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Relationships

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Is this inappropriate?

364 replies

justtheonenamechange · 25/11/2019 12:42

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 25/11/2019 16:23

I’m so sorry OP, for the loss of your baby and because your husband is a grooming predatory shit of a man.

If you feel that inappropriate relationships aren’t taken seriously in this group then please please contact the police, and/or any regional or head office of the group in question.

I’m sorry it’s all so awful to contemplate, but imagine this girl will be you in a few years time. In a relationship with a man who groomed her from an young age, pregnant, and finding out he’s doing it to another young girl. He’s clearly got form, you are evidence of that, and god knows how many other young girls he’s been grooming in the interim.

This man is a danger to young girls. Please protect them.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 25/11/2019 16:25

Oh it gets worse OP, you were suffering a loss and he was texting a child?

He would be out with his fucking suitcases. Have you some close friends and family nearby OP?

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/11/2019 16:25

Like others it seemed ok at first but got progressively worse and worse. By the “wet willy” comment I felt sick because it seemed like a sex pun by playing on words.
It should be reported. Even if the adult is same sex as child (male or female)

Timinfuckingruislip · 25/11/2019 16:26

You poor poor thing, please get some real life support if you can. I’ve re-read those messages and every time they get worse.

Your dh will minimise, tell you lies and try and twist this - but it is 100% grooming and I’m wincing at some of the incredibly obvious overtones.

I don’t want to tell you what to do, but if you think there are already concerns with boundaries within the group, it may be better to take this higher up.

Sandals19 · 25/11/2019 16:29

By the “wet willy” comment I felt sick because it seemed like a sex pun by playing on words.

Seemed that way to me too.

ShagMeRiggins · 25/11/2019 16:29

OP, amongst other ‘sorries,’ I’m sorry for the loss of your baby. Flowers

Timetobegood · 25/11/2019 16:33

What kind of group is it?

Definitely take it to management/organisers/whoever is in charge especially if it is at a national level as they should have safeguarding and complaints policies and procedures in place.

Aussiebean · 25/11/2019 16:35

Well done on reporting it.

That is such a hard thing to do and many would bury their heads.

Flowers
RLEOM · 25/11/2019 16:35

I'm so sorry you're going through this. ❤

I know it's not something you'd want to share with everyone but I hope you have at least one trustworthy friend or family member who you can trust and confide in to support you.

Sandals19 · 25/11/2019 16:36

First, we got together when I was 15 and he was in his 20s. Read into that what you will.

Inappropriate. (And under the age of consent).

Him texting (gushing over, let's face it) a teenage girl and telling her he'd had a long, boring day when you'd been going through a miscarriage. Fkg bastard.

Very disappointing and unnerving to hear this group has a lax, inappropriate attitude towards relationships between adult leaders and essentially vulnerable young adults/children really. Had your husband fostered that, I wonder .. has part of his reason for joining and remaining involved been he recognised that attitude and knew his behaviour would be tolerated.

Sounds like it might not even be dealt with properly if you report it to the group. Sounds like police/as should be involved.

CousinKrispy · 25/11/2019 16:37

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. And that you are facing your husband's behavior as well.

You are such a good person to be willing to recognize that something is wrong and to prioritize the girl's wellbeing. Many people would be deep in denial that their partner could do anything inappropriate. You are a strong and caring person and I hope someday you will have the partner you deserve.

I second the suggestion to go to the police as well as to the group itself if you think there is a pattern of questionable behavior within the group and it could be hushed up.

SouthernComforts · 25/11/2019 16:37

You don't recognise it as grooming because he groomed you too.

I really hope you can get away from this creep for good.

Fizzysours · 25/11/2019 16:38

Can I suggest, if the group is not very careful about boundaries, that they will brush it under the carpet? I think phone childline and police...the messages are seriously worrying. And OP... hugs. You are a woman of great integrity. So sorry you are in this situation. Well done for safeguarding a child. Too many turn a blind eye

Sandals19 · 25/11/2019 16:39

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage but it does mean that you're not tied to this ephebophile, groomer and predator for life as you would have had you had kids with him. You can now get out

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/11/2019 16:39

What @CousinKrispy said:

You are such a good person to be willing to recognize that something is wrong and to prioritize the girl's wellbeing. Many people would be deep in denial that their partner could do anything inappropriate. You are a strong and caring person and I hope someday you will have the partner you deserve.

You are wonderful for acting on this to protect a vulnerable child. It's people like you who make such a huge difference by doing the right thing not the easy thing - thank you Flowers

Artandlove · 25/11/2019 16:40

Hugely inappropriate and if the child is genuinely a child then this should be reported to the organisation or even the police. No adult should be sending messages to a teenager like that or in those quantities. It seems to me this adult is abusing their position of power.

Sandals19 · 25/11/2019 16:40

Let's face it, he'll just keep trying to get with teenage girls behind your back until he's successful.

That's not even getting onto the effect on the girls.

Ellapaella · 25/11/2019 16:41

So sorry for your loss OP. I'm afraid I think there is definite grooming going here. The girl is replying in quite a polite way and not giving too much away, I expect she feels a bit uncomfortable about it actually.
He is instigating every single text conversation, blowing kisses and telling her he misses her and wants an excuse to see her. If that's not grooming I don't know what is.
I'm glad you've reported it.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/11/2019 16:41

My heart goes out to you, OP. I'm blown away by your courage. You've really been through the mill - what with your loss, finding this out about your husband and now finding the courage to report him. Flowers

Knowing that you got together when you were just 15 makes it blatantly obvious that your DH is nothing more than a sleazy predator. If you doubt the ethics of other leaders in the group you'll need to report to the police or the county/national headquarters of this group.

ShagMeRiggins · 25/11/2019 16:41

A week later, we had a lovely family day out - the best day we'd had in a long time. Looking at the date of the messages, it was also the date he'd said he'd had a boring, lonely day. That hurts.

Yes, it does.

I will say that people often minimise their lovely experiences with who/what they have, in order to woo another. It’s not excusable, but I understand that it’s done in so many situations, not just grooming, not just affairs.

Doesn’t make it right. It hurts horribly to be right there and be dismissed, or erased.

Sandals said upthread how he sounded needy in the exchange that was posted, and I wish I had mentioned it before you told us it was your husband, but yes, needy is the word.

Regardless if the relationship, he is so fucking needy and wanting validation and if he believes he’s helping someone without confidence, he is wrong. He’s the one lacking.

ExcitedForFuture · 25/11/2019 16:42

Bleugh. Sorry OP. What a vile predator of a man.

housebuyer101 · 25/11/2019 16:43

@maras2 I really think it depends who it is actually. I have encountered conversations like this in my teens and I wasn't being groomed

MsPavlichenko · 25/11/2019 16:43

Given your doubts about the group leader's approach don't contact them. Call the NSPCC for advice.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 25/11/2019 16:44

Sorry to read the messages were from your husband. Like everyone else has said the messages are definitely inappropriate, I wouldn't be happy if my DH was messaging a colleague in that manner let alone a girl under 18.

housebuyer101 · 25/11/2019 16:46

So sorry OP, this is horrible.

I don't think it necessarily is grooming, it's just an inappropriate relationship of a person in trust. I hope things get better Thanks

Sorry about the baby Thanks

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