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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this inappropriate?

364 replies

justtheonenamechange · 25/11/2019 12:42

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

OP posts:
LadyRoughDiamond · 25/11/2019 16:47

I'm a teacher OP - this could be the template for a teacher training session on what NOT to do. Totally inappropriate.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 25/11/2019 16:47

I rarely comment on threads about relationships ..
But op, I am giving you the biggest virtual hug ever and also a massive hand hold

This would be the end of my marriage and I think it would be for most women?
You deserve so much better and that poor girl does aswell

I hope you have the strength to divorce him x

MsDogLady · 25/11/2019 16:50

I feel like there is some sort of ‘institutionalized acceptance’ of inappropriate relationships within the group he attends...I think that not all the leaders aren’t necessarily aware of what is/isn’t acceptable.

OP, if the above is true, then the leader you tell may do nothing. You need to contact the police, just as you surely would if this were your child.

LoonyLunaLoo · 25/11/2019 16:50

I’m so sorry, but he’s 100% grooming her.

KristinaM · 25/11/2019 16:52

I’m sorry OP ok agree with everyone else.

Yes it’s grooming, undoubtedly. Makes no difference in UK law if she’s 16 / 17 ( as a PP asked ) as the age of consent is 18 if the adult is in a position of authority.

I an involved with half a dozen children’s charities / sports / youth organisations and NONE of them allow adults to even have the phone number of children, let alone text them. They are not even allowed to add children on social media.

At one point a 19 year old female trainee leader was giving a lift to my 17 year old daughter and i was asked my permission ( in writing ) for the older girl to have my DD phone number. This may sound OTT but its to avoid the situation outlined in the OP.

All communication goes through a parents emails address / group chat/ texts or by letter.

Aragog · 25/11/2019 16:52

FWIW, I am sure it's not a case of him grooming her. He has mentioned her name in the past, how under-confident she is and how he's taken her under his wing.

Im afraid it does read as grooming, and it does appear to be very inappropriate.

Under 18 and her group leader - inappropriate; he will know he shouldn't have this level of communication with someone he is a leader off. He is in a position of trust and this could very well be seen as breaching that trust.

I am not sure he should have her telephone number for personal communication either.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 25/11/2019 16:52

Institutionalized acceptance of inappropriate relationships is very worrying - basically men grooming children?

Police!

Gingerninja01 · 25/11/2019 16:52

So creepy, what sort of man in his 40s repeatedly texts a young teenager full stop, never mind all the fishing/subtle pressurising he is doing. Report this man, he is a creep and possibly predatory.

Fizzysours · 25/11/2019 16:53

Housebuyer, you are scaring me. I hope you don't work with kids.

ELM8 · 25/11/2019 16:54

You poor thing Thanks, he's definitely been inappropriate and that is just awful timing with everything you had going on.

The good thing about reporting anonymously is that you might be able to gauge how aware he was of the inappropriateness by how much he tells you when he inevitably gets his ass dragged over hot coals.

FairyBatman · 25/11/2019 16:56

If this is a youth leader and teenager type scenario it’s completely and totally inappropriate and needs highlighting to the organisation’s safeguarding team.

In any context it’s creepy AF.

Aragog · 25/11/2019 16:58

First, we got together when I was 15 and he was in his 20s. Read into that what you will.

So, he already has experience of having an inappropriate relationship with a teenage girl whilst he was/is an adult.

Well done for reporting this OP and putting this girl's wellbeing first. I am sure you are doing through your own turmoil having discovered the messaged. Take care

AryaStarkWolf · 25/11/2019 17:01

First, we got together when I was 15 and he was in his 20s. Read into that what you will.

Oh I missed that part. Well, that tells you everything you need to know about what's going on here. How can you have got together with him at 15 when he was an adult but be sure he's not grooming another teenager?

Aragog · 25/11/2019 17:05

I don't think it necessarily is grooming, it's just an inappropriate relationship of a person in trust

Just?!?! Just inappropriate??? Its massively inappropriate behaviour, and not even the first time!

Not grooming? Take a look at this - maybe it will explain to you why this looks very much like grooming to pretty much everyone else on this thread!

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

This could be a........a friend or someone who has targeted them ......group leader........

Whether online or in person, groomers can use tactics like: ...giving advice or showing understanding...giving attention.....

Some children are more at risk of grooming, particularly those who are vulnerable.......Groomers will exploit any vulnerability

Aragog · 25/11/2019 17:06

@justtheonenamechange

OP

CosmoK · 25/11/2019 17:12

housebuyer it absolutely is grooming.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2019 17:12

I'm so sorry op for your loss, 💐

Words fail me that he was texting this girl he had a lonely boring day when he was having a family day. That's so low. Clearly didn't want her to know. 😔

Electrocute1980 · 25/11/2019 17:13

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this and for the loss of your baby Thanks I hope you have some real life support so you can report this awful man and then get as far away from him as you can.

FairyBatman · 25/11/2019 17:17

@justtheonenamechange I’ve read the full thread now and I wanted to say how incredibly brave and kind of you to recognise and act on your concerns despite what you are going through.

A piece of advice though if I may, if you get the vibe that other adults in the group aren’t aware of their safeguarding responsibilities or don’t take them seriously then I wouldn’t speak to the local group leader.

Either speak to the head office if there is one, the NSPCC helpline on 08088005000 or your local MASH (multi-agency safeguarding hub) you can google their number or there will be a page on your local council website for “concerns about a child.”

JaneyJimplin · 25/11/2019 17:18

He is grooming her. I'm sorry

AnyFucker · 25/11/2019 17:19

I have seen this sort of thing happen in athletics clubs.

Is your husband an athletics coach ?

81Byerley · 25/11/2019 17:21

OP, I'm so sorry, this is awful for you. You sound very strong. I hope you'll let us know what happens.

Whatsmyageagain0 · 25/11/2019 17:22

Really really creepy.

If it was my DD I would go ape

If it was my DH I would leave him immediately.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 25/11/2019 17:29

'Did you get footage?'

So he's effectively asking her to send a video Sad

My heart goes out to you, OP.

He's very good at this. I would think that he has done this before. I mean, I'm a woman in my mid-30s and for a second, I could almost believe it. I can see how a teenage girl would Sad
And I feel sad and sorry for her- it's clear that she feels uncomfortable, but doesn't have skills to not respond Sad

Flowers
BlobbyTheLump · 25/11/2019 17:41

OP, you need to report this.

He is in a position of trust and should in no way be messaging this girl. At all.
She is still a child.

I would go as far as to say that if you don't report, you're complicit in this too.

If it was my DD I would be going absolutely mental.
Whether you think it's grooming or not is irrelevant.

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