Opinions on this dating situation desperately wanted please!

[LastChanceSaloon2019]

Hello...I'm after people's opinions please on a dating situation I've found myself in as I really can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.

NC so this isn't linked to my other posts.

I'll try to be brief and just give you the facts, but would welcome brutal honesty as to what you think of the situation and what you think I should do next?

Been single over 3yrs, have done OLD and had lots of dates. Met a variety of men but the few I really liked turned out to be idiots and so it never went anywhere.

Latest guy I've been dating for a few months. On paper he's everything I'm looking for, plus I find him totally gorgeous and the chemistry we have is unreal. My profile on the site we met on said I was looking for a relationship and from what he's said I believe he shares the same opinion on the things mentioned above.

For context I'm a lone parent, although child free EOW and during school holidays plus have family close by who are happy to babysit.

So... this is where I'm struggling. We've had two midweek 'sober' dinner dates which were lovely, but instigated by me.

Our other dates have been on the weekends I'm child free and alcohol featured heavily, but were very enjoyable.

The week during half term I was child free (which he knew) and we made loose plans to go out for a meal but because I "didn't give him a kick up the arse" it never happened.

We normally msg daily - nothing excessive but just a "hey how are you" or "have a good day" etc. Some days we msg more depending on what we're chatting about.

He went quiet once which I mentioned and he was very apologetic and things went back to how they were. All good.

But something now just feels off. Three days of radio silence last week after I replied to a msg he sent me. His excuse? He thought he'd replied

He Avoids questions I ask him.

He Cancelled a weekend away together last weekend that we'd planned (had to visit a sick relative instead) the three days silence were the days leading up to when we were going away. I'd sorted childcare for this weekend.

He's away this weekend, when I'm child free but hasn't attempted to make plans to see me again. Which means if I don't... it would be 4 weeks until I see him next.

He messaged me this morning, which I replied to but yet again it's just radio silence...!

I'm not a needy person, and know I've not come on too strong as he said one of the things he likes about me is I don't stress him out but this doesn't look great does it?

We've both said we're not dating others and we have slept together.

So... if you've made it this far, thank you for reading and I'd welcome your thoughts and opinions

@LastChanceSaloon2019

What if, by blocking and deleting now, however uncomfortable that is, you begin to break a deep-seated pattern? Maybe by doing this you'll start to put yourself first.

Just a thought.

Looking back when I was OD, I wish I never contacted the men who ghosted me. I did to get closure but it never made me feel better, instead im sure it gave them an ego boost!

If you can, just ignore. I promise your just feel more crap by messaging and showing you care and it won't change anything.

I had a man message me a year after ghosting. He apologised for ignoring me etc, it was his issue and he wanted another chance. By this point I was over him and I did not even reply to his message, it felt great!

Forget everything he's ever said to you, and look at how he's treating you. Be honest with yourself and stop making excuses for him, he's treating you like shit. He can only treat you like shit if you are still there, hanging around, just waiting for him to let you down, treat you with regard and no respect.

Why would you want to send a final message? If he keeps cancelling and not making arrangements not to see you, he's not going to give a shit about a good bye text. On the contrary, he'll probably be relieved you've saved him the job. You'll get more self worth by knowing your own worth and removing and blocking him and anyone else who doesn't treat you with common courtesy and respect from now on.

Move on to someone better

I will admit a lot of exes in the dating game have also popped back up quite some time later and I was always confused why. But I know why, and it’s because I had really low self esteem and would let them back in for another chance! I got ghosted horribly by a boyfriend about 6 years ago, I was so so upset. Guess what? Slept with him again a year later when I bumped into him!

The problem wasn’t just the men on OLD, it was how I was approaching all the situations. Always trying to take it easy, not put stress on them, it’s ok if they keep ditching you and taking them back. I was my own doormat

I had a long break from dating and came back knowing what I will and won’t put up with. Also being more aware of spotting signs. I actually think it’s a bad sign to have all of these deep convos about what you want so early on, because you need to remember that some people will day anything to get sex. You need to have fun with someone and not try to work out whether they are in it for the long haul really soon, because you just won’t be able to tell that soon. You want it to work because you don’t want it not to work. Not because he is the right man for you, it’s not about him. This is about you

I get what you're saying AFistfulofDelores1, but I've had no problems blocking and deleting other guys who either messed me around or weren't compatible.

I think why I'm finding it so hard to do in this instance is because I was starting to get attached and liked him a hell of a lot.

We'd even spoken about going on holiday together early next year and made plans to spend New Year's Eve together (the first was his suggestion, second was a mutual thing once we realised neither of us had plans)

I know I'll never understand it but all I keep thinking is just...why?

I’m not blaming you or saying your fault. You feel awful. And he is awful. Please don’t take it that way

Just that this is almost like self harming, and you need to step out of the patterns

Going back to your OP, it is clear he was always more interested in drunken fun weekend nights which ended in sex, right?

But normal mid week dating he wasn’t very interested. Would these have been sober, no sex at the end dates?

This would have been my first warning signs that it wasn’t as it seemed. I tend to date sober initially until I get to know someone a bit more nowadays, because drunk night out dating always ends in sex especially when there is chemistry

I can see why it’s confusing as he talked about a weekend away, from the other side you still don’t know each other very well and he’s clearly unsure whether he wants to jump into a holiday just the 2 of you, doing real couple things. The cancelling the weekend could have been genuine but by then it was becoming a pattern of him subconsciously telling you he doesn’t want to conventionally date in the same way you do. If you booty called him on a Saturday night you would probably see him pretty quickly (but don’t)

Menora, sadly I think you've hit the nail bang on the head.

I said in my opening post that we'd slept together which is true. This is a drip feed and apologies for TMI but the first time we had intercourse was the last time I saw him.
We had been intimate several times before that however.

So now I'm thinking he's fucked and run

And yes, he doesn't seem as interested in midweek sober dating. Take the half term week... if he really liked me he would have made every attempt to see me wouldn't he, knowing I was child free?

Obviously I think the same as everyone else. He's not interested and I think he's very much hoping that you'll block and delete him. I know it's hard to do because you like him but he sounds like a bit of an arse. Try and think of the advice you would give to a friend who was telling you she was in the same situation? You'd tell her to get rid wouldn't you? It wouldn't matter if you'd met him through OLD or in a pub so don't give up. There are some nice men out there.

I think he’s a lazy dater. He just doesn’t want to put the effort in to anything
Lots of similar men who just like dates in pubs so they can drink pints and watch football over your shoulder
Good sign if someone likes you is that they will go on a daytime outing with no booze

Don’t give up dating you are lovely

Thank you Menora.

Your last sentence has got me all emotional 😢

Update - he has just this minute text me on WhatsApp. I was just on there messaging a friend strangely

I wouldn't bother replying.

Oh OP, he sounds like a rat

I wouldn't dramatically flounce, or send a closing message.
Just delete the chat and try your very hardest to not message him at all.

Until your last few posts I was going to say that my DP was the same when we first started dated.
Wouldn't hear from him for days at a time, dates few and far between...

But, and it's a bit but!, he was only like it for about 2 weeks and (during those 2 weeks) he was completing on his house purchase, decorating and moving in. Plus he had stuff with his DC and their v. difficult mum to deal with.
Once the bulk of the work was done, he was much more attentive, kind, caring and all round lovely.
We spent the first night in the new house together and have been together since.

It doesn't sound like that's the case with the man you're seeing at all, and it's horrible.
Ignore him (don't block him, don't let him see it's bothered you that much!) and get back to dating.

excuse my ignorance.. but what is OLD?

Op I actually think differently. I would be honest and give him another chance. It's early days and life is busy and complex.

He does sound a bit uninterested but I think it's very easy to be harsh online. In real life if there is a connection and you set boundaries and feel you can be honest then I think it might help to let him have another chance.

No I honestly think that if he is going to make effort he would have by now

What has he text you?
He’s lazy. And that does not bode well for any relationship you wouldn’t want to actually be with a bloke who could never be arsed right? Women shouldn’t put up with this because we assume it’s a male trait. It’s just an arsehole trait

Editmyname- it stands for online dating.

I've not yet opened the message, or replied but when it popped up I saw that it just said "you alright x"

That was on WhatsApp. He's still completely ignored my last text message yesterday.

Soooo many things going through my mind as to what to reply. IF I should reply even....I want to but don't know how to play it.

And waterrat, interesting stance on the situation. Thank you.

I kind of shared a similar view last week after the three days silence, thinking "do you know what... it's early days. Maybe I AM expecting too much"

But essentially all that's doing is excusing his behaviour and ignoring how shit it makes me feel.

I agree. Just leave it and you'll see what happens. |f he messages you then great! if not no loss incurred

I was in a relationship like this..... for 8 months!!!!! Never a priority, cancelled last minute, he always made selfish choices and I found myself becoming a very weak person as I stupidly appeased him and rather than get openly upset about the constant let downs, I allowed his behaviour to continue. I was in a difficult time in my life this was my first new relationship in a very long time and my low self esteem at the time made me accept his selfish attitude and behaviour. Thankfully over time I regained confidence and self worth knowing I could do better than that- and I ditched him! I can’t imagine how unhappy I’d be if I were still putting up with that! It is not worth it!! Yes the initial heart ache was difficult last BUT I rallied on and distracted myslef- continued dating without any huge expectations more just in my free time to meet different people without expecting a relationship to come of anything. Low and behold 7 months later I met a guy from OLD and my life has changed so so much. I never had to chase him, he has always put me first, he respects me and loves me more than I ever imagined possible. So please... do not hold out for him to change- he won’t. Free your time up, have fun and the right guy will come along. You will know when it’s right and you will feel nothing but 💯 % secure at all times.

Best of luck!

And FYI- id need closure so would just be honest with him that you are looking for more and deserve more than he can offer so you do not wish to proceed any further but thank him for his time 😂

Oh OP how awful for you, hope you can manage not to reply and just leave it, he didn't rush into replying to you and doesn't deserve you. I know it hurts, been there many times.

Personally I would just ignore the message and ignore him for your own emotional welfare. Try not to focus on him and it will slowly get better.

He’s just trying to arrange a weekend shag.

Don’t reply at all. Don’t make yourself available to him. Let him see you’ve been on WhatsApp but don’t reply.

And change your WhatsApp pic to the hottest one you have 😂

Whenever you feel yourself wobbling, ask yourself if you want to be one of the old dull baubles round the back of someone’s Christmas tree, or the angel on the top

Menora - I love it!

Menora

I agree, it's just a 'feeler' message to check you're still available to him.