He won't accept we're separated

[cece]

We split nearly three months ago after I found out about an inappropriate relationship with another woman. It's not the first time and I said if it happened again we'd split. So we have.

However, he's still messaging me daily to ask me to talk about saving our marriage. I've told him repeatedly I don't want to talk about this as it's over. I feel trapped. He's just not listening to me.

He's already taken some of my camping stuff-sleeping bag and camping chairs. Apparently they are ours. He doesn't camp and has never come with us when we go.

Even more reason to bag up HIS stuff. And if possible move YOUR stuff to where he can't get at it.

My ex took half of my albums and I didn't realize it until he'd been gone a month. I never got them back. If I had to do it over again (it's been 40+ years) I would have taken so many things to my parents and/or piled them up in the bedroom and stood guard.

If you haven't, it's time to get the key back from him. Don't tell him ahead of time or he'll get one cut. Just next time he's there politely ask him for it. Then insist. If he refuses find out if you can legally change the locks. If you can't, it's time for bolts on the doors.

Lose your keys and have to change the lock

Apparently I can't change the locks. But I plan to lock the front door and leave the key in the lock and use the back door to get in and out.

I wonder if he took camping chairs and a sleeping bag so he can show friends his 'only furniture she let me have but I'm saving up for bedding'?

Cece but you locked yourself out, lost the keys...

You can change them if you lose your keys.

Does the back door have a separate key, one that he doesn't have? If not, I might be tempted to get that door re-keyed (oh damn! I broke my key in the lock so I had to get a new one). He'd technically still have access through the front door, too bad you forgot to take that key out of the lock when you left!

To me it's about 1-keeping him from just walking in on you and 2-keeping him out of the house when you are gone to stop the pilfering.

For 1 - Keeping the key in the lock will stop him entering. Or putting chain guards on the doors.

For 2 - If nothing else, put a bolt and padlock on your bedroom door and put your valuables/precious items/paperwork there and lock the padlock when you leave. Yes, it's unsightly but you can remove it and repair the door once he is no longer permitted entry.

I've seen temporary locks, but most of them seem to be to keep someone out of a room when you are in it, like for hotels rooms and such.

TBH the taking the stuff was most probably to spiteful.

Do you know what? It's just stuff. I keep telling myself it's worth it to get him out.

And you're right, it is 'just stuff'. You can always get more. You just don't want him taking off with something you treasure just to spite you.

When we first separated, my xh used to just let himself into the house and sit in the sofa with a self satisfied smirk on his face. He didn't care that it caused an awful atmosphere that upset the dcs. I would offer to have him over by arrangement so he could see the dcs and I would go out but he didn't want to do that because he wanted to cause as much upset to me as possible - the dcs were just collateral damage.
When he eventually found a flat, I bagged up everything of his and moved it over with him that day. His face when he realised that I had packed it all up! He said that he had been planning on doing it gradually - obviously as an excuse to keep turning up unannounced. Twat!

I think using a back door is an excellent idea. Do you have a garage or a shed where you could leave all his things for him to collect?

I would take pleasure in the fact he probably has sorted a sofa out so is using the camping chairs in his front room like a 20 somethings whose moved out for the first time.

I hope you’ve been able to find a solicitor, I would take 3 or 4 appointments id you can,

So he's taken the dc to look at his flat this evening. It doesn't look like he's moved much today so I took the opportunity to load his boot up with his coats and shoes.

He's kindly told me that all of the clothes he's left in the bedroom can be taken to the charity shop 🙄

I asked him if he'd be finished soon. He was very vague and was talking about Sunday. He went off muttering it was half his house when I expressed surprise he was expecting to still be moving stuff on Sunday.

Well he needs to take stuff to the charity shop 🙄

Definitely bag his things up & leave them in the hall/garage/ front door step so when he comes back you can help him into the car with his shit stuff. INCLUDING the charity shop shit

I'm hoping to pack more stuff up to leave for him

Good on you @cece

Why on earth should you be packing up his stuff, whether it's for him to keep or for the charity shop. You're not his employee. Let him do it himself, the cheeky fucker.

When my ex tried this I found all of his stuff, put it all in the middle of the living room and told him to come and get it by ?? date, or it was going to be skipped
I had my dad with me when he came round and he kept saying I don't have room in my car for all this, I don't know where I'll put it etc
So my dad started putting it in his own car/boot and said tell me what you want to keep or it goes now
I was only 24 so was grateful to have someone help
Our settlement was I bought him out and he could take named stuff - one of which was a Hubble bubble pipe! Shows his priorities!

Because @CallmeAngelina the OP’s ex would probably just take one tiny thing a day to mess with the OP’s mind.
He’s a shit who needs to gets his stuff out yesterday, not three months from now.
If OP doesn’t do it, no one will.

I'd bag that charity shit up and take it to the shop otherwise he'll just leave it and keep saying "I'll do that later" and use it as an excuse to come round. It'd be worth it to me to get it the hell out of the house. I just might mistakenly take a few extra items of his as well.

And I'd also be packing his shit up for him. Again, it's worth it to get it (and him) gone.

And I would NOT let him use your home to see the DC. Let him take them out or to his flat. Letting him use the house will create the feeling in him that he's entitled to be there. I know that legally he probably is, but you don't need to make things easy for him.

He's kindly told me that all of the clothes he's left in the bedroom can be taken to the charity shop

Don't do that

You'll never hear the last of it.

Id actually be careful what you bag up and charity shop unless you have it in a text or 'proof' he said give it away - dont want him claiming later you gave all his stuff away poor him act.

Also, hugs & support to you OP

I'm in exactly the same position as you. I'm so pleased he's going. Your thread has given me some hope. All of what your ex has done mine is doing to me. Staying strong is so hard because he makes me feel guilty , the whole mental health crap, the I love you, I want to be here with you and the kids,. I could fucking scream!