Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

I would of gone like a shot ,but I have a lovely relationship with my daughter.
My mum is like you op ,she would not of come ,in fact she never even came each time I gave birth ,she didn’t visit to see any of her grandchildren.
So my mum wouldn’t of come .but I’m not bothered,ive managed without her over the years ..I’m sure your daughter won’t ask anything similar again.she knows where your priorities are

Wow.

I’m 33. I’m close to my Dad. He lives over 200 miles away. If I were to call him and I were crying, he’d be in the car within 30 seconds and on his way over. Because I very, very rarely cry and so he’d know there was something really awful happening.

He’s done this three times in the past 10 years. He’s also self employed and works from his home.

My Step Mum has also done this four times in the past year for her daughter (21)

It’s a no brainer, surely?

It will come to a time where you/your mum needs you to come over at the drop of a hat. Thoughout dads long illness, I have lost count of the number of times I didn’t hesitate to drop everything and be there to help mum in a crisis, accompanying him to hospital or helping to clean him up after a disaster. Now mum has dementia it’s the same. Trouble shooting when she is really confused and therapeutic visits when she gets really low and sad.

But they were there for me when I was younger and had my dramas.

It’s a two way street in the end.

You put curtain shopping before your daughter!! Wow... nasty. Even if your dd is difficult, you knew how upset she was and ignored her. You can drive to look at curtains but not see her. Really poor parenting.

In many years, you may need her to come over at the drop of a hat. Would you rather she went fabric shopping or something equally frivolous rather than come and help you?

(Apologies if this has been posted already, I don't have time at the moment to read all 34 pages!)

When you need your mam, your need her, didnt realise there was a cut off age!

Damn right, Swan. And it works both ways. One day you will need her OP, and quite frankly, I hope she tells you to fuck off - she has a TV programme to watch or something.

You say she has had many broken relationships - does it not occur to you that that might be why this apparently stable one was so important to her? And that she is in bits because the break-up has comet of the blue?

You and your husband are the most appalling people.

I'm with your daughter on this one too. She's your daughter, she rang you heart broken and you DECLINED to go see her so you could go shopping instead. I'm not surprised she's not talking to you

I wonder if she’s had so many Relationship breakups because she has attachment issues caused by her own parents!?

Enjoy your curtains.

My parents would drop anything to be with me if I needed them. I'd do the same for my DC when they're older. If my parents refused an hour drive (I live twice that away from them) when I was upset and needed support, to go fabric shopping I'd be very hurt.
Sorry, but I think YABU.

I'm 60, work full time in the NHS all week and have disabilities.
My son is 37 and lives 200 miles away.
if he had rung me with the same problem I'd have dropped every plan and gone cross country to comfort him.
You sound awful.

Haven't RTFT, but from your initial post, you are being extremely unreasonable. If you were physically unable to get to her feasibly then that's understandable, but to not be arsed as you wanted to go fabric shopping is savage. If she phoned every night then perhaps you could justify not travelling to her all of the time as it's not managable. But how mean.

So your daughter called you desperately upset and you were like 'Stuff her , there's a sale at Roseby's'.

So glad my Mum was nothing like you.

Unless anyone is over 55 then I don’t think you can comment on feeling tired, we have busy lives!

I'm 66. DH is 73. We have busy lives.

We would be there for our child.

(IN fact if a close friend or neighbour needed support we'd be there for them - but for our child - our child - we'd crawl over broken glass.)

Every one of your posts reveals you to be cold, unemotional and self-justifying.

Bloody hell.

I’m 34 and married with a child. If I need support (for anything!) my mum (and dad) are there. If my relationship had broken down, my mum would be with me in a heartbeat. When I suffered with anxiety after the birth of my daughter, my mum pretty much moved in! Her and my dad are both in their late 60s, both work full time, and my mum suffers with ME. Despite that, I know they are always, always there for me.

It works both ways - whenever they need my support, I am there. When they are older, frailer and more dependent, I will be there to help care for them and advocate for them.

Your poor daughter. (And probably poor you - sounds like you might have a pretty miserable and lonely old age).

I called my Mum in tears one Christmas Eve, it was after 11pm. Whilst I was still on the phone, she wrote my Dad a note to get dressed and they were on my doorstep within an hour. I didn't ask them to come, they just wanted to give me a hug and some support.

They're older now. My Dad had to go to A&E a few weeks ago. I spoke with my Mum for an update, but then just got in the car and drove to them. I just wanted to give them a hug and some support.

I don't understand, cannot even begin to understand why you or your husband had no urge to go to your daughter. Baffling.

This reads so much like a reverse.

Wow , just wow .

Words fail me . I hope your daughter is ok and has some support from friends and hopefully her brother has stepped up too.

I don't think there is any going back now.

She didn’t calmly tell us she was upset we hadn’t visited, instead we had text after text of nasty accusations. She has always been like this and can be very nasty. While I would obviously never say this to her, DH and I can sometimes see why her relationships break down. She’s very intense and can be critical.

You really don't get it do you?

Her texts to you were all true, and she probably lost her temper with you as it was the final straw.

You are horrible.

I have an appalling relationship with my mum but she still would help me in such a situation.

You need to listen to what people say here, every post you get worse.

Yes you're on the wrong and totally cold.

My husband and I are both over 60 and both work full time - we would go to any of our adult children, wherever they are (including the one who lives abroad) at whatever time they needed us. The same applies to friends.
We ‘have busy lives’ too, most weekends come with plans attached - but- we wouldn’t hesitate to change or drop plans if someone needed us to be there for them.

This reads so much like a reverse.

I agree-it’s difficult to envisage someone quite so brazenly heartless would post.

she knows we are here if she needs us, we always would be.

Well clearly not.

You and your husband are an appalling pair of arse holes.

Reading this thread is making me want my mum.

I’m 29 and very independent, always have been. I live 200 miles and fabric is a big deal to my mum, she’s a quilter. She also works full time and will be at work today. She’d still make time to talk me if I need her. No way would she prioritise fabric over me. I’ve called her before with good news and she’s still stepped out of the fabric shop.

Also providing for your kids financially is not the same as providing them for emotionally.

I can't ever imagine a time that I wouldn't go to my daughter, no matter what, unconditionally, when she needed me. No matter how many hours it took to drive there or how much fabric I wanted to buy.