Dating a muslim man

[Lozalot]

My partner is muslim. We have a wonderful relationship and I have never been happier with someone. By muslim that I mean he was raised by a muslim family, however he is not a practising muslim (out of his own choice he does not pray or even fast at ramadan). However he still believes. He has essentially told me that if we are to stay together and get married that I must covert. For me I feel this is very unfair as he does not even practise the religion. I am a strict athiest and to say I believe in any form of religion goes against my nature and principles. However we have a very happy and loving relationship so now I find myself in an awful position. Should I give him an ultimatum or is there a way we can make it work?

It’s likely he wants you to convert to appease his family and makes you acceptable to them.

I still wouldn’t do it.

At the moment he is just asking you to convert possibly only on paper. But what is next. Are you willing to have male children circumcised to appease his family? There are lots of cultural issues to consider in this situation many of which are not immediately apparent.

What religion or not would any kids you had be??

Don't do it. Becoming a muslim woman in the eyes of other muslims will require you to act as one. You will be hounded for not being a good muslim. And remember you are not allowed to renounce your religion.

Tell him to get stuffed. Make it 100% crystal clear you'll never even consider converting and if he cannot handle that then he should walk now.

BTW Are you happy for your kids (assuming you will have any) to automatically become muslims? Because you know they won't be given a choice in the matter.

why did your partner begin dating you knowing you're atheist?

We can't know if it applies to OP's partner, but IME some muslim men do this to avoid missing out on an active sex life. Young and devout muslim woman from conventional households are often less likely to agree to pre-marital sex, so they choose a non muslim instead knowing some families will just "prefer not to know"

Until it comes to marriage and kids that is, when the situation can change dramatically

Puzzled not really true, I was with my Muslim DH for 20 odd years and he knew I was only nominally Christian.

The problem is they don’t adhere to the culture but it sometimes isn’t as easy as “standing up” to the family. DH did that and it really was a choice of family or love, he was cut off for 10 years. So lying to someone who has complete control but you only see now and then seems the easy option.

However when we split it WAS due to him lying and I think there is something in someone having to lie to family from an early age, becoming so very used to it...

You’ve known him just one year and lived together for half that time?

Way too fast.

@Lozalot if you have children with him he will still put his 'family' before his children

@PicsInRed ditto!

Nobody’s going to hound her to ‘act’ Muslim. There are plenty of Muslims who don’t practice and it is very easy to leave the faith. My sister has. Nobody can or would do anything to stop her.

The whole thing however will end in tears as you both have completely different expectations from this relationship and there is every chance he wil suddenly find Islam when you’ve been married a while and children come along.

He’s telling you he will always go along with what his family wants. So I would honestly walk away.

Nobody’s going to hound her to ‘act’ Muslim
Except her husband who, despite claiming to not observe, has a preference for a Muslim wife, which we can guess means "I want a wife who will follow traditional gender roles at home, fall in line, raise the children etc" (because that's almost always what people men of selective faith mean as they don't want to take any responsibility or obligations themselves but quite like the idea of keeping a wife in her place at home).

Funny how he doesn't have any issues until he's setting the parameters for marriage. If faith doesn't matter to him and there's no faith requirement for a woman to revert to Islam then the only thing he can be after is a nice wifey who'll play nice and please him/family.

Even 50-odd years ago people who weren't Catholic, who married Catholics, didn't have to convert. My parents are a case in point - one DP Catholic, the other not (Christened into the CofE church, but not practising at any stage of their life beyond that).

But there was the Ne Temere decree! Being required to make a written assurance that you would raise the children in the faith is just as major as conversion. This was Catholic law until the 70ies btw.

The current question asked in mixed marriage (non-Catholic Christian to Catholic) is the following:
''Do you promise to do what you can within the unity of your partnership to have all the children of your marriage baptised and brought up in the Catholic faith?"

And isn't there still something about a special dispensation required to marry a non-baptised person(let's say a Muslim)?

So yes, even nowadays. Mixed marriages are still a bit of a problem / come with additional steps non-mixed couples do not face afaik.

As everyone seems to have completely ignored my posts, OP feel free to PM me if you want to discuss this further from someone with a different perspective (Muslim with a non-Muslim DH). There is some good advice on this thread but most of it is just stereotypes based on small anecdata.

There is a thread currently ongoing OP where a French non-Muslim woman has married a Pakistani Muslim man. It is an extreme case from what it sounds but perhaps worth a read www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3755087-I-am-so-scared-to-tell-my-husband-its-yet-another-girl

I'm an atheist. Was brought up going to church, have a reasonable knowledge of christianity. But I just don't believe.

If you don't believe, you don't believe. It's not like converting from christianity to Catholicism. Where the basic principle is the same - that you believe in God. You can't MAKE yourself believe.

If you want to give it a fair shot I'd make the starting point that you will learn more about the religion and see if it changes your views. But I would ask him to engage in that learning too, however it may take place, so you can discuss things together afterwards- after all, this is HIS religion and if he wants you to convert I would approach it as a shared interest to begin with. He can practice what he's preaching.

As for saying he has broken free of his culture, I hate to point out the obvious, but he clearly hasn't. He has broken free from actively practising, but by the very fact he has asked you to convert, he is clearly still entrenched in the culture.

I hope if you are genuinely really happy together that you find a middle ground, but I do strongly think that if he wants you to go down this path and you find yourself open to exploring it, that he should be taking the journey with you.

I was in a relationship with a Muslim man many years ago. He had the same view... I would be given a Muslim name if we were to get married...children would have Muslim names...go to the mosque etc

All this while I'm catholic, but my religion was to be cast aside, like it meant nothing.

He said if 8 loved him, I would convert. I said if he loved me, he would take me as I was.

Our relationship ended and I would never ever be in a relationship with a man from the Islamic religion again after that.

When it comes to marriage, it's their way or no way when it comes to converting for marriage.

Though we had a good relationship in many ways, the whole religion was extremely difficult to deal with led to me being stressed out.

I was just 20/21 then, with age and wisdom I wouldn't go there and would say the same to my DDs.

Don't do it. Find someone with similar beliefs to you.

Hello. Talking from the viewpoint as the daughter of a Muslim man here. My mum didn't convert which he accepted (she's Christian but not practicing) I remember him being a good dad when I was young. Very loving and funny. But as I got older things changed. I was born and raised in London, mum raised me and my sister as he traveled a lot for work so just a normal western upbringing. He didn't like it. When I got pregnant with my first child and he found out my partner was not Muslim he went no contact. Even though for him it was ok that my mum didn't convert and neither did his second wife because he was a man but as I was a woman I should of been with a Muslim man or nobody at all. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years. I have 3 children he has never met. It's very sad that he let religion get in the way of meeting his own flesh and blood. My sister is now pregnant with her first baby and they no longer speak either. Religion should never come before love and if he lets it I would leave and find someone who puts you first no matter what.

Some narrow minded pricks on here

Fuck that op find a Nice atheist fella instead

Just look at the recent post about the French woman! Do u even need to ask?

Have you asked him if he's willing to convert to your religion?

@Lozalot

He actually told you he wants a muslim wife?

You should of told him that by the time you are married, you would like a Brad Pitt lookalike husband!

I'm a Muslim myself and I'm telling you run. It's the hypocrisy. If he doesn't even practice the religion, why would he want to "make" you to convert? Definitely a sign he's controlling and it's only going to get worse from here

Woah, where in the 'all girls but I want a boy' thread does the OP say her husband is a Muslim?! Also, so many stereotypes and assumptions on this thread- it's disgusting. OP he sounds like a d*ck- a massively hypocritical one. That should be enough of a red flag- it doesn't matter what label he has for a belief (or lack of). I would say- protect yourself. Do not invest anymore into this relationship. Have fun and move on. Let him find his version of his perfect 'Muslim' wife from elsewhere. Stay true to yourself. One of the basic tenets of Islam is that there is no compulsion in religion- you either believe or you don't. I wouldn't force myself to follow something if there's nothing in me saying I should- and anyone who forces you to even 'fake it' is a douchebag. (This coming from a Muslim woman). He sounds like he has major hangups re: his identity and he needs to grow a pair and address those.