Update 3. I’ve sent the text

[Coronade]

Hi all
Well it’s been a hard week. He was out with her all day Thursday but I was set on my plan to text him tonight when he was supposed to be away with her.
Found some nice dick pics he’d sent her and some of her in lingerie (he deleted them but forgot about the recently deleted file - thanks iPhone).
So I’ve take some of his stuff round to our new doer upper house with his quilt, pillow, camp bed and toiletries. I text him my message at 3.15pm basically saying I know about the affair ( I included her full nam) , that I don’t want him in our home again and that his stuff is round the other house. Also said I wanted to keep things as civil as possible for the children and that i didn’t want to see him again but hoped he would maintain a good relationship with them. No names, no swearing. It was very to the point. He read the message at 3.32 and was straight on WhatsApp (to her I assume).
No phone all begging for forgiveness (not that I want it) no response at all.
He is out today due back soon so I’m sitting in my friends drive with the dog waiting for her to get home. Telling DD when I collect her from work in a bit and DS will have to wait till tomorrow as he’s out drinking with his friends. So I’ve done it. It was so bloody hard to press the send key but I just kept visualising the pic he sent her if his hairy balls 🤮 really!!!!
Will keep you posted. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I’m dreading telling his mum too - I know he won’t - she will be devastated.

Sorry I haven’t been back sooner it’s been a strange night. But is it wrong for me to say I feel a little euphoric!!
Not sure where to start, it’s going to be long and I apologise if it gets a bit confusing- the whole night has been totally different to how I expected.
He did phone me at 5.15 ( he’d spoken to OW for 25 Mins on his WhatsApp prior to this - I just checked).
He started off by trying to make out it wasn’t what it seemed so I just said don’t keep a list of dates in your diary then or put “buy flower” in it. Also mentioned WhatsApp messages I’d seen and the daily 30 min phone calls ( still didn’t mention the hairy ball pic that’s my Ace card).

He then said sorry, kept asking me to come home and said he wasn’t moving out 😩. I told him a few home truths about using the C*. word, his aggression etc and he repeatedly apologised. To be honest I just wanted him off the phone. Too little too late springs to mind ( I might start playing that song indoors 😉). Went to get DD, I was all emotion she seemed very unphased. Said he was horrible and aggressive and she doesn’t like him much ( that made me so sad as I loved my dad to bits). She validated how his behaviour towards me and all the family was unexceptable. I told her about the affair and said I wasn’t bothered about that it was how he treated me. I stressed that I was wrong to put up with it and she should never accept that behaviour in any of her relationships ( she is such a tough cookie). I’ve told him he needs to apologise to her too.
As a side note the OW is still married and living with the husband. I told him to tell her I won’t be destroying her family as she has done that herself and if she is unhappy he deserves to know and she should leave him so he can have the chance to find someone who loves him. Whether or not she does is up to her conscience.
So get home with DD and he’s there. Looks totally broken been crying (I’ve cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions so my pity level was zero). He kept apologising over and over for his behaviour, said he will go for councilling (abandoned by dad as a baby) said he will be different from now on blah blah de blah!!,,
God I must sound like such a heartless bitch but I really don’t care. I think I finally got it through to him that this is it and there will never be an us again. I don’t hate him, he looked a bit pathetic to be honest, I feel so much stronger and in control.

He wants to stay in the house ( in spare room) if possible which isn’t ideal but if he stays like he was tonight I can manage that and I think it will help DS ( haven’t told him yet as came home worse for ware at 11).
I told him I’m happy for him to see the OW if she makes him happy ( life will be easier if he goes off with her). I know it’s early days and he could totally change his mind in a few weeks time, but all’s ok.
For the first time in a long time I feel in control and positive. I am still sad and a bit angry but I really think it’s going to be ok. Can’t wait to have my own little house with the kids and the dog ( will have enough to buy it outright with my half of the assists).
Also want to say a big thank you for all your kind comments, great advice and words of encouragement. Even though I’ve never met you, you’ve helped me more than you will ever know. I will keep you all posted. Xx

Meant to add we accepted an offer on the house this week so hopefully it will go through quickly ( only 2 houses in the chain). Then I plan to move in to doer upper for a few months. I want to find the right house for us and don’t want to panic buy. There will be no room for him there as it’s only 2 beds. I’m hoping more stuff will come onto the market after Christmas. DD wants to stay local which I had planned to anyway. Slightly worried I did over share with her ( I did not mention any photos) but she is my best friend and I’ve felt awful lying to her. She was so strong and grown up when I told her.

You are so amazing and strong and sounds like you have the most beautiful relationship with your daughter

I’ve been reading your threads as you’ve posted them and have been thinking of you. You’ve done so brilliantly, well done!

Well done op

Really hope you get your happy ending

You are doing fab, make sure you keep looking afte4 you x

Congratulations OP..

I've read your threads from the start, well done, congratulations and I hope that this is the beginning of a new phase in you and your children's lives.
Very best wishes to you from now on

I've been following your threads from the beginning and I'm amazed by how well you have handled this and kept your emotions in check

Very devoid of emotion...how do you do it with such a saga?

Just your ds to go. Hope that goes well.

Fabulous news. Well done. Could he go ANYWHERE other than spare room? It's not ideal is it?

Well done. I'm so sorry you are in this position.

Please do consider telling her husband too Op. After all, you now have this knowledge enabling you to take control back of your life of lies. Ow husband deserves that too.

After his self pitying sobfest, he will soon be back to his abusive ways and it is vital that you stay in control, OP.

The pic of his hairy balls is not your only ace as you can always threaten to change your mind about telling her husband what the pair of the them have been up to.

At the first sign of any nastiness on his part, I would suggest you get him into your new doer upper using whatever persuasion it takes to make him sleep on that camp bed.

I would also suggest you make it crystal clear to him that he is not going to be part of your Christmas festivities this year, or any other, and you expect him to take himself off to the other woman or whoever will have him from Dec 23 to Jan 2 so you and your dc can thoroughly enjoy yourselves without the ghost of Christmas pasts haunting you.

You have the mumsnet army cheering you on, but it seems that your best champion is your wonderful dd whose maturity belies her age. What a star she is, and what a credit to you that you have such a good relationship with her.

Don't worry about oversharing with your DD. You know her best, and you just told her the facts, so I'm sure she'll be ok. It also sounds like she's pleased that you've left him anyway (although I understand your sadness that she hasn't had the same relationship with her father, that you had with yours).

Oh well, some dick pics,and her lingerie. what romantic people you are dealing with here. You have seen the light,and they can go to a cave somewhere, and you can be happy again eventually. I wish you well from now on.

You've done brilliantly but please don't fall into the best friend/daughter trap. She will be strong for you because she loves you and you are the wronged party. However you're still her mum and that boundary is important. Be honest but don't over share

Well done Coronade - it needed to be done and you've started the ball rolling now.

Keep grey-rocking if he does turn nasty, and in face keep doing it in the face of his feeling sorry for himself, and any charm offensives too.

I think you've done well to emotionally distance yourself from the wreck of your marriage - you're less likely to get sucked back in by any of his manoeuvres - but I hope he keeps it civil while he's still there. Hopefully you can find a new place to move to, and your house sale goes through quickly.

Hugs op. You are amazing xx

Well done, OP. You’ve remained level headed and calm. Could he not go somewhere else, though? I worry he’ll find his anger soon and inevitably start being horrible to you again. If he does, kick him to that camp bed fast- threatening to tell the OW’s husband if he doesn’t go. You hold all the ace cards now.

I would also suggest you make it crystal clear to him that he is not going to be part of your Christmas festivities this year, or any other, and you expect him to take himself off to the other woman or whoever will have him from Dec 23 to Jan 2 so you and your dc can thoroughly enjoy yourselves without the ghost of Christmas pasts haunting you

^ agreed. Otherwise, he’ll be moping around like a sad, abandoned puppy dog. Christmas will be spoiled for the rest of you.

So he's been in constant communication with OW and turns up broken at your home. Sounds like OW has made it clear she isn't leaving her marriage for him. Bless.

OP please think about telling the husband
Not out to be vindictive.

But if he was the one finding out, would you want him to tell you. He probably has his suspicions, hee convincing him he is wrong.

Personally, I think this side of an affair is emotional abuse. Its gaslighting, trying to convince your partner they are losing the plot, when you are doing exactly what they are accusing you of.

I think at those point I'd consider telling him, as perhaps he's more likely to be out of your hair if they are together rather than moping around you.

I absolutely agree with PP regards Christmas but please try to get him to leave next week. It's untenable to have him in the spare room (sorry to repeat myself but I'm horrified on your behalf)

The ace up your sleeve is the fact he’s physically assaulted you before when he threw the cup. You can contact the police about that at any time and he should be removed from the house if you ever need him to be.