Dating Thread 175 - It's not you, it's them. Also: people are weird at Christmas time.

[MoreNiceCereal]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@MoreNiceCereal it adds a whole new layer to the stress of OLD doesn't it? It's already stressful but when you've got these fears it does make it harder. On the other hand hopefully makes us cautious in a good way!

I've learnt so much doing OLD actually, about good/bad behaviour. It gives the chance to spot red flags before even meeting which is good!

Oh yes, dating has been very good practice indeed.

For anyone interested, I've been dipping in and out of a book called Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. It's very good - I've highlighted nearly every page!

NoMore - keeping him at arm's length is probably wise at this stage, but I don't think it's needy to want to message in between dates! I am very chatty and like checking in with irons in the run up to a first date or in between dates. I had one guy who worked from home a lot like me, and we messaged throughout the day. Just random shit like links to funny videos or articles, memes, whatever. I missed that for a while when it all went tits-up with him. I currently message Mr G throughout the day with stuff about my day, because he's asleep right now, he wakes up to tons of messages! But he likes it and will read thru everything and reply to all of them. I do think it's important to be happy with your level of messaging whatever that means to each person.

I am on my phone too much. I admit it.

@TimeTravellingDiamond I think a lot of us have had abusive exes. Mine wasn't too bad comparatively but he was emotionally abusive. He was just horrible to me all the time and gaslighted a lot. Tried to stop me doing anything work/career wise, alienated all my friends. Etc. There was no love and affection or intimacy. Mr U and I had a funny very low level Intimacy which suited both of us. I can't imagine being close to someone or having someone love me. Not sure I'll ever let it happen.

@MoreNiceCereal, @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking I am the same. I love messaging, just general chat. I'm missing FWB's texts so much. Literally every day since July we'd message so it makes it feel even more that I've lost something. We'd just chat about anything, what we were up to, sometimes sexting, sometimes pics. He said to me once 'do you think we'll still be in touch in 10 years time?'. I laughed and said I had no idea. He said he thought we would. I know words are words but I also know with him he never says/does something unless he means it or wants it. Makes me thought he definitely felt some kind of connection to me.

Mr Hair seems a little chattier now which is good. My next worry is is he a real person? 😂 get so stressed about fake profiles.

@unambiguousbeard 💐 it's very hard to let anyone in after going through that.

I am sending myself emails with links in of things i want to share with him if/ when he actually messages me. Ffs.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking FWB and I would share the most stupid things. Pics of what we were having for dinner, haircuts. I sent him a pic of my fancy hot chocolate in Costa 😂 as well as more private stuff.

It's just nice to share a conversation and what you're up to. I'm really feeling the loss of it- when I got my tats done the other day that's something I would have shared with him and now I can't.

Pmed you

I really feel like the girl everyone wants to shag and nothing more 😩 Mr Hair seems to now be just wanting a shag over the weekend, I don't think he likes the idea of a date without it.

I feel so fed up.

So date is off with Mr Hair and I've unmatched him on bumble. Clear all he wanted was sex.

Thing is I'm in dire need of it too. Making me feel sick to think of FWB off with someone else, feel like I should at least be doing the same so I don't feel completely repulsive or pathetic.

I'd just like a bit more at the same time 😩 x

@TimeTravellingDiamond Sorry to hear that...did you tell him why or just unmatch him?

Time you know what, at least he was upfront about it
And it’s not right for you so glad you know now rather than when you are there!

I’m the same - I go off the boil at stranger sex chat. I want to have sex with someone I actually know something about 😂

And I’m the same. Always the one to shag. It’s really annoying

He wasn't exactly what I'd call upfront- we were chatting quite a bit this morning and I was clear that I didn't just want casual sex and he seemed to be on board. But then when it was clear he wouldn't be getting sex tomorrow night he started saying 'we want different things'.

He said it's a shame but good luck finding what you want and I unmatched at that point, I doubt he's bothered!

I probably should have phrased this ‘too stupid and horny to hide it’ 😂 rather than up front

I am getting this a lot, I can tell quickly how this will go last night someone over 59 miles away asked for a hook up with me I said it’s bloody miles away no thanks!

Closer inspection of Mr Moving - he has an earring and his grammar is bloody awful. But he actually seems sweet and polite so far, no sleaze so I am going to give him a one date chance on Sunday

@Menora 😂

I would just like to have a bloody distraction and go out! Have a reason to wear something nice. And someone to hopefully take my mind off FWB.

Is it possible for someone to do that? I'm only realising now just how strong my feelings were.

@TimeTravellingDiamond tbh I don't think it is. I think you need time to get over him. No one will match up to him at this point.

So i dtd with mr gray after 2 hour long drink meetings 😬. But that wasn’t either of our intention (well defo not mine) until we met and that became evident the way it was going 🤷🏼‍♀️. Then we kind of agreed over messaging but I wouldn’t have done it or agreed without having met him first. And it was clear it wasn’t a one off thing but now there’s these issues and it may or may not be on hold 🤷🏼‍♀️. But I wouldn’t agree to sex with someone I’d never seen in person as I don’t think you can really have that attraction until you meet 🤷🏼‍♀️. Even if nothing more happens sadly it was a bloody good night and after a long drought was what I needed. I don’t think I’d kissed my ex in 8 years 🤷🏼‍♀️ He didn’t like it

The idea that a man would think you weren't a good match because you're not guaranteeing sex pre-meet is frankly f**ing insane

I've slept with men on the first date, 3rd date etc. No hard and fast rules. But who guarantees it before meeting or even after! Break out the contracts

It feels like we are all in such a bad position- feels like the guys hold all the cards. I mean I'm not one for hanging around and waiting ages to have sex with someone but feels like they pretend to want more just so they can get their dicks wet and then after just screw you around or go weird. Ugh.

I’ve slept with people at all different stages but the main difference is I never enjoyed it unless I felt I knew them. I could never relax and not worry

The guys don't hold all the cards. That's a bad starting position for OLD.