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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
stoplickingthetelly · 21/11/2019 21:32

It doesn’t matter what age you are, when horrible things happen (like the breakdown of a relationship) you need support. I supported my mum when she split from her second husband and I live 300 miles away. Likewise if I was in a similar situation I would want my mum to support me. I actually cannot believe you chose to go shopping instead. I’m completely baffled.

cubed123 · 21/11/2019 21:32

If she’s 30 then university was probably 10 years or so ago? Yet you’re still harping on about That time??!!

Bobbybobbins · 21/11/2019 21:32

Glad you have contacted her OP

Pumpkintopf · 21/11/2019 21:32

Op is your DH your daughter's father?

MsRomanoff · 21/11/2019 21:33

I have sent her a message asking if she is ok and telling her I love her

Yep, and she will realise you sonr actually give a shit. Or are making time for her now you are free.

You didnt care if she was when you had fabric to shop for.

OP again, why wont you answer about giving your life up for her or the inconsistencies in your posts?

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/11/2019 21:33

@EmmaWizard909 I thinking clear you misread the situation here. She called you because she needed you. Did she expect you to go at 10.30pm? I'd not sure that's reasonable but I'm sure if you'd said you'd be there the next morning, she would have been happy. I do think you were really off for not going at all, you could have sent your husband shipping for fabric if it was that important.

Clearly you either didn't realise what a big deal this was , or didn't care.

loseyourself · 21/11/2019 21:33

This is also an example of karma. Not a magical thing. The worth you have put on her emotional need and her request of you will come back to you in spades, as you have burnt a bridge here and one day when you need her desperately, she might not be so inclined to honour you with her presence and instead be willing to just discuss it over the phone. Ring her and apologise and talk sense to your husband.

Justajot · 21/11/2019 21:33

Did you buy the fabric? Because you aren't going to be able to look at it without remembering the time that you chose it over your daughter and completely let your daughter down.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 21/11/2019 21:33

@FrancisCrawford your mum really loved you,mine would do the same

areyouafraidofthedark · 21/11/2019 21:33

My parents would drop everything if I needed them and I'm 34!

ambiencing · 21/11/2019 21:33

You are definitely being unreasonable. It's awful behaviour, really. Your poor daughter. The last thing you want to do when you're heartbroken is drive an hour! Driving in such a state is dangerous. You expected your distraught daughter to get into her car and drive safely for one hour?

egontoste · 21/11/2019 21:33

Christ on a bike, I'm glad you're not my parents.

Given up your life for actually That's bollocks and you know it. I'd drop everything and go to help my daughter if she was in distress like that. Hell, I'd even do it for a friend or neighbour.

You aren't supposed to add up everything you've done for your children and expect them to feel indebted to you. There aren't supposed to be strings attached.

Stressedoutaboutinlaws · 21/11/2019 21:33

If my mum had acted like you when i needed her i would 100% never forget that, and would 100% create a rift/distance in the relationship forever.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/11/2019 21:33

When my Dad was well he would have set off the next morning without a second thought (I used to live over 250 miles away). It sounds to me like you have always found your daughter too emotional, perhaps this is because she has never felt you are emotionally available to her.

If my children ask for help we are there. For me being a parent means being a place of refuge you try and equip your children not to need. If they do though, you're there.

whiteroseredrose · 21/11/2019 21:33

If you'd left at 10.30 you could have been there before midnight and then brought her back to yours by just after 1am. You wouldn't have turned into pumpkins.

My mum came back from Japan for me (and left my step dad there alone for a few weeks) at about your DH's age.

applesnotoranges · 21/11/2019 21:34

OP - do you think you would have gone if your husband hadn't said no?

Dads can sometimes (not everyone's) be a bit harsh- I know that sometimes my husband will say about our daughter - she should just get on with it - but usually I will say you do what you like but I'm supporting her.

Are you being the constant mediator?

You have had a lot of abuse on here - maybe just try to give your daughter a call - you are family and I am sure she would still like to hear from - or possibly - see you.

SaveMeFromMrTumble · 21/11/2019 21:34

You are a parent, you never stop being a parent until the day you die. All parents give up theirs lives for their children, its what parenting is.

No matter the age sometimes you need your parents.

However if she does this alot as you have said, i can see why you didnt take it seriously as it was just another break up.

Despite that how could you not go to your daughter who was clearly very upset, surely it doesnt matter how many times its happened? Did the maternal instinct in your not demand you go and comfort your hurting child?

Ineedtochillthehellout · 21/11/2019 21:34

This has to be a reverse???

Op you’ve behaved like my mum.

If my dd/ds called me and asked me for support there is nothing in this world that would stop me. Least of all a fabric sale and a hours drive.

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/11/2019 21:34

No point repeating everything already said.

If a short drive after a two day working week is too much for you at 60, then chances are you'll need elderly support younger than most, and hopefully she'll be too busy doing the weekly food shop to offer you any support.

Sparrowlegs248 · 21/11/2019 21:34

I think you need to message and apologise tbh.

AlexaAmbidextra · 21/11/2019 21:34

You’ve got all the excuses haven’t you? Your husband is 60, not 95. He was tired from working three days. You were going to buy fabric. She lives 35 miles away. How incredibly selfish you both are. Your daughter was distraught and neither of you were bothered enough to go to comfort her. Still, you’ve done her a favour really. You’ve shown her how little you care for her so you won’t expect her help and support when you’re old and infirm will you?

Smilebehappy123 · 21/11/2019 21:34

You sound terrible. Im a similar age to your daughter and my mum is always there for me no matter what
My own daughter could phone me anytime.of day and I would drop what i was doing to be at her side, what could be more important than your daughter being upset and wanting your help , you also state that this is rare and to an extent I could sympathise with you if she was calling every week over various trivial matters but the fact she phoned you and needed you means she must of really needed you at that time
If I was you I would be going to see my daughter , turn up and step up as a mother jesus woman

TheHive121 · 21/11/2019 21:34

I assume this is a reverse - and a bad one at that.

But in the event it isn't, YABU. Hugely.

You're never too old to need your mum. Your daughter needed you, and you let her down. I don't think it's the first time either.

As for your DH being tired after three days work - my dad is 65 years old, still works full-time nights, and would walk over hot coals to the ends of the earth if he so much as even thought I needed him.

Out of order, OP. Bang out of order.

MapMyMum · 21/11/2019 21:35

So she abused you, but your dh shouting at her wasnt abuse back? She is hurting and turned to her parents for support only to be told saving money was more important so she would have to make her own way over to yours when it is more convenient for you.

You say you're not cold but you act like you are. I feel truly sorry for your dd.

Also you posted her for advice but now the answers are very hurtful to you....ffs, your daughter is going through a break up and then got shot down by her parents, imagine how much hurt she is going through right now

Ohyesiam · 21/11/2019 21:35

why don’t you get on the phone to her now op and apologise. You might not feel that you need to apologise but it sounds like you want to rebuild your relationship with her and it would be a good place to start.
She might not live up to what you think an adult should be like, but she’s your daughter, she’s hurting and she needs some support.