Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

So she contacted you at 10.30pm to ask you to visit the next day .... but curtain fabric was obviously your key priority.

Ok I've read the ops updates and I actually feel quite sad. I've had experiences 2here my family aren't there for me. I'm sure at 30 breaking up with a live in boyfriend is hard. I'm sure she thought it was going somewhere. You sound really cold and tbh not willing to accept you're wrong. I can only imagine how she's feeling.

OP you are delusional. You have not tried your best for her. You keep trying to re-explain so that people here will understand your point of view, but we already know your POV, which is that you prioritised shopping over your distressed daughter and are now surprised that she yelled at you. We understand that a previous holiday was disrupted by her wanting to talk to her mum. But you're the one in the wrong here.

Almost everyone here is burning with rage at you just reading this. But you think your daughter over did the anger. Take a long, hard look at yourself.

Why don't you like her?

Bloody hell! You should have gone to your daughter! Fabric could have waited. I will never forget the night I had a baby, a 3 week old newborn and a husband all with a bug, I was beyond tired and started feeling queasy too. At 1am I called my mam, she lives 50 mins drive away and she was straight in the car and looked after us all. I was 35. When you need your mam, your need her, didnt realise there was a cut off age!

Tbh my parents have form for similar. When I was giving birth to my second DS we had a 1 year old. I had a CS- asked mum if she could help look after the 1 year old for a half day while I was in hospital as MIL had stayed over with him and was tired. She had 'booked to see friends for lunch'. Thank goodness she realised we really needed her and cancelled lunch but I was a little disappointed her first response was to stick to her plan.

My parents went on holiday for a month when I was having an awful time with my ds and his school being dicks.

They text and emailed frequently to check in. I didn't tell them how bad things had got but I knew they were there and that mattered more.

I literally can't ever imagine being in a place where I'd tell my ds a piece of cheap fabric was more important than him

Love is not a word or theory, it is an active process. Love gets its coat and shoes on, and finds a dammed way to get there when it's needed.

@Angela9 I love this ❣️

Wouldn’t bother contacting her - do her a favour

Your disdain for her comes through in everything you post.

Oh she was a difficult child?

No, you werent ever available for hee emotionally. That fucks kids up. To have mo emotional support growing up.

Yet you label her as a difficult child, rather than label your parenting as below par.

I think you'll find people still drive at 10.30pm

I have been having a difficult time the last few months health wise. My mum has turned down an amazing holiday early next year (against my wishes) to be near incase I need her help. I have told her I'll be fine and I can arrange alternative help with my husband etc and to go and enjoy herself, her response was she wouldn't be able to enjoy herself knowing she would be far away if I felt like I needed her. Whilst I dont at all expect her to forgo holidays for my benefit, I would feel devastated if I'd got a response like you gave, putting me below a fabric sale

She lives at least 45 mins away.

Her relationship has broken down, her dh has left and not ever her parents go to support her.

No wonder she's upset.

You are out of order.

Op, the only acceptable response to your DD when she phoned (or texted )you at 10.30 pm in distress was this:

"Would you like us to come over now, or first thing in the morning?"

You did the exact opposite. You are unemotional, uncaring parents. You haven't given up your life for your DD. She didn't choose to have you as parents, but you did choose to have her as a child. If my parents behaved this way towards me, I'd never speak to them again.
By the sounds of you, this would be a good result 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would always go to my daughter, always. I like to think I would do it for anyone who rang me and asked me for support and my physical presence as they were in desperate need, no matter what their issue (it would not be up to me to decide whether it was worth it or not, as you have).

If your husband is adamant that he is in the right then he is a selfish prick.

I have sent her a message asking if she is ok and telling her I love her

It's also really telling how you keep referring to her as firery. It's like you've decided who she is an you view everything through that lense.

As useless as a chocolate teapot springs to mind.
That is not referring to your poor daughter, but you and your husband as totally uncaring and inadequate parents.
I hope you don't expect to rely on her in your old age, but I bet you do!

Rather than your daughter "not being easy" could there be a remote chance that some of that was because of your actions?

Stop trying to justify yourself on here, OP - you're looking worse with almost every post.

Im 29 and when i split up with my ex last year, i phoned my mum and she took a couple of days off work and got a flight to come to me to make sure i was ok. Because no matter how old you are, thats how a parent should react when their child is hurting.

You wanted to go look at fabric instead of supporting your daughter?