He won't accept we're separated

[cece]

We split nearly three months ago after I found out about an inappropriate relationship with another woman. It's not the first time and I said if it happened again we'd split. So we have.

However, he's still messaging me daily to ask me to talk about saving our marriage. I've told him repeatedly I don't want to talk about this as it's over. I feel trapped. He's just not listening to me.

Thanks. The deadline to reply to my letter is Monday so I'll start divorce then.

I'm already separate food/cleaning/washing.

I have already claimed uc. It's very strange as it changes significantly every month. 🤔

And he wonders why you won't consider taking him back 🙄 what a selfish idiot!

UC wasn't a thing when I was going through my divorce so I can't comment on that.
The main thing is YOUR mental health in this - I had weekly sessions with a psychologist where I could just vocalise all the batshit behaviours I was dealing with - it kept me sane!
It is a living hell OP I completely understand.

@cece Financial abuse as well then! That is how my x kept me with him for as long as he managed to. I was terrified. But actually, cutting the ties formally does free you up in other ways.

Bon Courage :-/ Tough times ahead. I agree that if you can manage it / afford it, talking (venting) to a counsellor about his behavior every week might just give you the resilience you're going to need to get through it.

How are you @cece

Ok thanks.

He's gone to his mums for the weekend with dc so got a weekend of fun ahead of me 😄

Go through CMS.

Don't pay a penny of anything you're not already responsible for. Fuck the mortgage.

Tell him he's only making it worse for himself.

Phew! A weekend of peace.

Morning,

Last night I received a letter in reply to my request to attend mediation. There was a lot about how he doesn't want to split. Then he said , due to his poor mental health, he was not willing to enter mediation at this time.

I'm not sure what to do next. 🙈🙄

Can you find a solicitor who deals with emotional abuse and get an injunction? When I've looked for solicitors specialising in this their websites are reassuring of the steps you can take to protect yourself. Also mediation is not recommended if a partner is abusive, including emotional. Can you contact women's aid, cab too? You are not powerless in this situation. Keep going!

He has refused mediation so issue divorce papers.

KOKO

He’s refused so go for the divorce now.

Proceed with the divorce, he is refusing the mediation which is another controlling tactic abusers use.

Stay strong!

You're right. But I'm so used to be manipulated it's hard to be tough.

I still need to move forward with the divorce but I'm scared of his reaction.

If he is abusive or threatening with his reaction you can use it against him. Call the police if he is frightening explore the occupation or non-molestation the abuse is increased.

You're not required to HAVE mediation, you're required to attempt to have it. If he refuses to participate it just goes to try next step, court.

See his reaction as validation of your decision to divorce. Almost welcome it. I know you dont need that decision validated!
You are in the middle of the toughest part.

Thanks all. It IS tough at the moment but you're alright. I need to push forwards.

I've had this message today.

You ask me what I'm doing at Xmas I really don't know what to do. It just makes me feel so unhappy. Please let me show you how much I care.

So still don't know what's happening at Xmas

Tell him you would feel most cared for if he fucked off and stayed at his mothers, or whatever your preference is.

'Tell him you would feel most cared for if he fucked off and stayed at his mothers, or whatever your preference is.'

@RandomMess love it

Well, in his list of tactics you can file this under the heading of 'Pity Me'. Don't fall for it. Also stop asking him what he is doing for Christmas and make plans for what you and your DC are going to do. Without him. If he wants time with them over Christmas, he needs to get off his arse and plan it himself.

Dear soon to be exh
Your endless self pitying is extremely unflattering. What would make me think more of you is if you admitted your mistakes, apologised for cheating on me and help make our first separated Christmas a positive one for the children.
As such I need you to do x y z etc

Another message.

Please tell me what to do. I don't know what to do about Xmas. The best and only present I could wish for is to start to rebuild our relationship. I want to talk to you but struggle to start or hold things together and don't want to fall apart in front of the kids. I love you all so much

I want you to fuck off to your family for Christmas and give us some breathing space.