Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

I’m just trying to explain other instances we have been there in the past

I think this is what people don't get - it's odd to list times you've been there for your kids to prove a point. That's kind of what parents do. And what kids do for their parents when they need more help the other way around too as they get older. Family is family.

I meant at 10:30pm it was too late to drive over. Obviously it is ok for her to contact us at any time.

I think at 30 I thought the fact we couldn’t come over with such little notice would have been respected by my daughter.

Thing is, you COULD have gone. You CHOSE not to.

Oh HEAVENS! She dared text you at 10:30pm! She really should plan her emotional crises for earlier in the day.

I wouldn't bother calling her. There is literally nothing you could possibly say to make this better.

I suspect your daughter is busy posting on the 'but we took you stately homes' thread. I pray that when my kids are in their 30s they still turn to me in their time of need, and I would be there in heartbeat. Fabric shopping FFS.

Atrocious parenting from the pair of you.

Your husband sounds like a pig and you don't sound much better.

Your poor daughter.

I'd have gone. In a car, on a train, on a bus, no matter the weather, no matter what sale was or wasn't on. And my mum would do the same for me (and has). I'd do it for a friend too (and have done similar). I have spent an hour in a taxi to cheer a dumped friend up, and have caught a train for 2 hours to hug a grieving one. That's what people do for the people they love. Love is not a word or theory, it is an active process. Love gets its coat and shoes on, and finds a dammed way to get there when it's needed. Love does not give a shit about the fabric sale

But we took you to stately homes!

I'm actually going to give another perspective. Whilst I agree that on the face of it not going straight to see her seems cold hearted, we don't have the context of your past relationship with each other.

in your DD's situation ... it would not have even occurred to me to ring my mum, because I know from past history that she would be at best useless and at worst bring it round to how hard the situation was for her to the point I'd have to support her! So the fact that your DD even rang you is a sign to me that you have been there for her in the past, and she was primarily upset because, on this occasion you did let her down. I hope she will accept your apology and you'll both be able to move on.

Your poor DD, I'm glad it hurts to read these messages. Maybe now you'll understand how she feels! It's your DD you shouldn't have needed her to ask, she was upset after a relationship breakdown, you should have just gone! All of your excuses are awful!
I am the same age, with a Ds of my own in a home just us. My dad lives 2 1/2 hrs away. He is older than your husband. 63 and working full time, long hours. If I rang him at 10.30 pm in a state, upset and needing him. Well at any time of the day or night. He would just say he's on his way. That's just what you do! Not go shopping!

@AFairlyHardAvocado

Thank you - I think so. He could be a right old bugger, but he was always there for us, and for me.

The responses to your post are pretty much all overwhelmingly similar. Yet from the tone of your replies it seems pretty clear you still dont think you've done anything that wrong.
I do hope your daughter is ok & managed to find a friend to support her. It's scary to find yourself single at that age & not knowing what the future may hold

@EmmaWizard909 I feel really very sorry for your daughter. A fabric sale. What a fucking joke.

Poor girl. I would be doing everything o could to make amends. If I were your daughter I would be very, very disappointed in you.

She asked you to come over the next day , not at 1030pm on a Saturday night.

Taking calls from your daughter when you are abroad is super familiar actually. Have you posted about her before? There might be a similar thread from a while ago if I can wrack my brains for the title.

Will your DH be angry if you contact her?

Don’t talk crap, there isn’t a cut off at which time you have to stop driving on the road.

You could of still went at 10.30pm!

How is it too late to go help your upset daughter?

I get up at 5am for work. My friends husband was in hospital and released at 11.30pm. I went and got them as he was still unwell. Wouldnt have dreamed of not helping them. They are my friends I love them. Nor as much as I love my daughter.

My mum would have come to me,then bought the fabric at full price.

You chose looking at some fabric over your daughters distress!
YABU- priorities eh?

My mum's 72 and (although I try not to inconvenience her) she woulddrop anything for me at any time if I was in trouble.

@EmmaWizard909 also - your "I was married with children by then" is a disgusting comment to make when your daughter has unexpectedly found herself single at 34.

You sound horrible! You should have comforted your daughter when she needed you instead of buying fabric.

Your husband drives 3 days a week and could!’t go to see his daughter? You preferred to go shopping Cos there was a sale on?!

You minimise her relationship by saying she was ‘only’ with him for a year.

You are totally heartless IMO!!!

I’m surmised you weren’t tucked up in bed by 10.30 in preparation for your exciting day at Dunelm. It’s not like you needed to get up in a few hours and drive for hundreds of miles to get to the airport or something, anything, that is more important than a fabric sale.

If you’re sorry call her up and apologise now. If you’re not (which you’re clearly not as you keep bleating on about her phoning you in Italy a decade ago) then give her some space and try in future to be more of a bloody mother than you have been so far.

The last few years she’s relied on me less and less, as happens with age. But she always seemed to be in the middle of a drama in one way or another. We don’t speak on the phone as much now but when we did it seemed she was always complaining about a man or about work. It hasn’t been easy and she wasn’t an easy child either. She is just fiery by nature.

I accept I was wrong in this situation and I intend to contact her tonight.

I was pregnant and had a big argument with my DH. Rang my mum in tears and distressed. She lives over 2 hours away. Doesn't drive on the motorway. She threw a couple of things in a bag and got a taxi costing nearly £200 and was there in 2 hours. No hesitation, no question. THAT is what parents do.

There's no way this is real.