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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I thought I had severed ties with my mother..........

145 replies

Titania · 27/09/2004 12:55

but a card has just come through the post for my dds birthday with £10 in it...........now dd is asking why she doesn't see nanny anymore.......I am feeling so bad as I don't know what to say to her........oh why did she have to do this to me.........I don't know what to think now or what I should do........

OP posts:
MTS · 27/09/2004 13:01

first of all - don't do anything. if dd is only asking about nanny because she has been prompted by the card, i wouldn't let that sway you too much.

second of all - what would it require for you to feel comfortable with dd having a relationship with your mum? sending a birthday card and a £10 note isn't an enormous gesture. i think there are a lot of issues of trust here, and a birthday card and a bit of cash barely scratches the surface.

JoolsToo · 27/09/2004 13:13

Titania - don't know your history but I truly believe you should not deny your dd a relationship with your mother. I actually think its an ENORMOUS gesture and she must have thought long and hard before sending the card - the money is irrelevant, money and present don't buy love.

Obviously you've fallen out over something horrid but its clear from your post that the issue is still not resolved to either yours or your mother's satisfaction.

It would be nice if you could find someway for your mother to see her grand-daughter and maybe with a bit of luck your own problems will be resolved too and that would be great - life's too short.

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 13:18

JoolsToo....she used to beat the life out of me....amongst other things....

OP posts:
marialuisa · 27/09/2004 13:21

ok, going to completely disagree with JoolsToo. DH has no contact with his mum and she still sends DD a crd and present at b'day. for us, there is no way that woman will ever be a part of DD's life whilst she is young. If when she's older she questions this we will explain to DD exactly why we don't have contact and leave her to decide for herself. it is probably easier for us as MIL was never involved IYKWIM and my own family in unconventional so she's not really aware of the standard "granny & grandad" relationships.

Until your DD is older (i would say teens)her relationship with her grandparents etc. is necessarily mediated by you. If the problems between you and your mum are this bad then bringing kids into it won't help.

obviously I don't know why you don't see your mum and how happy you are with that decision. But if you don't want contact don't be pressured into it through the kids.

MeanBean · 27/09/2004 13:27

Titania, have you decided absolutely irrevocably that you don't want anything to do with your mother? Because it doesn't sound as if you have. Forgive me if you've already posted elsewhere on this, but it's not clear from this thread if you have sorted out your own feelings about how to deal with your mother. I think that is an absolute necessity in helping you deal with this.

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 13:30

i thought i had.....and was much happier...til this anyway....am just trying to find my original post about all whats happened to save me going through it all again

OP posts:
Blu · 27/09/2004 13:31

Titania - oh my goodness, I can see that that would come as quite a shock.

You don't have to do or think anything at all, especially straight away. you certainly don't have to feel ressured into anything, not by your Mother's actions or other people's opinions.

You sound quite shaky. why not take a dep breath, try and run the day exactly as you planned, and then find some time to see how you feel later on tonight or tomorrow?

Take care.

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 13:42

i text her saying thanks for the card...........

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 27/09/2004 13:42

Titania - oh! am so shocked but it sounds like you have given her a chance in the past to get to know your dd and to get your relationship back on track?

If she has abused those chances I would write a letter back saying thank you for the card and gift but too much has happended between you that cannot be resolved (if thats how you feel) and please stop sending cards as next time they won't be opened.

On the other hand if she hasn't been violent with your daughter maybe she's trying to make amends through her - G*d its a difficult one - if it was me, I probably wouldn't be as generous in thought as I'm asking you to be!

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 13:57

yes JoolsToo......i have.......but too many things have happened and been said to forgive........

OP posts:
Twinkie · 27/09/2004 13:59

Joolstoo - I agree with you on most things but this I don't at all.

Titania - keep DD away from her the stress of seeing her yourself is not going to do DD any good. I would not let DD have anything to do with the bitch that insists on calling herself my mother - although I have told DD my mother is dead because my real mother is and Stepmonsetr is thankfully not related to me through blood but X2b regularly drags her round there and then it is a nightmare to try and explain to DD why I don;t have anything to do with them.

I also have asister that I don;t see as she throws hissy fits about everything and thinks she can walk in and out of DDs life - well I have out a stop to it and am now pretty much without any family but with that comes freedom and release from all of the shit they put on you.

I'd ignore it - you haven't resolved what happened and I don't think you will without going to counselling together and whatever she says was the reason she beat you will never be good enough cause you would not do it to DD!!

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 14:05

she has text me back saying that she still loves me regardless of how things have been between us........... oh im so mixed up now

OP posts:
lou33 · 27/09/2004 14:06

I wouldn't let her get involved again either. We have cut my mil out of our lives for many reasons, but she has from time to time tried to contact the kids, then rattled off nasty emails about us when we have told her to leave it. Sometimes being family isn't a good enough reason to keep giving second, third, fourth chances to.

Blu · 27/09/2004 14:08

Titania - honey, you really don't have to respond, you don't have to jump just because she clapped her hands. Take you time, let it sink in. She might be genuine, she might be manipulating you through your DD.

Twinkie · 27/09/2004 14:08

Titania

You have to find it in your heart to either sit down and speak to her about this and get her to admit what she did and that it was wrong and she is sorry or you will never be able to forgive her and let her be part of your life - my 'parents' have rewritten history and to them we have always been the perfcet family - that is more than anything what gets to me (well as well as the stuff they did lately!!) that they cannot accept they did some hideous things and apologise.

Would she be nice and normal now if you had a relationship with her (after her apologising and accepting what she did?) or would it still be fraught with anxiety??

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 14:19

i really dont know twinkie........dh wouldnt be happy thats for sure.....they hate each other....

OP posts:
agy · 27/09/2004 14:36

I know its easy to say, but could you try really hard to forgive and let her back in, just a little bit to start with. So long as you keep the visits happy and be there yourself, would there be any harm?

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 14:41

im too scared agy......scared for my childrens safety and for my sanity.......she has done too much in the past, that cant be forgiven.....but yet there is still this 'thing' nagging at me.....

OP posts:
MeanBean · 27/09/2004 14:42

I don't want to be negative, but I don't think there can be reconciliation and forgiveness without acknowledgement of wrong. If your mother doesn't acknowledge that what she did was wrong, then I don't think you'll be able to forgive her.

Original poster
Titania · 27/09/2004 14:44

she doesnt meanbean.....i sent her an email ages ago saying that i couldnt forgive her for what she has done to me....she sent one back denying that she had done anything wrong.....

OP posts:
Twinkie · 27/09/2004 14:50

You need to go to counselling, a psychotherapist and talk it through and get some sort of 'closure' (sorry I hate that word!!) - I did and feel far better now.

MeanBean · 27/09/2004 14:57

I agree with Twinkie. You can't let your mother have so much power over you that she wrecks your day when you receive something in the post from her. If you have decided that you don't want to see her again, you want to be at a stage when a card arriving would not worry you at all.

smellymelly · 27/09/2004 14:58

I'm in exactly the same boat - My mumther has fallen out with me, her choice, for no real reason except she is too selfish to have anyone in her life who may stand up to her now and again. I have bowed down to her far to often.

I get a bitchy letter from her every coouple of months, and yes last week she sent money for dd's b'day, even though I asked her not to. I am not spending it, I have already sent back the wedding gift she sent us, but still she persists. Even though it is her that has chosen not to see me or my kids!

Aggghhh! What can we do??

Twinkie · 27/09/2004 15:28

Honey send the card back with no note or anything - it will drive her bonkers - either that or just don't do anything ignore it completely.

My stepmonster offered an olive branch (well what she would see as one, I would take her hanging herself as an appropriate one!!) a few weeks ago and I have ignored it completely - I know this will drive her crazy and she will try harder and I will ignore her more - can't wait for her to turn up on doorstep - was scared first of all but am actually relishing the idea of telling her a few home truths!!

You have to make the decision and tell her once and for all what that is .

Good Luck. XXX

JoolsToo · 27/09/2004 15:57

I agree with meanbeam that she should acknowledge the damage she has caused. If you're going to get back on track its a must BUT if there is the slightest risk to your dd I would say don't get in contact again.

As I said before you can't KEEP giving chances if you've tried, then you've done your best and you've nothing to feel guilty about.

I feel for you cos it sounds that you'd really love to have a 'normal' mother and daughter relationship and its be stolen from you by the very person who should be giving it.

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