He won't accept we're separated

[cece]

We split nearly three months ago after I found out about an inappropriate relationship with another woman. It's not the first time and I said if it happened again we'd split. So we have.

However, he's still messaging me daily to ask me to talk about saving our marriage. I've told him repeatedly I don't want to talk about this as it's over. I feel trapped. He's just not listening to me.

He's been to a solicitor and he's told me what they told him to tell me.

Paying less money to me on monthly basis

Sell house and I have to buy cheapest 3 bedroom possible

I have to work full time to maximise salary

Oh and he's moving out at end of month

Presumably that is similar to what you were expecting but that is the best settlement he can hope for??

Yes it is. Of course my solicitor has given me a slightly different set of figures

I doubt STXH was honest about how much he has squirrelled away or your youngest additional needs 🙄

He sounds pathetic ...

Tell him to put it in writing as a formal proposal.

Then take it to your solicitor.

So who looks after your SEN child when you are working FT?

Just because his solicitor has apparently said this, doesn't mean it is the fairest way to go about things.

Make sure you get your own independent advice.

I would get that all in writing and forward to your solicitor for an opinion.

He’s had an affair and his attitude to finance says a lot about how he approaches marriage. As the one with access to the family money, he has lot of power and you are, by comparison, vulnerable. If he wants to get back together but does not express any wish to address the power imbalance, he indicates that nothing much will change. He just wants to regain control.

I expect it will get worse before it gets better, but it will be worth it in the end. The solicitor might suggest mediation to sort out things to do with kids and property — he might listen to the solicitor.

Best of luck. Strength to you xxx

I did say if I was to go back to work full time then we'd need to sort the children so that it was 50:50.

I currently work 4 day weeks. 2 days doing my profession and 2 days in a school hours job.

Just remember if it's 50:50 with overnights you won't qualify for CMS

It's likely you could be awarded a few years of spousal support or private maintenance agreement due to DC SEN? You definitely need a SHL as he's been financially abusive and he will not share the marital assets unless forced

I definitely need a shl.

I'd be very surprised if he wants 50:50 childcare

Hi I have not commented before but have been following this thread and feeling for you! I have to say the advice he says he got from a solicitor doesn't seem to ring true to me. As far as I know any separation agreement could determine how money is split, maintenance paid etc and who has the kids, when. But I really don't think he or his lawyer would have any say in the hours you work! And I can't imagine a separation agreement requiring that you work full time. I would definitely ask for this to come from his lawyer to yours rather than via him. Are you sure he even saw a lawyer?

Sounds like he is bluffing.

I'm pretty sure he can't just stop paying child maintenance. If he continues with his plan I'm going to claim via cms.

In the meantime he's bombarding me with messages to stop the divorce and get back together 🙄

I wouldn't engage and just press on..

What's the next step if you doesn't respond?

I actually think the solicitor told him you'd end up with more than 50% and didn't disclose about the SEN...

Is he self employed or in a salaried job?

Salaried

That's good so cms is an option. Might be worth pointing out to him that if he does not come to an agreement about maintenance, you can get it taken direct from his salary and it will then cost him 20% more.

I agree he didnt disclose the SEN issue and asked how to avoid paying the most - which would be 50-50

he wont want 50-50

He definitely won't want the dc 50:50

This weekend is his weekend with them and he hasn't bought food for them. Friday he had to use some of my food. Yesterday he bought them a takeaway.

As l posted previously, our Court Order has that XH has to pay maintenance for ds1 until ds1 is independent.... which considering his SEN, is unlikely

What a narcissist! All his problems are someone else’s fault I’ll bet... !

People cheat because they want to cheat. Not because of mental health issues. Plenty of people with MH dont cheat or do bad things to other people. It is just an excuse. Get advice from your solicitor.

Just wanted to say I’ve read your posts from beginning and I think you’re doing amazingly considering what he’s put you through. Please spend some time doing things you enjoy and looking after yourself, you deserve it.

They wouldn’t have told him you have to buy the cheapest 3 bed possible, that’s his words. Once you’ve split assets it’s up to you to decide what you can afford, he gets no say going forward. Likewise he gets no say over how much you work. He’s still trying to control you, I think he’s saying all that to try and put you off divorcing him, he’s trying to paint the worst picture possible. He’s not mentioned SEN.

Reply that his solicitor needs to contact yours directly, in writing and you’ll go from there. All further discussions can go via solicitors, you will not be engaging in conversation via WhatsApp etc. with him. He only needs to contact you directly regarding contact with youngest dc, he can arrange contact with 18 year old himself, you don’t need to be a go between.

Keep a note of the fact he had no food ready for them. Don’t reply to his moaning / poor me messages, he’s made his bed now he has to lie in it. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. He needs to own it.

Thanks for all of your support. It is helping.