FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

[icksahoy]

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

fil isn't a criminal

No, but women would be a lot safer if disgusting behaviour like his was not accepted as merely 'inappropriate'. Maybe if it was seen by society at large as wholly unacceptable and criminal, then creepy FIL and people like him would think twice.

He kissed OP without consent. That's assault. Or it should be.

And yes, this thread is triggering to me so I'm hiding it now.

OP, I hope you find your DH to be supportive even though he will be sad to hear this about his Dad. I agree that probably the behaviour won't be a complete surprise to him, though, given your updates.

YOU ARE PRIORITISING A MAN'S HEART
This is the only bit of your posts I don't agree with @YouJustDoYou.
It's prioritising his ego, his control, his contempt for women. Nothing to do with his heart.

@EleanorReally

It doesn't matter if he's a criminal or not! It's disgusting and inappropriate behavior and shaming the victim into not telling her husband about it is absolutely disgusting! How dare you??

His "intentions" may or may not have been creepy, it doesn't matter because regardless of his "intentions" he is NOT allowed to do things, i.e. touching, kissing, speaking intimately, that make you uncomfortable. You should just be blunt and crystal clear about it. No need to feel bad about speaking up for yourself, because either he didn't understand that what he was doing would be construed the wsy it was, in which case he'd want that cleared up immediately and be thankful, or he is in fact a creep, in which case who cares about hurt feelings, because he didn't.

My grandfather always kissed me on the lips when he was in his 70-90's. I wasn't a fan, but absolutely knew he wasn't creepy, just old and LOVED me (all of us kids/grand/great-grandkids). So that alone to me wouldn't necessarily ring alarm bells. Some of the other stuff could though.

i am not shaming the op
get real,
you are working yourselves up,
i am seeing her and her dh relationship

you were the one who brought age into it

So what you are saying @EleanorReally is that age matters in regards to sexual abuse?

It's prioritising his ego, his control, his contempt for women. Nothing to do with his heart

That's what I clumsily meant.

Oh gosh, yes you do need to tell your dh. This behaviour is not right. It will be difficult but you can't keep this to yourself it will eat you up.

You don't know how far he will take this. It's not your problem who it upsets, he should not be doing this. Why should you have to suffer in silence. If he's a dirty git or has an illness well it's best either way that people are told and made aware. Your dh will be ok, he'll be devastated but he will get through this and he'll support you and you can help each other by talking.

OP also has children. If those children are daughters, then I'd be very worried about FIL's 'lack of boundaries' (such a coy euphemism for being a lech who thinks he's entitled to touch women against their will and to impose his own will upon them) - and stuff DH's heart, I'd be making it loud and clear what he was like and that it was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. For my daughters' safety and wellbeing.

Any DH worth their 'D' should be far more concerned about their wife and children's wellbeing than their father's ego.

@ EleanorReally So you wouldn’t mind if someone forced you to hold their hand and forced you to kiss them on the lips? In your world sexual assault may not be a criminal act, but in the real world it is.

@YouJustDoYou

Yeah I know - I'm Queen Pedant around here.

OP i had to re-read your post to check you were talking about your FIL and not your DH. But yes, it is your FIL. His actions are completely unacceptable and your DH should be telling him you will not see him again.

Ewww that is gross OP. I would have been completely freaked out if my FIL had ever tried anything like that with me.

Oh yuck. He's being very creepy.

I told my DH tonight. Things have predictably not gone well. He initially asked if I was taking it the wrong way. I told him it didn't matter if I did. He still made me feel uncomfortable. I've pointed out a few other instances of inappropriate-ness. He is now absolutely devestated and wondering how to speak to his dad. He is not in a good place. But he has been supportive.

Thank you all for giving me the courage to speak to him. You are all fabulous.

Things may be shit for the forseeble future but I did the right thing.

Well done, OP. You did the right thing, and it was a brave thing. Stay strong

Well done. That can't have been easy

That was a very wise thing to do, OP, and I'm just glad for you that DH has been supportive

Following through with FIL won't be pleasant, especially as he'll probably try to twist it round onto you, but at least you and DH can face whatever comes together

That must've been hard. Well done xxx

I just hope DH continues to be on my side and doesn't get swayed by his dad. But I guess only time will tell.

Be resolute. Don't feel you have to back down or say it's ok because your husband is hurting. Say you understand and you'll work through it together but that there will be no more tolerating this from his dad.

To put it objectively, given the same circumstances, you could ask dh if he would have felt comfortable if his MIL (your mum) did the same to him. I’m not sure how your FIL behaviour could be seen as anything other than creepy.

OP if your FIL persuades your DH that you lied, you need to be prepared to fight back, even walk if necessary. You cannot allow this man to fracture your marriage. Glad you told DH.

You're very strong icksahoy, that must have been tough.