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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I thought I had severed ties with my mother..........

145 replies

Titania · 27/09/2004 12:55

but a card has just come through the post for my dds birthday with £10 in it...........now dd is asking why she doesn't see nanny anymore.......I am feeling so bad as I don't know what to say to her........oh why did she have to do this to me.........I don't know what to think now or what I should do........

OP posts:

Original poster

Titania · 05/10/2004 10:08

dh is supposed to be coming but i dont think i really want him in there with me......find it hard enough talking about it face to face as it is....plus we arent on speaking terms this morning.......

OP posts:

MUMINAMILLION · 05/10/2004 10:24

Titania, even if he doesn't actually come into the app with you, just having him there to accompany you to the surgery and back again could really help. And hopefully you will be speaking again by tomorrow? It sounds like he really is concerned for you, and I think he will do things your way. If you feel it is better to go on your own though, then do. The important thing is to go - you must, it is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Don't let yourself suffer the way you have been doing for any longer. It is time to accept help. You have been so brave to be open about this to us, you can do it again. And it will help, honestly. I'll be thinking about you. x

Caribbeanqueen · 05/10/2004 13:32

Hi Titania, I agree with miam, even if dh only comes to the surgery with you it might be helpful, there is no need for him to go in to the appt with you if you don't want him to.

Would it help you to write some things down in advance that you want to say to the Dr, so that you don't feel overwhelmed when you are in there. Make sure s/he knows how you feel about ads and whether you want to give counselling another go.

What time is your appt?

Original poster

Titania · 05/10/2004 13:35

my appointment is at 9.20am...straight after i drop ds1 off at school........

OP posts:

Caribbeanqueen · 05/10/2004 13:36

At least you won't have all day to brood about it.

Original poster

Titania · 05/10/2004 13:39

im doing that today and will do all night instead..........

OP posts:

Caribbeanqueen · 05/10/2004 13:45

Do you have anyone you can talk to today, either to take your mind off things or to talk through what you will say?

MUMINAMILLION · 05/10/2004 14:10

Titania, this may sound really stupid, but is there any chance you, dh and family can go out somewhere tonight? Just anywhere to take your mind off tomorrow and stop you brooding about it? I really dont want anything to stop you going tomorrow, and I'm scared you are going to talk yourself out of it, which is the worst thing you could do.

Being in on your own is not good for you just now. Is there anyone you can visit this afternoon - even just go out for a stroll. Exercise and fresh air would prob help. Please think about it, it is worrying knowing you are so upset.

Twinkie · 05/10/2004 14:21

Titania - seeing the doctor is the easy bit - it is admitting that there is a problem and making the first call/post for help.

I really hope that you will have the same experience as me and will actually end up with a feeling like the flood gates have opened and there is no way to go back to living with the problem alone or at least in self denial - once I had the help I just felt like a different person - give it time, treat it like an illness for which there is treatment over a period of time and during which you will be in pain, fragile and sometimes at the end of your tether but there will be light at the end of it all - it is not terminal - you cannot let her do that to you - you will get through this but you need to accept the help and understand that you are going to come up against hard questions and shitty feelings when sometimes you feel worse than you can ever imagine - I don't think you will ever get over what has been done to you, you will just with everyone's help learn to live with it and realise that you were not to blame.

Please go tomorrow honey, even have a bottle of wine all to yourself just so you get a nights sleep tonight and with regards to DH - I think maybe he so wants to help and maybe at the end of his tether - men have this inbuilt thing where they need to protect you and fix things and help - if he can't he must be feeling pretty shit too - not an excuse for anything but I am sure any frustration between the two of you is borne out of him caring and loving you so much and feeling so impotent with regards to doing anything to help you.

Big hug and big squeeze and find that courage to go tomorrow - it may be the best decision you will ever make. XXX

Caribbeanqueen · 05/10/2004 22:37

Just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow morning Titania, I'll be thinking of you.

Please let us know how you get on.

Hugs xx

newstart · 05/10/2004 23:00

Me too. Good luck, Titania. xx

MTS · 06/10/2004 00:10

Hi Titania, best of luck with the doctor's tomorrow morning.

take care

Original poster

Titania · 06/10/2004 11:20

I went to the doctor.....she shoved ADs at me and a local helpine number and told me to go back in a month.........I feel just as bad as before......... DH has gone back to work now.......leaving me in a right state.....our relationship is suffering now....he slept on the sofa last night.............I don't know what else I can do now.......I just want it all to go away.......It's hurting too much.......why won't it go away.......

OP posts:

Original poster

Titania · 06/10/2004 11:28

great....the icing on the cake today.....the local councellor I rang about our housing has just been in touch with me.......said that the next house that was coming up has been allocated to someone else.....that they have got 35 people on the homeless list and that the council are obliged to house 20 of them......some hope Ive got then........... I'm going to be stuck here forever......

OP posts:

krocket · 06/10/2004 11:30

oh titania, I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry that got such a negative response. Did she speak to you about counselling? What was the helpline number she gave you? Did you tell her everything?

agy · 06/10/2004 11:52

Whatever you do Titania, keep taking the ADs. Give them chance. They take at least a fortnight to kick in.

Caribbeanqueen · 06/10/2004 13:22

Hi Titania, sorry it didn't go too well this morning. Did you get a chance to talk to her properly at all before she shoved the ads at you?

What is the helpline number for?

Your dh must be feeling completely powerless. He must hate seeing you like this but realise that there is nothing he can do to make the pain go away and men hate being powerless. It's bound to put a real strain on your relationship.

Did you call any of the numbers that Twinkie gave you last week? If you want I can call a couple of them for you this afternoon.

Original poster

Titania · 06/10/2004 17:47

She was so abrupt i didnt feel like i could talk to her properly...I told her some basic stuff....the helpline was for adults who have suffered abuse as children. I really can't see what they could do in the long term.

I don't feel as though I have made any progress and actually I am feeling worse in the fact that nothing has been done..........

I don't know what else I can do........if anything.....

OP posts:

MTS · 06/10/2004 17:51

titania - i am sorry that the doctor wasn't very helpful.

i would give the helplines a try - in the short term they can provide an immediate listening ear by people who have been through the same problems, so know what to say and what not to say, and in the long term they may be able to advise you as to appropriate treatment/counsellors

MTS · 06/10/2004 17:53

also you can say as much/as little as you feel like to the helpline - and you will probably find it easier talking about sensitive issues when you are anonymous and not face-to-face IYSWIM

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