I thought I had severed ties with my mother..........

[Titania]

but a card has just come through the post for my dds birthday with £10 in it...........now dd is asking why she doesn't see nanny anymore.......I am feeling so bad as I don't know what to say to her........oh why did she have to do this to me.........I don't know what to think now or what I should do........

I've had many years now of not talking with my mother(she put me through hell)my Dd is now 4 and my mother has only seen her 2 times.once at 2 weeks old and again at 6 months old .I've also lost my brother and sister because of her(both older than me)Fortunately she lives abroad now and never makes contact,she found out a year ago i had given birth to my Ds and phoned when he was 3 days old and i said NO I DONT WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU.I would follow your heart(like i do)and live your life how you want to .My life has never been happier without them all and i have the best in-laws in the world!!!!! contact me if you need any further advice maybe we can chat (our lives sound similiar)

Titania, I have been through something very similar, I posted as Upset.

I was stuck in the position of not knowing whether to carry on attempting to have some sort of relationship with my mother or just give up. In the end I did give up, I needed to be able to protect my little girl as well as protect myself.

My mother died about 18 months ago. To the end we did not repair our relationship. When she died I couldn't even mourn her really - I had mourned the loss of a real mother for so long that I had got used to the fact that she was out of my life. I don't regret what I did, what I do regret is the years I spent wondering what I had done wrong as a child to make my mother the way she was. It is only recently that I have realised that it wasn't my fault. My mother had huge mental health issues and was an alcoholic, which she refused to acknowledge and made the rest of her family as much a victim of these illnesses as she was. But I know that my protecting my daughter from her was the best thing I could do.

I wish you luck - not sure what your position with your mother is but thought this might help. I got a lot of really useful advice from Mumsnetters when I posted, and I am sure you will too.

Can't add anything more Titania, just want you to know I'm thinking about you hun xx

I told DH last night about it all.....he hates her to the back teeth anyway, but said that whatever I want to do then he will be ok with it. I didn't text her back in the end.......i dont know what to do I really don't......part of me misses her....at the end of the day, she is the only mother I will ever have, but at the same time, she was never a what a mother should be anyway..... I have already lost my father and only have my nanna now....and a cousin I talk to on MSN sometimes. I'm really confused and upset. I thought I would feel better about it all this morning and that a good nights sleep would put it all into persective.....but it hasn't.

tatania - I think its quite obvious that whatever your history deep down you long for a relationship with your mother and I do think you'll have regrets if you don't sort this out now. Were there no good times together? if there really weren't and you have no happy memories whatsoever it sounds a bit like a lost cause.

Ideally it would be great if you could get your mother to agree to counselling with you but I know thats not for everyone. Have you tried writing a letter to her - pour it all out but don't make accusations rather than saying 'you never loved me' say 'I never felt loved' that sort of thing. Tell her that unless she can accept responsibility for her actions you don't see how your relationship can progress. Once you have done this - its her turn, and the outcome of your relationship will depend on her response. You can only do so much - hope you get what you wish for. {hugs}

no JoolsToo....there weren't.....I can't remember her even taking me to the park or playing a game with me....not once

She used to beat me to within an inch of my life then have to keep me off school, telling me that it was 'our secret'.

I used to get grounded for no reason.....I even got grounded for a month on christmas day once cos I was slow doing the christmas dinner dishes...at the age of 7.

We never used to go out anywhere together......she always went to my sisters parents evenings and concerts. My sister was a result of a relationship she had while divorcing my father, and she has always loved and doted on her more.

When I got my GCSE results, they werent good enough....that her bosses daughter got better grades than me......not one 'well done' or 'I'm proud of you'

She wouldn't come to my wedding cos she didn't like me getting married.

She used to send me to my grandfathers every weekend despite desperate pleas from me not to.....he used to rape and abuse me every weekend for 4 years. I would make myself sick and would come home bleeding from 'there' and she still kept sending me. I used to eat and eat and got really fat cos I thought that if I made myself fat and ugly he would leave me alone.....but he didn't..........

She never used to let me go out to play. I was always sent to my room. I had no friends.

She was disappointed in me when I said I was pregnant with ds1...the first thing she said is..'oh...well you can have an abotion up until 24 weeks anyway....'

I remember once, she had me on the bedroom floor (tiled) and had her hands wrapped round my neck really tight, bashing my head against the floor......I remember everything going black.....then I woke up in bed and mums boyfriend saying that he had pulled her off of me....I really believe she meant to kill me. She never apologised for it and to this day denys doing it.

She used to repeatedly kick me out of the house at night, and I used to wander around wondering where to go. It was always her boyfriend who came and found me in the end, and was always me who had to apologise for making her do it.

She never let me see my father....the weekend I was going to see him for the first time in 9 years, he didn't turn up.....he was laying dead at the bottom of his stairs.

I swear she hates me cos I am my fathers daughter.....she would never talk about him to me....and there is so much I want to know.....

When I started making myself sick and developed an eating disorder she just called me a stupid cow......no offer of love, help or support.....this peaked when I was dating my now DH....in the end she kicked me out....I never went back but the critisism continued....

She never once said that she was proud of me. I can't even remember having a cuddle from her......ever.

It all hurts so much.....and this is barely even scraping the surface......

Honey please please see someone about this - talk to a counsellor or a psychotherapist - you have so much that you need to tak through and get some peace in your mind about it.

Above all you have done nothing wrong and she does not deserve to have you as a daughter and she is never goigng to be the person you want her to be and TBCH she could cut off both her legs and her arms and that would not make up for what she did to you and what she allowed your grandfather to do to you would it so whatever she does you are not going to be able to forgive her and have a relationship that does not cause you anymore heartache or damage. And she should never be allowed near your daughter.

Please for me go to the doctors and see if you can get a referral or if you live anywhere near me I can give you the name of someone who really helped me - I think another Mumsnetter went to see her and she also helped them.

Titania my heart aches for you, aches and aches. I agree with Twinkie I think you need someone who can give you some experienced help with all this, what a tremendous amount of pain to have to carry around.
I hope you find some peace somewhere and joy in you relationship with your dd.

twinkie......i have seen counsellors and TBH they just messed up my head even more....I can't afford to go private either. I have too much to carry around with me...I haven't even scratched the surface on here...many family secrets too that are too much for me to deal with. I don't want AD's....I don't want for people to think that I am a drama queen or hopeless......I can't cope anymore.........

Titania, please go to counselling about this. You are still suffering so much, and at some very deep level you are still yearning for the mother you should have had, but the woman who sent you that birthday card is never going to be that. You could just copy and paste the entry you have just made and send it to your mother, explaining that unless she acknowledges the wrong she did you, there is absolutely no chance at all of having any relationship with you whatsoever in the future - you can then know for sure that you gave her every chance, and be at peace with your decision. It has occurred to me that if your mother allowed you to be sexually abused by her father, the chances that she herself was abused by him are quite high; and it could be that she herself was and is in all sorts of denial about her own life, which prevented her from functioning as a mother (or even as a normal human being, by the sounds of it). But that shouldn't stop you from getting on with your life, and with some help, you can. I so hope you find some peace.

but if you can't cope then its probably a time when ADs may benefit you. and its still worth pursuing a referal from your GP to a counsellor - they may be able to refer you to a different one from previous, and if you talk thru what they propose to do with you at the first appointment, you can get a feel for whether they will just dredge up the past, or whether they may be able to help you

No see if you can get referred to a psychotherapist they are different and really just let you talk and you come to sertsin conclusions yourself - they are better than counsellors.

And for me coping was a big thing - I thought I had to and coming on mumsnet and blubbing was great for me as people did not know me in RL so I didn;t feel too bad about not coping but now Irealise that we can cope with so much and then we hit a wall and theer is no shame in admitting that you can't cope - in fact admitting it is often harder than getting help.

Please honey go and see your doctor and see if you can go and see someone - it may be that you did not stay long eneough to find that things would be resolved (I had a certain amount of head messing before things became clear too!!) - you need to sort this out not only for your peace of mind but for your DDs.

I do find now that I hate my parents and think I am actually a stronger person now I have come to that conclusion - I don't give a shit about them and do actually hope for their deaths - him I don't care how and hers from stomach cancer so she lives with the pain and has to have lots of treatment and horrid operations and hopefully heamorrages and dies (she is a bio teacher so will know what she has in store and will know death is iminent!!) - I sound horrid don't I but I just feel empowered now that I have that outlook on things - whatever they do now they can't hurt me and I will just wait until they are on their death beds and send them a letter each telling them exactley what I think of them and what they are done - I don't want them to RIP either!!

Please get help though - it does work. XXX

i think you need some counselling. the life trauma you are carrying around with yu everyday is just too much.

i do not speak to my mother and our family life is such that we will never make personal contact again. many people tell me i will regret it when she is gone and that i should send cards and such to "ease my own conscionce" after many years of people including family doing mean things to me and my family i eventually came to a place - its a spiritual/emotional place where i wont allow those who pretend to care about me and my family to hurt me. so my place is acceptance. acceptance that she has no interest in my children - her only grandchildren or me her only daughter and until recently only person to regularly speak to her. she may be my mum but she is to bitter and twisted to try with.

standing back i think most mnetters would think you have perfectly valid reasons for never speaking to her or making contact with her again. however what matters is getting your heart to a comfortable place and i think you may need counselling to help that take place

HTH thinking of you xxxxxxxxx

titania - Twinkie's advice seems very sound.

The problem is, none of us are really qualified to advise someone with such a damaged history. You really do need professional help - please try again.

even though I'm not qualified this sounds like one relationship that can never be mended

Titania - not all counsellors are the same - there are good and bad ones just like most jobs! I think you owe it to yourself to try and give it one more shot!

You have been so brave and strong to get this far without help so don't give in now.

From what little you have written it is clear that your relationship with your mother is one which is very damaging for you. I think you are right to have ended your contact with her and I don't think that it would be right for your children to have contact with her either. Basically I don't think she behaved in a trustworthy way towards you as a child or as an adult, and I would not trust her to behave in a trustworthy way towards your children.

You should feel no compulsion at all to let her back into your lives. I think it is highly likely that she too was abused as a child and then, as so many abused children do, then repeated this behaviour with you. Often a parent will single out one child to perpertrate this abuse on, and favour another child, this only serves to increase the injustice as far as the abused child goes, as they can see what a normal relationship might look like. However, the favoured child also has a burden to carry, they too see the injustice of the situation and can feel extreme guilt over why they were treated differently. Often though as adults they try to deny that your version of your childhood is true, ganging up with the abusive parent - this can by mind alteringly difficult to deal with - the am I going mad syndrome!

Your's has been a hard road to travel and there will be obstacles ahead. What I would say to you though is that you must try and remove these where possible, and there is no doubt that your mother is a major obstacle to your finding peace and calm in your life. You have chosen to break the cycle of abuse, possibly ending generations of such abuse. That is a vitally important step and a step which gives your children the life that you never had. Don't let her get in the way of this. Imagine yourself as purposeful and utterly unmoveable on this point. This will give you the inner strength to put the card back in an envelope along with the money and write a simple note ' You are not welcome in my life, you had your chance to be a mother to me and you blew it time and time again. Do not contact me or my family again.' Then post it...

Lots of hugs to you!!!

if i go to my doctor, she will just stuff me full of AD's and tell me to come back in month.......i have asked for help before

Titania

Be strong - tell the doector you don't want AD's but that you do want counselling. You are in control here - push hard to get the help that you are entitiled to. Ring the surgery and book a double appointment so that you have time to talk properly to the doctor.

If you need to, change your doctor and find one that will listen to you.

Titania - I cannot possibly offer advie, but I am truly sorry you, that anyone, any human being, any little girl like you were, had to endure such a horrible childhood.
Don't feel guilty about cutting your Mother off - it doesn't sound as if you are missing a relationship with HER, it sounds as if you are missing the childhood that was stolen from you.
I hope your DH can offer you the love that you now deserve - let him look after you - not your Mother.

Titania,

I would strongly suggest you seek counselling - insist the doc refer you to a counsellor.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (infact I would recommend this book to anyone who has suffered at the hands of abusive parents). This may also help you find a way forward.

I would go and see someone but to be honest, I just don't see what good dredging up the past would do....it's only going to upset me going through it all again....I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel...... Its like I'm stuck in this huge pit with no ladder..........I cant take anymore..........

Titania believe me you are stuck ina pipt but to get any further out you need to go back and address what this has done to you over the years - please honey go and see the doctor - see a different one if you can - are you on Ads??

no twinkie...im not....i dont want to be

and i cant see a different doctor...she is the only female one there and i am really not comfortable with male ones........its too far to the next nearest surgery

Honey where do you live CAT me if possible an if I can help I will.

Theer are support groups and lines for people inyour situation that you can ring - I am sorry I can't do a search as am at work but maybe you can??

As for ADs I know you wouldn;t want to be but you have made the first step to admit there is a problem (not that youhave the problem at all - it is your mother and what she and others did) now you need to start getting yourself together ADs might give you some breathing space to do this - I for one don;t think they are the devils work - I think they do a great job in helping people cope for the time that they need them!!

I will see if I can find you any groups that can help you - if I can would you ring and speak to someone and see what they have to say for me??