Opinions on this dating situation desperately wanted please!

[LastChanceSaloon2019]

Hello...I'm after people's opinions please on a dating situation I've found myself in as I really can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.

NC so this isn't linked to my other posts.

I'll try to be brief and just give you the facts, but would welcome brutal honesty as to what you think of the situation and what you think I should do next?

Been single over 3yrs, have done OLD and had lots of dates. Met a variety of men but the few I really liked turned out to be idiots and so it never went anywhere.

Latest guy I've been dating for a few months. On paper he's everything I'm looking for, plus I find him totally gorgeous and the chemistry we have is unreal. My profile on the site we met on said I was looking for a relationship and from what he's said I believe he shares the same opinion on the things mentioned above.

For context I'm a lone parent, although child free EOW and during school holidays plus have family close by who are happy to babysit.

So... this is where I'm struggling. We've had two midweek 'sober' dinner dates which were lovely, but instigated by me.

Our other dates have been on the weekends I'm child free and alcohol featured heavily, but were very enjoyable.

The week during half term I was child free (which he knew) and we made loose plans to go out for a meal but because I "didn't give him a kick up the arse" it never happened.

We normally msg daily - nothing excessive but just a "hey how are you" or "have a good day" etc. Some days we msg more depending on what we're chatting about.

He went quiet once which I mentioned and he was very apologetic and things went back to how they were. All good.

But something now just feels off. Three days of radio silence last week after I replied to a msg he sent me. His excuse? He thought he'd replied

He Avoids questions I ask him.

He Cancelled a weekend away together last weekend that we'd planned (had to visit a sick relative instead) the three days silence were the days leading up to when we were going away. I'd sorted childcare for this weekend.

He's away this weekend, when I'm child free but hasn't attempted to make plans to see me again. Which means if I don't... it would be 4 weeks until I see him next.

He messaged me this morning, which I replied to but yet again it's just radio silence...!

I'm not a needy person, and know I've not come on too strong as he said one of the things he likes about me is I don't stress him out but this doesn't look great does it?

We've both said we're not dating others and we have slept together.

So... if you've made it this far, thank you for reading and I'd welcome your thoughts and opinions

I'm wishing for him to make it clear he still wants to progress things which is mad I know given everything that's been said on here.

Seriously, OP? This is a guy who, as a pp said, is more interested in knowing whether you prefer someone else's penis than in dealing with the fact that his terrible communication and 'fuck and forget' attitude has caused the relationship to end.

People (especially men) who do not have children are not really interested in all the necessary arrangements about childcare/child free time etc. It sounds as though he is seeing someone else as well as you, so best not to have high hopes.

He is probably relying on you being polite , nice , and accommodating.

Op, you are tolerating shit though, you're tolerating a boat load of it. He's treating you badly and you're hanging on in there taking it.

If you weren't tolerating shit you'd have simply deleted and blocked,

Delete all the messages you have sent between each other. I have been in a similar situation this week. I feel so much better after deleting the chat, I was looking over it, analysing it, trying to work out when he started being off.

I’ve not blocked him because I still need to see him regularly (unfortunately) but you should. It will help you get over the whole thing.

I can see your game too OP, this hope you have is only going to lead to more heartbreak. Sometimes you have to rip that plaster off!

Well done 👏 you have said the right thing to him. I do sense from his comments that he is gutted... however, he is gutted that you have dented his ego rather than feed it. He can’t quite believe it.

I do not see him changing if this is the amount of effort he is putting in when he is supposed to be at the stage of really impressing you. If you do reply I would simply highlight the fact that at the beginning it should be effort, romance and making the best impression which he has not done therefore it can only get worse rather than better over time.

I’m sorry, it’s shit, the worst feeling in the world. But... it’s even more painful if it continues and you have to constantly feel that pain of the toxicity of a waiting his calls, texts, plans etc not knowing if you are coming or going. You are worth more! Remember that!

He isn't interested in you.

I think he's scared of having a girlfriend with children from a previous relationship and so he is not letting things get too serious ... sadly, I think you are just a convenience for him.

There is nothing stated to suggest he is scared because you have children. I don’t think that has anything to do with this! He is potentially a bit immature and not ready to settle down. And maybe likes his ego fed by numerous girls rather than sticking with one partner for a serious relationship.

What’s his history? Has he had long term/recent relationships?

I’m sure he is interested in you. But not for the reasons you are interested in him, not for a steady, committed relationship.

"Gutted" is just a platitude op, no more no less.

Loladoodle I think you're spot on with your first paragraph.

He's a bit of a 'lad' but never came across as cocky or arrogant.

He is (in my opinion) very good looking and I couldn't quite believe my luck that he seemed to fancy me as much as I did him. I know that sounds really pitiful and I'm not usually one to be negative. I don't think I scrub up too bad once I put the effort in

My point being that I think me sending the message I did would have surprised him, and I don't think he's used to being the dumpee rather than the dumper.

He's mid 40s, 10yrs my senior. Had a couple of LTRs but never married. Lots of flings. No kids.
Cheated on a girlfriend once, but never done it again.
Has dated women with kids, and I made it clear I'd be keeping my time with him and my daughter completely separate so that's not an issue.

Ahhhhh... commitment phobe he is

You are ten years younger! He should be thinking what a lucky guy he is!!!

I’ll tell you what happened to me. I had that similar sitch... and the lovely guy I’ve ended up with is actually 8 years younger than me. Now I’ve never ever dated younger - but he has honestly eradicated every issue I had with the idea of dating younger guys. Maybe try younger next time 😉 if they are ready to commit - age is just a number!

He’s enjoying his last hurrah before he goes bald and fat and ties some poor 27 year old woman into being his trophy wife

I see it all the time... not the trophy wife part. But guys playing the field until it’s too late! Then they end up either alone or with someone they aren’t really that happy with. Men just don’t know when they got it good sometimes... karma is always around the corner 😱

Hi OP, I've just read through your thread and have every sympathy. We've all been there. The disappointment is the worst.
His replies when you dumped him were half arsed at best. If he really didn't want it to end, he would have been straight on the phone to you to sort it out. He was never that bothered by the sounds of it.
Please don't give up though. Use this experience and learn from it for next time.

Oh you have spared yourself months of second guessing and anxiety here OP

It hurts. But typing "gutted" is easy. Did he ring and try to invite you out so he could make it up to you IN PERSON?

No.

Tough now but he is a MIP agent as matthew hussey would say.

He is only gutted because now he has to find a another back burner so to speak.
Sounds to me you were something for him to do when he had nothing else going.
He left you dangling and noone deserves that.
Glad you know your worth OP.
It's a shame he didnt.

I hate it on these threads when people come on and harang the OP - who has only just started dealing with this situation - to act faster, be tougher, give her a hard time.

This is someones real life - the OP is in a situation that all of us find ourselves in at some point in our lives, where we like someone even though it hurts to do so..

Im impressed you ended it OP - and I think ghosting, deleting and blocking is a load of shit - two wrongs don't make a right, be strong enough to politely end things whatever happens - it is the best way to avoid pain and confusion all round.

People who are bossing you about to be even tougher are just ridiculous - probably most people in this situation would let it go on and on.

I think the most telling thing here is that he didn't pick the phone up straight away - and say listen, I want this to work lets meet now.

a text saying 'gutted' is pathetic.

Its horrible but you have been really brave and saved yourself months more pain.

I agree with everything you say @waterrat

My mam always said... if they like you then you'll know, if they don't then you'll be confused.

He sounds like a twat.

I also think the story about the sick relative is suspicious.

I’m just adding my two-penneth.
If all he can muster up is ‘Gutted’ I’d wager he isn’t.
He is not going to change.
Move on and most definitely block.