Update 3. I’ve sent the text

[Coronade]

Hi all
Well it’s been a hard week. He was out with her all day Thursday but I was set on my plan to text him tonight when he was supposed to be away with her.
Found some nice dick pics he’d sent her and some of her in lingerie (he deleted them but forgot about the recently deleted file - thanks iPhone).
So I’ve take some of his stuff round to our new doer upper house with his quilt, pillow, camp bed and toiletries. I text him my message at 3.15pm basically saying I know about the affair ( I included her full nam) , that I don’t want him in our home again and that his stuff is round the other house. Also said I wanted to keep things as civil as possible for the children and that i didn’t want to see him again but hoped he would maintain a good relationship with them. No names, no swearing. It was very to the point. He read the message at 3.32 and was straight on WhatsApp (to her I assume).
No phone all begging for forgiveness (not that I want it) no response at all.
He is out today due back soon so I’m sitting in my friends drive with the dog waiting for her to get home. Telling DD when I collect her from work in a bit and DS will have to wait till tomorrow as he’s out drinking with his friends. So I’ve done it. It was so bloody hard to press the send key but I just kept visualising the pic he sent her if his hairy balls 🤮 really!!!!
Will keep you posted. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I’m dreading telling his mum too - I know he won’t - she will be devastated.

You are wonderfully brave to have stayed so calm through out this horrendous process. I truly hope the house sale goes through quickly as I wouldn't trust that he will continue to be apologetic and could quite easily turn on you. Just be careful and best of luck - you are amazing!

He won't remain remorseful & docile for long.
Be ready for venom

Well done OP. You've handled this amazingly well. Stay strong x

Tell her husband, do not let them get away with it

OP you're amazing

He needs to move out ASAP.

He has massively breached the family’s trust and his presence will create further toxicity. You feel dead inside, but the children don’t and at some point your emotions will surface. He will attempt to manipulate everyone, and his presence will impede the grieving and healing process.

You mentioned that he may now regulate his anger and negative behavior for fear of alienating the children. From their recent comments, it sounds like he has already alienated them. They have witnessed his cruelty for years.

Tell her husband, do not let them get away with it

I disagree. For two reasons:

1. To an onlooker, it looks vindictive.
2. It's actually far more vindictive not to tell him- if the OW won't leave her husband that leaves OP's cheating husband all alone and stewing in a mess of his own creation. He probably would like OP to drop the OW in it as then she'd be free to be with him.

I don't think anyone reasonable would expect you to share a home with this man but he isn't reasonable!

As for telling her husband it isnt about payback or not letting them get away, it's about giving her husband the same choices about his own life as OP now has. To be in the dark is to be without informed consent about all sorts of life decisions.

I would tell OW’s husband. You are benefiting from your newfound knowledge and clarity, and he also deserves to be informed.

If he had discovered the affair first, wouldn’t you have wanted him to bring you out of the darkness?

Her dh absolutely deserves the right to make a decision about his own marriage. He also deserves the right to know that his dw may well have been exposing him to sti's.

Another one who thinks her husband should know. OP, imagine bring one the wiser, still stuck in that awful relationship with you stbxh.... he could have a whole new life.

*imagine being none the wiser

To be in the dark is to be without informed consent about all sorts of life decisions.

Ordinarily I'd agree, but that's not OP's responsibility and she's got enough on her plate without the added pressure. She's said she isn't going to say anything and has very good reasons for that. I think we should respect her decision.

Op doesn't need to tell ow husband. Her own XH is going to do that for her. Garunteed. If not directly than he will pressure ow till she will feel she has no choice. From what op has said XH hardly know how to tie his own shoe laces. Once he sees her steely determination to end things, he is going to need ow to step in. No question. Imagine what kind of relationship those two will have after that. Lol. That's going to be some beautiful karma. I nearly feel sorry for her.. Nearly

In regards to the husband I think OP needs to really think about it. I cant say wether she should or not. But urge her to put herself in his shoes. She can only do what feels right to her. However, this

It's actually far more vindictive not to tell him- if the OW won't leave her husband that leaves OP's cheating husband all alone and stewing in a mess of his own creation.

It's quite awful. Keeping this man in the dark, probably thinking he is losing his mind isnt ok. Using him to hurt her own knobhead of a husband, really isnt ok.

I am sure OP will come to a decision that she feels is right. But the intention behind not telling him, shouldn't be vindictive. This man has done no wrong

I've followed your awful ordeal and I just want to say, as many others have, you are amazing 🥰 You've been so brave, dignified, have considered and prioritized your children every step of the way, have been so strong and pragmatic and gathered what you've needed before making any rash moves... honestly, I'm a bit in awe and I have no doubt in my mind you're gonna go on to live such a wonderful next phase of your life xxx 🙌🏻

I think OW's husband has a right to know, but OP doesn't need to tell him immediately. Far better to let OW dump OP's H then sweat a bit first...

Well done you 💐

Inspirational to all in similar circumstances. Well done and keep your strength for the days ahead.

this is such a positive and inspirational thread OP.. you give hope to others just by sharing your strength and experience ..

I feel I would let the OW's DH know about it all just with regards to his sexual health, he deserves to know. I would want to know if that was me.
The OW could have been doing this for a long time with other 'partners'.

You could advise OW. That she has untill x date to tell her H. Or you will.
Even if it's a bluff

He wants to stay because he thinks that you will change your mind. You need to give him a deadline to leave by. It's over, so it needs to start working towards this. Give him a date and TELL him he needs to start making arrangements. Tell him you are still thinking about whether to tell her DH or not and if he doesn't leave, you will.

Your DC are not bothered because he is an arsehole. Once he's left I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how blissful it is you the 3 of you.

Poor man moping around feeling sorry for himself. Even when caught out trying to treat you like an ass by suggesting you have got it all wrong. He can no longer treat you like the whipping boy. His life has changed and it’s no longer him in control, his OW is probably freaking out and your DH isn’t going to like the new you. His only concern is for himself at the moment. Stay strong OP

In all honesty I would stay out of the OW's business.
She will be bricking it that someone is going to tell her DH - let her.
Your STBXH will be hoping that she will leave her DH for him - hopefully she won't and he'll be left high and dry and on his own.

I feel sorry for the OW's husband, but while he has a right to know, I don't agree that you should be the one to tell him.

Keep going with ignoring the whining and need to talk - what on earth is he going to say that you want to hear? Nothing - he can't make any of this right, so don't give him the satisfaction of listening to his excuses.

You're brilliant by the way