He won't accept we're separated

[cece]

We split nearly three months ago after I found out about an inappropriate relationship with another woman. It's not the first time and I said if it happened again we'd split. So we have.

However, he's still messaging me daily to ask me to talk about saving our marriage. I've told him repeatedly I don't want to talk about this as it's over. I feel trapped. He's just not listening to me.

I have a locked filing cabinet for my documents

Lock the linen & towels away if possible, imagine what he will need.
Not alot you can do re furniture,
Unless you can lock a room ?

I wonder if he thinks moving out will shock/hurt you get you to beg him to come back

I do worry he'll try empty the house. Lock on your bedroom door could be worth it and I hope he leaves the DC stuff behind.

Have you a lockable shed that you can get hold of all the keys for? You can take his stuff out to make more room

I suspect he will do zero parenting once he moves out do literally nothing that could inadvertently assist you and the DC.

As your eldest is 18 and only works part time it is not unreasonable that they babysit as a contribution to the household perhaps a chat about how often and when etc so you can plan when you can leave the house on your own.

I've dropped a load of stuff at my friends house this morning.

Currently taking things out to car every now and again so I can take some more this afternoon

At current rate He might lift the filing cabinet as a whole if he thinks there is stuff he needs/wants. I would not fault him there.

He might also be pissed off that you empty the house without communicating and allowing him to state what he might need.

He clearly has behaved like an arse, but if he has come now finally round to acting adult, best grip this with two hands and encourage him to stay behaving like an adult instead of pushing him back into the child corner.

In short, I hink it would be good to engage and ensure that the next steps are more constructive. Speak with him open about his move, sit down with him and divide what you have in the house in an as amicable way as you can. Done successfully this will both of you set up to being more successful at the next stages

Wise words

Take all your favourite stuff - things that are sentimental as well as the most critical stuff out of the filing cabinet - he can lift the thing as long as it hasn't got anything useful inside.

Also take yours and the kid's clothes out of your house - have you any friends/places that would be prepared to bagsit until he's gone?

Please also take pictures to document as much as possible and help to identify missing items should he take more than is fair.

There is likely a significant overlap between what both of you think he or you might need or want. It is unlikely that this overlap will shrink in the face of hostility, but it might diminish during calm conversation.

He's welcome to most of the stuff on his list tbh. It's just the sentimental stuff really. Everything else can be replaced.

I'm happy for him to take DVD player, dvds, CD player and cds plus Freeview box and tv. If he takes kettle and toaster i can always replace!!

its not just the inconvenience of replacing, its the cost.
There have been some threads with OPs who bulk bought stuff before the DH finally left, to stock up, as afterwards they would have nothing (nappies, loo paper, cleaning materials )
remember that once he's gone he will begrudge every single thing he has to pay

I remember when my BFF left and I mentioned how much she was leaving behind (including the house) she said "It's just bricks and sticks and stuff, I can get more". She was right. Remove the sentimental items, 'unreplaceables' and important papers out of his reach. If you can easily replace something, consider it 'the price to pay for peace'.

But I can see Lurking's point about getting it all out in the open. A good thing as long as it can be done peaceably and without a 'scene'.

I hope everything's ok?

The divorce papers arrived today.

He's not happy. Apparently I should have waited till he's better and he's asked me to stop it. I've got home and he's just sobbing. Now he's gone out in his car somewhere.

He says he's shocked and surprised that I've done this

shocked and surprised he tells you. . .

Well if he'd sat his arse down and pulled his head out of the sand, possibly he wouldn't be so 'shocked and surprised'.

It's not as if you haven't been telling him loud and sodding clear - he just really didn't want to hear it. Not your problem.

You've been telling him long enough, he hasn't moved out then?

He's a bit delusional really, turn every statement back to him.

"I wish you'd waiting to have an affair until your mental health could deal with the repercussions"

No he hasn't moved out 🙁

Although I'm pretty sure he's rented a flat to move into.

Where are your kids while all this is happening? They must know what is going on? How do they feel.
Sorry OP sounds such a stressful situation.

I think it's because for once he's not in control. He has rented a flat etc so he does know but I suspect he wanted to control initiating the divorce, timing moving out etc.

KOKO

He's trying to lay on a guilt trip, probably wants time to hide his money...

Yes he keeps saying it's too soon to get legal.