Is this inappropriate?

[justtheonenamechange]

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

FWIW, I am sure it's not a case of him grooming her. He has mentioned her name in the past, how under-confident she is and how he's taken her under his wing

It really comes across like grooming, sorry OP, must be sickening for you

I am sure it's not a case of him grooming her. He has mentioned her name in the past, how under-confident she is and how he's taken her under his wing.

I’m truly sorry, OP, but that’s the kind of stuff my father used to say to my mother and she believed him. He has a long list of innocent victims and I have half siblings that were born to very young teenage girls. Thank you for looking out for this young girl and I hope you get the support you will need.

Please screenshoot the messages and send them to your own phone as evidence. Don’t let him know you gave it, because if things get nasty towards you, you have very good evidence of his behaviour. Please keep your courage, as I know this is incredibly difficult for you, but you’re doing the right thing.

I also genuinely wasn't having a go at you, I was honestly asking how you could come to the conclusion it wasn't grooming. It clearly is for everyone else, or he is already physically involved with her.

I'm glad you're going to act, because if this girls parents find those messages or if she tells, even if it's just a friend, who tells someone else, then the repercussions will he huge when what he's doing becomes public knowledge. From job loss to social pariah and that includes his family, if she's below 16 it will be even worse.

And yeah the comments re "rules made to be broken" and painting himself as a maverick and wild child .. seem like text-book grooming.

Even the wet willy (if referring to horse play, sticking fingers in ears etc) - quite odd and reminds me of "horseplay" intended to break the touch barrier that abusers do (like ticking, play fighting, tag etc).

Even if students were doing it, the adult shouldn't be - surely.

I was 16 when I signed up for the library I didn't have any confidence at all and the guy who worked there who signed me up used my number from my details and started talking to me like these msgs until we were seeing each other and having sex.
Yes I was 16 and legal but was very vulnerable and can see now that he used his jobs to find young girls like me.
He also said in a argument that he got with me as he knew he could emotionally manipulate me.
Chills me even to this day he acted like a kind of farther figure at times too but he groomed and abused me and I could not see that at the time.

Him saying he misses her and the breaking rules bit. He wants her and is grooming by the constant starting of the conversation.

"rules made to be broken" and painting himself as a maverick and wild child ..

Also seems like a combo of trying to impress her and play the experienced, cool guy ... And set her up to break rules with him.

I am so sorry that you're in this situation OP, it must be so difficult for you to read these messages and try to figure out what to do for the best.

I was in a similar situation to the girl when I was 16 and while the messages seemed very similar to these and nothing very inappropriate said to begin with, within the course of a month they became highly inappropriate and I was so uncomfortable that I had to cut out the entire situation from my life because I didn't feel safe, which meant losing friends/opportunities etc because I couldn't face him and felt scared he would try to force me into the things he told me he wanted to do to me. I had stopped replying at this point and I only replied in the beginning to the 'innocent' messages as I wanted to stay in the adult's 'good books'.

I wish someone had been there to report that man for me as I was too ashamed to tell anybody. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to imagine your DH as someone who could be a predator but for the sake of that girl and potential other young girls, please consider taking it further to the police.

how under-confident she is and how he's taken her under his wing

He'll play this card when confronted.

He'll be lying.

What would a decent adult taking a young person under their wing and trying to build up their confidence look like; not this.

All this private messaging, illiciting feelings from her, talking about excuses to see her again, referring to rule -breaking. No.

It's actually blind of sick that he thinks she's under confident and he's doing this - v predatory.

Either that or he told you that to excuse his interest in her. Perhaps he thought you'd be more suspicious of she seemed confident, precocious etc. With this he passes off his interest as just being kind, trying to bring her out if herself etc. Horrible.

Hi op I was reading them and some I thought were just friendly chit chat but the constant missing me and missing you and then the message about him going next year but he was wanting her to say she would go too because he was going has made me think that it's very inappropriate 😢. Your doing the right thing . Also the fact that he was trying his hardest to keep the convo going isn't a good sign either . I think she got a bit wary towards the end judging by her shorter replies . Have you told him you have read them ? My head would be going by now . I hope your ok . I can't imagine what your feeling xxx

*kind of sick

OP I think he was almost goading her to start a more sexually explicit conversation. It starts off quite neutral then escalates. He’s trying to act like he’s one of the kids and not like he’s in a position of authority (which he was/is as a group leader). The girl seems to be trying to shut down any goading comments. It’s quite grim to be honest and I think your husband knew what he was doing there even though the conversation wasn’t directly sexual. It was clear where he was hoping it would lead. I’m sorry OP he was/ is grooming her. I am glad you have had to courage to report it.

This girl is trying to brush off the in appropriate remarks as it makes her uncomfortable. She might value the relationship for other reasons so doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

What do I base this on? I have to do this a lot with a male associate

Ok thanks. Some good advice here. I've taken screenshots and emailed them to myself, then deleted the screenshots from my phone so they can't easily be found.

I've just come to a few realisations and now I feel so stupid.

First, we got together when I was 15 and he was in his 20s. Read into that what you will.

Second, I feel like there is perhaps some sort of 'institutionalised acceptance' of inappropriate relationships within the group he attends. I won't go into any more detail here, but I think that not all the leaders aren't necessarily aware of what is/isn't acceptable.

Third, and most hurtful for me at the moment, is that I was pregnant while he was away and started bleeding heavily. I phoned him continually in tears but he said he couldn't leave to come back any earlier because they wouldn't have the correct number of adults. I went to the scan alone and luckily found out that the baby was fine. A week later, we had a lovely family day out - the best day we'd had in a long time. Looking at the date of the messages, it was also the date he'd said he'd had a boring, lonely day. That hurts.

I lost the baby the following week.

I feel like such a fool but at least things have suddenly become clearer.

how under-confident she is and how he's taken her under his wing

This makes it more like grooming, not less.

Must have been horrible for you to read those poor you. Thank you for reporting it, it's the right thing to do.

And poor poor girl she is clearly torn between not wanting to offend someone who has taken an interest in her (that probably initially felt supportive and kind) and also being obviously uncomfortable with the tone, trying to shut it down and gloss over the inappropriate elements.

IMO this isn't a case of him needing safeguarding training, it's a case of him being a safeguarding risk who shouldn't be in a position of authority or responsibility with young people. And definitely shouldn't be privately communicating with them.

You poor thing. I hope you have some support around you. Sending you love.

Sorry OP cross posted with you. Fuck, you poor thing I'm so sorry you've been through that it's awful

You getting together when you were 15 to his 20 is the nail in the coffin for me, he has prior for finding girls of that age (sounds like you were even younger than this one) attractive and acting on it despite the legal and moral reasons this is not ok.

You poor thing I'm sending you best wishes. This doesn't sound salvageable relationship wise, you deserve so much better

Just re read it from a point of view that he's trying to build her confidence but all I can see is him testing boundaries the bit about the did you film it. If she then sent a video I bet he would of sent a pic of video back and then it be like I miss you let's have a pic. Those msgs don't even look like from the beginning of all contact. Did he delete some? At least he's been reported now. That's really good that you've done that even if you believe it's innocent.

Incredibly uncomfortable to read that. It reads a bit like she’s messaging him because she feels obliged to, and feels under pressure to keep in contact. She’s probably feeling a bit confused and vulnerable and your H is taking advantage of that. It’s grooming for sure- you can almost see the next steps he’s intending to take by laying the foundations with all of the ‘rules are made to be broken’ stuff he’s spouting.

I do think you need to go to the police however devastating that would be personally for you. He really isn’t the kind of person who should be allowed access to children.

Just read your last post. This must be life shattering can you go stay with a friend or family?

Just wanted to add well done for reporting this and taking it seriously, big hugs to you, this must be so hard. 💐

Oh OP - how awful

Can you leave?

Ooh no OP.

I'm sorry about your baby. I don't think there's any other way that contrarian can be construed, other than grooming.

Sorry, I'm sure it's a terrible shock.

Oh OP I am so sorry but yes I suspect he groomed you and now you are older he is moving onto a similarly aged target - lacking confidence is a huge red flag
Please seek some professional help to sort through your feelings

Oh dear op. . It doesn't look right does it?