough of an inducement for her and, I think, is a good offer in the circumstances. Actually, as others have pointed out, it should be quite possible for her to do the course without our help, but we said that we would help - admittedly when we did not know the full facts ie the existence of DGD1 - but we don't want to go back on what we said and we genuinely want to help. DH thinks that DD and LB will be happy with this but I have my doubts.

Anyway, I have no doubt the crunch moment will come shortly, possibly meaning that the trip will be aborted and we will not get to meet the DGDs. If they do ask for more, we will query why this is necessary (or rather I am going to leave this to DH). We can say, quite truthfully, that our money is tied up and that we are on a much reduced income since our retirement. In the event that they do 'cut up rough' or accuse us of letting them down or breaking our promises, then I can see that there may be some harsh words. Again, I will leave it to DH to have a rational conversation, as I am liable to become upset, so will not handle things as well as he will. Ultimately, I am prepared to walk away for a while because, as you point out, the situation now is almost worse than it was. The uncertainty is killing.

peeling - your ex BF sounds terrifying. Well done for getting away. That must have taken a great deal of strength and courage.

billy - thank you for your post. I do believe that DD enjoys the contact and I know that she finds the separation painful. However, she hasn't yet grasped that LB is the cause of the separation, although I don't think she sees it as so black and white as she used to - rather, she tries to negotiate a middle way. So, we had to postpone our visit because LB said so, but we will be permitted a visit if it is time limited and strictly controlled (unless it is cancelled because we don't agree to their financial demands). As you say, she has to come to the realisation herself. Surely, at some stage, she will want something better for her DC and will wake up to the fact that they have to take financial responsibility for themselves and, if she is the primary carer and SAHM, LB needs to wake up and get a job. However, at present she still loves and reveres him.

Sir Vix - your posts are inspirational, thank you. We are not at a stage of being called upon to rescue DD and, if we turned up unannounced and tried to insist upon speaking to DD alone, I think it would all backfire. DD would become anxious and would back up LB, who would be able to portray her as having a family who are bonkers and use it against us. One glimmer of hope is that DD spoke of going out somewhere on the second day of our proposed visit, so I'm hoping that as her car presumably only fits five people, LB won't be coming.

You are right that I am frightened of LB to the extent that he has such power over her and her relationship with her family. He therefore wields power over me and, to an extent, DH, although he compartmentalises things much better. DD2 and DD3 have also detached although the subject is a painful one and the hurt runs deep. They have done that to protect themselves. Ultimately, the only way to destroy the power is to walk away and face the consequences, which I am ready to do, in the hope that DD will be back in our lives in the future along with her DC. I would also be intending to send a message along the lines you suggest, ie that we have an abundance of love, but you are adults with responsibilities and you cannot and should not rely on us to support you financially. If the relationship is based upon any financial considerations, then it is not a relationship worth having, however painful that may be.

Your reference to love being elastic and your belief that love will win in the end is just wonderful, and I will hang on to that thought. Funnily enough, at times I have felt a sort of telepathy and a couple of times, after a period of silence, we have both sent messages at exactly the same time.

@Albinoni just to say re she hasn't grasped that lb is the reason for the estrangement - I think she probably has but the situation is too precarious for her to engage with that. It likely is as clear to her as it is to you, but she will have a very loud voice in her head saying that she has made this bed and she must lie in it. Of course she will hear some truth in the stuff he says about you all - we all hold anger towards our families for one reason or another, but generally there is able to be an avenue of communication to work through it all. They fuck you up, they don't mean to, but they do

I think that you have got a real handle on the best approach here and have decided where your boundaries are. You are 100% correct that an all guns blazing, rescue intervention would totalling back fire right now.

If you feel that you had already agreed to support the rent and believe that this maybe the only opportunity for DD and DGDs to have access outside his toxic world and that if you withdraw it he will slam down the shutters not just on you but on DD getting a chink of light then I can totally see why you want to carry on with your offer as you have been painted into a corner.

I would though be v prepared for there being some twist where he takes your money and she doesn’t do the course.

I would also think v clearly about the conditions and consequences of this support. Maybe that you require to spend a day with her once a month for example. If he said no to this - surely she would see that was ridiculous. And if he tried to evade it month on month you would have some consequences to put in place.

I do believe that love will win through. The love you gave her all of her life is within her, it is her blue print for a calm loving family life and she will see a contrast as to how he runs his family in time and know it is wrong.

I would run an implicit love communications campaign - so that she is reminded of what a proper free, loving, social, gentle, joyful life looks like. Keep responses to them vanilla - but send photos or even just memories (make them up if you want to) of her as a baby and young toddler which shows her as part of large social loving family. So for instance “this is you at 18 months with granny when went to x - we used to go every Sunday” “What classes does Y go to ? We always took you to toddler music/play group on Wed at the church hall - you loved it and had a best little friend there called Z ..... this was you first trip to to sea .... we went with auntie A .... just remembered that you loved B that Mrs C next door used to make especially for you ..... You all loved learning to swim at mother and toddler class - do you take DGD1 to one?

do it v subtly.....recalling funny joyful social stories.

Also add in some normal assumptions - showed granny photo of x and she can’t wait to meet the girls .....

We are off to (wherever you had lovely family holidays) with DD2 / DD3 .... remembering when x happened and when we went to y..... would love for you all to join us ... you need to get him say No to normal wonderful opportunities for the DGDs for her to realise that he is mad.

You talk about her loving him. It will be a “trauma bond” (look that up and “intermittent abuse”) - he may not be physically violent yet - but he is emotionally violent and will have deeply injured your DD1.

Be careful with the money that you have enough to rescue her and to house and feed them and pay for a top lawyer and psychotherapist when the day comes.

Every penny you give now he will somehow take.

I think you are doing great - you are alert now to their triggers and you did brilliantly to resist the urge to react emotionally - even though that is the correct response - but you are not dealing with normal here. Your DD is in a living hell even if she smiles and pretends with a rictus grin.....he is a v dangerous and abusive man. He will escalate if poked and she will be punished - even if that is just cutting you off - but she will be subjected to his mad, ranting, random hatred day in day out.

It’s an emotional tightrope for you to walk - but if you get the strategy right she will come back to you. I would try to find an expert on cults/PD/DA to get this managed in the best possible way. It is no surprise to many of us that his behaviours are EXACTLY as other women have experienced. No need to reinvent the wheel here - or risk driving her closer to him, antagonising him and inadvertently facilitating more abuse.

I have also had a thought that she may be vulnerable to PND and he might prevent her seeking help. Did she ever mention that with first baby?

Also you mentioned she had OCD. This can be the result of a childhood trauma. Did she have treatment, do you know what caused it and do you know if it was resolved or if she is still struggling?

Well certainly no giving a lump sum up front as "we don't have that after "loaning" you x".

Will they be living nearer to you in Brighton? If so the absolute perfect reason to see you monthly to "build a relationship with DGDs.

I'm not sure her doing the course will really make any difference, she will be set up to work full time, do all the domestic chores and LB will play at being SAHP and DD will be trapped as she won't be primary parent.

Sorry to be so bleak

www.cultwatch.com/how-to-help-friends-family.html

The above might be helpful to develop an approach - just swap the word cult for abusive man.

The extra bits are to get all of the rest of your family up to speed on the dynamics - so that they really understand how abusive men and coercive control work, to get yourself expertly informed, and to get support for yourself with other families who are going through this. It’s so much like the Al anon strategy.

I would get the DDs to open up communication again - subtly - with the same strategy - gentle vanilla / but planting seeds of doubt and reminding her of wide loving family. Even if your DDs just opened up her IG and over time posted subtle stuff about fun things they are doing now / memories etc.....

peeling - thank you for your comments and for your understanding and perception. Of course there will be things he can criticise us for and I think he is probably quite clever at portraying us all in a bad light. We are not there to defend ourselves and she is no longer defending us but, at some level, has accepted the truth of what he says. That is what is so heartbreaking, that one you gave birth to, loved with every fibre of your being, would give your life for, did your best for - albeit undoubtedly flawed in many respects - could turn against you and hurt you so badly. It' as though a little piece of me has, if not died, then frozen - at least for now - mainly by way of self -preservation I think.

Gutterton - it will theoretically be much easier to see DD when she moves, not least because we will be able to meet in London easily or I can visit her. At least it will be neutral territory, not his. But the reality is that she will be incredibly busy with the course and the DDs and it will be very easy to find reasons not to see us. I don't think I could make it a condition - it would look as though we were buying a relationship, and LB would say we were being controlling.

I already make a point of referring to things in the past. I have sent her a box of photos from when she was a baby and growing up, when she was born, with her sisters, grandparents, holidays, parties, riding, ballet etc. I know from a conversation with her that she was affected by this. I do exactly as you say and mention things about when she was a baby compared with the DGDs etc.

You are right about him taking any money if he can and he is quite devious. DD says he is an excellent chess player (funnily enough I used to be but am out of practice now ). I have no doubt that he devotes a lot of time to his next move. It wouldn't surprise me if he tried to take the money and she didn't do the course, but then she wouldn't get the bursary.

Of course I will be there to help her if she needs me and will support her as much as I possibly can.

Random - you articulate my worst fears. You have previously suggested lending them money instead, which is sensible on one level, but I fear that it just makes it easier for him to stay at home 24/7 if he doesn't need to get a job. I would almost rather just lose the money. I really don't want to be a guarantor for the rent so we would probably need to pay up front. Oh dear, as I type this, it all seems rather problematical.

Guttertin, I will PM you regarding your most recent post.

I agree that the course is somewhat of a red herring if it’s to get her working etc - she is under too much stress - I would see it as an opportunity to break the cycle at best - let in some light. Even if she gives up during it she might be able to defer or save credits etc and pick up later.

The single focus is for the scales to fall from her eyes and to know that she will be supported.

It would be better if the DC DO go to a childminder, rather than stay with LB, for exactly the reasons that Random has shown. In fact many universities have on site childcare, and there is help with childcare costs they could apply for as a student parent.
The best would be for her to bring them to her uni creche because, if later, it turns out that she tries to leave, it has shown that she is still the primary carer and he is a feckless stay at home do nothing.

Do you know what uni she is going to? Can you do a search online and see if they have such facilities? You could certainly try to sell it to her as in it being hard to leave a little one so young, and would be good for her to be able to pop in and see them.

Im not sure that you can prevent LB meeting her at lunfchtime / after school - but it certainly wont go unnoticed by the course staff and other students. Especially as it is really beneficial for the students to get time together to discuss the course outside of lessons. I imagine that even if he were looking after the kids he would drag them over if he wanted to. It will be much easier for her, if she is able, to turn him away if she needs study time, etc, than if she has the full guilt of the whole family there - it would be turned around as rejecting her children and how upset the children were.

NettleTea makes a good point there, if the babies are in the creche, then that will work out better for her when she leaves him.
He will try and use the dgds in any way he can, to control her. Men like this often try to get the woman pregnant quickly, it is a well recognised pattern, women with babies and young children are easier to rule and control.
I think if you can get to meet his parents, when you do go and visit, then that might be informative.
In your place I seriously would think of hiring a detective to watch them for a week, just to know what their normal movements look like, whether she leaves the house much etc.
Information gives you more power.

Perhaps you need to propose instead of paying for rent, you will be for nursery for the DGDs meaning that DD can pay the rent and life costs from the bursary and LB can work...

With completing her PGCE and then a year NQT that means he would be firmly primary parent...

Stop supporting your lazy entitled daughter! She and her husband see you as a bloody money tree! Smile at it, make some promises/threats and it rains money on them. They don't work, haven't even bothered to finish studying and have two properties financed by you - sorry - I'm sure you are lovely, but you are a gullible mug as far as your daughter is concerned.