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Original poster

Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

999 replies

EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 20:57

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaWizard909 · 21/11/2019 21:22

When she text it was 10:30pm!

I am listening to the responses and I will contact her tonight. I’m just trying to explain other instances we have been there in the past

OP posts:
Bellaxx8 · 21/11/2019 21:23

You sound like you really resent your daughter.

The fact she always calling you on holiday upset years ago and your moaning about it.

Maybe it’s best you don’t contact her. Hopefully she will go NC with you and your be free from her sensitivity Hmm

Pinklittle · 21/11/2019 21:23

Sorry op very unreasonable on your part, your daughter reached out for some support and you went shopping!!! No matter what the age she reached out to you, and you should have been there for her.

happytoday73 · 21/11/2019 21:23

You haven't tried your best.
I feel for your daughter and hope this level of coldness hasn't always been there

Quartz2208 · 21/11/2019 21:23

But for her it is that black and white. Look at the various excuses you have come up with for her father.

You havent given up your life for her at all. One suspects that your DH often needs to be first and always has

Rather than see it as abuse or wrong see it as her actually feelings. Why is he furious for her telling him how she feels

Minikievs · 21/11/2019 21:23

This has to be a reverse.

You invited her to your house? The last thing I’d want to do in her situation is get in the car and drive, sounds like she was in bits.

I wouldn’t be speaking to you either.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 21/11/2019 21:23

Oh @mbosnz what a lovely dad Thanks

ThisIsReworked · 21/11/2019 21:23

I really hope this is a made up scenario.

Untamedtoad · 21/11/2019 21:23

4 or 34, she's still your daughter and you should always be there as best as you can if she needs some emotional support. I know my mum would drop EVERYTHING to be there for me if I was crying down the phone, and I'm 32. And I know I will always be there for my girls whenever they need me. The thought of them crying in a heartbreaking situation such as a relationship breakdown, would break my heart too. The thought of any sort of emotional distress towards my children brings me to tears, and I know no matter what their age, I will move mountains to be at their side to comfort them. Your husband sounds like a controlling dick by the way.

Cordial11 · 21/11/2019 21:23

You keep saying you invited her over but also so she was in a state. So you want her to risk her safety driving in a state because you CBA?

itswonkylampshade · 21/11/2019 21:24

I have found this such a sad thread to read! I am forty-one, and lost my beautiful Mum earlier this year. She was a fabulous, loving and caring Mum... there is a huge Mum-shaped hole in my life.

I feel heart sorry for your DD, as I can’t imagine ever having been on the receiving end of such an ambivalent response when I needed support to the point I had to ask for it out loud. I cannot, for the life of me, understand your attitude. It’s just utterly bloody sad.

Bellaxx8 · 21/11/2019 21:24

When she text it was 10:30pm!

So? She was upset and your her mum.

peachgreen · 21/11/2019 21:24

When she text it was 10:30pm!

Do you stop being her mum past the watershed or something? Christ almighty.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 21/11/2019 21:24

Hi OP
I think she has a point. There isn't an age when you don't need some support when you're having a tough time. A break up with a live in partner isn't exactly a weekly or monthly occurrence. Unless she asks you to come down frequently then she probably asked because she needed it, and in my opinion, being rejected when you're already having a rough time must have felt horrible so I think she has a point. I mean, shopping for fabric! It's not urgent or important and it's not as if you've booked and paid a deposit or something.

Imagine if your husband left you and you phoned her in tears and she said she had to go and wash her hair and to be honest she is surprised you're upset as by 60 you should be able to deal with your relationship breaking down? I know you've been married a long time so it's not quite the same but presumably she was serious about him to move in with him.

She asked for help because she felt like she needed it. Maybe she was scared he would come back and argue with her or worse. Maybe she was too upset to drive.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/11/2019 21:24

“Given up your life for her”??? Hmm you do know she’s your child right?!

OlderthenYoungerNow · 21/11/2019 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MadeForThis · 21/11/2019 21:24

University was at least 8 years ago. Answering a few calls doesn't absolve you of future parenting.

Kko1986 · 21/11/2019 21:24

Hi op,
You are getting a hammering I actually thought this was a reverse.
You were wrong. I had a mental break down 2 years ago and my parents dropped everything to be with me and help me through it.

You should have gone to her and part of you knows it which is why your hurt at the comments.

Stop and think.

Techway · 21/11/2019 21:24

Op, have you ever been told before that you lack empathy?

You mention the holiday but you seem to think support for a child even if adult is conditional. It is available IF it suits you.

I assume your husband is not her father and you are putting his feelings first.

wtffgs · 21/11/2019 21:24

She's not upset about a bad haircut - her relationship has broken down.

I would scoop her up and pamper her.

Wanting to go fabric shopping and your husband's age are both a bit lame.

lookatthebabypenguin · 21/11/2019 21:25

I thought you said she called you.

yuiop · 21/11/2019 21:25

Yeah you're shit parents.

And why do you keep harping on about a break up in university? That was a long time ago.

MsRomanoff · 21/11/2019 21:25

When she text it was 10:30pm!

10.30??? Fucking hell? That late?

Dont be daft.

Can you answer how you gave your life up for her?

Can you also explain if your husband works all week, 2 days or 3 days? Cause you said all 3?

Are you just talking shit?

Lunde · 21/11/2019 21:25

It sounds like the truth hurts OP - you didn't offer her any emotional support, wanted to fob her off to save a few quid on curtains and wanted her to risk driving to you in a distraught mental state so that your day was not disrupted.

Everything about your reply screams that your "help" was totally conditional on you/dh not wanting the "hassle" of her problems and only offering help that was on your terms.

I am 57 and disabled and dh is 63 - when we have received calls for urgent help we have jumped straight into the car!

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 21/11/2019 21:25

But you are talking perhaps a decade between when she called you on holiday and then now at 30 ? How much does she rely on you normally? Is it drama every month?

Personally you sound like my mother, who I am very low contact with. She would probably describe me as ‘fiery’