Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

How are you doing helloblodyn?

Hi, thanks for asking we are doing ok. Just me and baby in the house now. Will need to cover all bills as he said he wont contribute anything but to be honest i will just scrape by as its so much better having a peaceful environment and will be cheaper than trying to rent something anyway, which is what he's demanding i do. I can't see how he can kick us out if im joint on the mortgage and im paying all the mortgage myself now. I just want to wait for financial order to be done so i can move on.

I am delighted to hear that he has moved out so that you and your baby can have a peaceful home. It’s been a tough journey for you to get this far. I hope he plays nice for the legals - are you planning to buy him out? Will he have any unsupervised access to your baby?

I have read your thread top to bottom today. You are amazing and well done for being so strong. My partner left yesterday and has agreed to pay his share of mortgage and CM but given his lying around alcohol his word means nothing. I am also keen to take the mortgage over and hoping to return to my job FT now our youngest is older so I can meet the affordability criteria. I have read though that if they stop paying to let the mortgage company know because they may be able to remove from deeds and their equity frozen at a certain point. He cannot force sale as your child lives with you there (not until they are 18). I am slightly obsessing over this stuff at the moment.

Alcoholics are incredibly selfish and often narcissists. Time to think about what you need, what your dc needs and your own health.

If that means leaving, then so be it.

@Seriouslynotagain

I have read your thread top to bottom today. You are amazing and well done for being so strong. My partner left yesterday and has agreed to pay his share of mortgage and CM but given his lying around alcohol his word means nothing. I am also keen to take the mortgage over and hoping to return to my job FT now our youngest is older so I can meet the affordability criteria. I have read though that if they stop paying to let the mortgage company know because they may be able to remove from deeds and their equity frozen at a certain point. He cannot force sale as your child lives with you there (not until they are 18). I am slightly obsessing over this stuff at the moment.

Hi, hope you are ok and sorry you are going through similar. That is really interesting about the mortgage-I will look into that this weekend. I thought I would have to arrange some sort of backpay through my financial agreement. It will be interesting to see if he is true to his word and doesn't pay.

Thank you to everyone on this thread for keeping me going. Im amazed that people are still following and commenting. It feels like a lifetime ago I posted my first message on the bathroom floor with my world crumbling. I hope this thread helps others, even if just to see you can make it out the other side. I am far from free but I am on the right path. I won't be able to afford to buy out especially now my wage has been slashed since the lockdown. I have mixed feelings about this- ties to the house, regret if i let it go, logistics of moving, but also feel a new chapter would be a fresh start and i'd get somewhere more manageable and not have to worry about money.

Hope everyone is keeping safe x

I'm glad he's gone at least and it's just you and the baby living peacefully together. It's the thing that matters most and you sound so much calmer.

The house may well have to be sold, and the silver lining you have correctly identified is that moving will be a fresh start for you and your little one. I hope you get the finances sorted so you can have a clean break and move on.

Hi everyone- just felt like saying hello to all my little anonymous support group on here! Hope you are all ok xx

Spooky I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were getting on - just noticed that it’s 10 months since you started the thread......how are you doing?

Just coming on here to say how well you’ve done, OP. I was in a similar situation once. Leaving was very hard but absolutely necessary for my children and for all our sanity. You’re doing brilliantly. Keep on keeping on x

Thank you both- I'm ok. Decree nisi granted. Mortgage offers very poor due to covid affecting my job so keeping the house is out of the question. Have felt extremely panicky in waves but trying to keep sight of the future goal. Would love to be sorted for christmas, the 13 month mark is getting to me a bit. It's been very draining. Hope everyone else is ok x

I'm sorry to hear about the house situation. You're entitled to feel fear - you've been through some seismic change! But at least you're well on your way out of the marriage so congratulations on getting the nisi.

You really have done the v hardest bit - the emotional detachment required a huge sustained effort against your own FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and against his manipulation and resistance.

All of that is mentally and physically exhausting and draining - so rest up and be gentle to balance and restore yourself.

Keep reaching out to radiant friends and family you and your baby need them.

The financial / house situation you have no control over so it’s totally OK to be disappointed and to give yourself the time to feel the grief around that before accepting that and being open to options that this new chapter brings.

What options do you have - after the house is sold would considering renting for 6-12 month give you some transition time / flexibility? Could you move closer to family and friends?

I have seriously considered moving closer to family but would mean further disruption to my job and at the moment thats the only stability I have. A few friends have moved from the area following lockdown and thats hit me badly as well and feel like its just me and baby wondering round. Moving towards family would mean a 3 hour round trip for baby at weekends which i feel is unfair on her too.
Im considering renting but dont want to miss out on the stamp duty break. I may just move into something for the next couple years as a 'bridgeing' house.

There are many layers of uncertainty and disruption going on for you right now. All you can do is keep balanced and focused for you and your baby and keep your options open and flexible. Do you know what he is likely to do when the house is sold - is he tied to the area for work / family. Maybe he will take off somewhere which might open more options for you?

Have you worked out who has paid more into the mortgage?
You may be entitled to more than 50/50, particularly particularly as you have the financial load of the child

Mortgage has been paid equally but i have paid additional into renovation of the house about 15-20k. I am told i can ask for more from the house due to having the child but he has warned if i do this he will take it to court, drop work hours and claim more custody/residency. I feel so exhausted and blackmailed that i feel i will give in to his requests. I feel like i am winning if i am in any place where i have her and freedom. We can make a nice home somewhere x

I think he will stay where he is due to work, i'm torn where to base myself to be honest.

but he has warned if i do this he will take it to court, drop work hours and claim more custody/residency.*

You do realise that he will do this as well anyway. Don’t fall for that old chestnut.

Also if he is drinking to such a degree he will soon be too unwell mentally and physically to work - or will fuck and be asked to leave - or will be made redundant.

Do not assume that he that he will be able to provide financially for your DD.

Get the very most of the assets right now.

You might want to be gathering as much evidence as you can that he is an unfit addict who is not capable of keeping a baby safe. You can counter any further bullying with that evidence. Have your lawyers suggest you roll over?

Men like him always threaten going for full custody or 50/50 to scare their ex. They never actually want to do it or go through with it because that would involve stepping up and having some responsiblity.

Wow OP, I think I'm currently divorcing your H's long lost brother, our stories are so so similar. (I have my own very similar thread on the Divorce board!)
I've just read from the top, your story and re-engaged with the excellent advice here.

Gosh, everything resonates.
The phase of denial, the love bombing/creepiness, talking about how 'we're going to work things out' when I'd explicitly explained it was over several times.
The refusal to leave the house, claiming he's going to get 50/50 custody, the quitting drinking just as I was sure of myself, the FOG and everything else in this thread, it's all the same.

We are very nearly divorced now but it's been going on since 2018. He caused problems and delays every single step of the way, always with that wide eyed shocked fake innocent look "I'm only doing this because of what you are putting us through". Always complying just at the point I would have been ready to drag him to court.

We went through lockdown in the same house (he was unemployed by that point). We have a financial settlement (clean break) and he managed to still drag out signing by another 6 months!
The order, which he has finally signed, says he will move out in 2 weeks... Already I've been asked if I'd be willing to extend it because he hasn't got anywhere sorted out.
And that is when I stumbled on your thread. I needed it, I needed reminding that his current fake, feeble, wounded child act is just that, an act. He's an addict and so expert at denial, that I think he genuinely believes it himself. Hard not to get drawn in.

OP you rock. I'm cheering you from the sidelines. You will have your peaceful home soon

Hi! Sorry I can't get the hang of quoting and replying directly on the mobile app-Gosh tiddleypops thats awful it's being going on so long for you and you had to do the whole of lockdown together. I barely managed a few weeks when i got back and had some rentals lined up just to get out i felt completely suffocated. It does sound very similar. I think there is a risk of this dragging out in the same way as im still getting the type of messages where i'm guilt tripped 'im sad this is happening and what could have been but if your mind is made up' and also the in laws now suggesting he is doing so badly because he is missing his baby so much. Im finding it very annoying as it sounds as if ive woken up one day out of nowhere and ended it without any forewarning or reason.

I know i am rolling over and no my solicitor has said i can likely get more but at the same time im aware that it will be in return for a lifetime of hostility. They said i am a professional person and can stand on my own two feet and make the decision. Right now i feel my babys early years are consumed by this and i want it over with and start fresh. I feel i havent slept and have bags under my eyes when shes an absolute star and gives me 11 hours a night. I should feel better but this is really weighing me down.

I have gained a lot of strength from this group thank you all so much

@newnameforthis123

Men like him always threaten going for full custody or 50/50 to scare their ex. They never actually want to do it or go through with it because that would involve stepping up and having some responsiblity.

I agree a few weeks ago i had to listen to how much he was missing baby then when i offered to drive her there and back he 'checked his diary' and was busy

@Sssloou

You might want to be gathering as much evidence as you can that he is an unfit addict who is not capable of keeping a baby safe. You can counter any further bullying with that evidence. Have your lawyers suggest you roll over?

I am looking into making an agreement and getting it converted into an order for child arrangements. His only interest is financial and mine is baby so in return for what he wants i want the say over baby