Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

Wow I also thought this wasn’t a real post when I saw it. Sorry but of course you are in the wrong and acted selfishly. I did wonder from the tone whether your husband is quite controlling and maybe you do what he says ? Sounds like you are cold and have your priorities totally wrong. Sorry.

MI am very positive about my daughter, she’s highly successful and more independent than my son in many ways. I’m very proud of her! That doesn’t mean I can’t see that she’s difficult and dramatic at times, her reactions are extreme. She didn’t calmly tell us she was upset we hadn’t visited, instead we had text after text of nasty accusations. She has always been like this and can be very nasty. While I would obviously never say this to her, DH and I can sometimes see why her relationships break down. She’s very intense and can be critical.

I'm 39 and my parents would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them, and I would do the same for them because we are a family, we love and support each other.

Your poor daughter

@EmmaWizard909 Me and my DH has a fight a few years ago, mid 20s, I called my in-laws in tears and they drove 8 hours (both mid 60s) to be here to try and rectify the situation. My son recently had chicken pox and she hopped on a plane to come and watch him so that I didn’t use all my annual leave from work. My in-laws and my mum are great and would always be there when I need them. You’re not wrong, it’s just how you feel you want to support your daughter/not support her. She’s not wrong in feeling completely let down and disgusted with the people she thought loved her more than anyone! I hope she won’t hold a grudge and In older age if you need her I hope she can fit you in around sales shopping.

I think my parents would describe me as you have described your daughter. I really do. Yet I have tons of friends who don't find me difficult, who think I am kind, supportive and funny. I also have a far better relationship with my teens than my parents ever had with me. Are the text messages actually mean and abusive because my parents would have said that about being told the truth about their actions too.

I really hope this is a reverse. Not just for the fact that I hope there isn't a mother out there so selfish and unaware. But also for the fact that if this is the 30 year old daughter posting then she now has the confirmation she wanted that her mother isn't like others and this isn't a normal reaction. If she goes on to have children of her own then she hopefully wouldn't treat them as appallingly knowing that it's not the norm.

I honestly can't believe this is real
Shame on you.

I'm 41. My mum would have been over in a heartbeat.

OP, you sound like the kind of mum who thinks children are your children until they turn 18 and then they should be completely independent and can’t rely on you and any help given by you should be seen as an unexpected bonus.

I feel deeply sorry for your DD and I completely understand why she is so upset.

I am sorry but if I were her, I would never ask for any emotional support from you again and trying to distance myself emotionally from you for as much as I could to protect myself from further possible emotional injury.

Let's home you're not calling on her for any help when you're old and frail and one of you is left alone and needs support. Bet you do.

Eeeeee fuck me! Poor wee lassy. I can call my mother in the wee small hours and she would hop skip and jump out of bed. And I would do the same for her.

Hope you found the perfect fabric to reshape your daughters emotional ruin.

I’m 31 - and a bit useless! My mum leaves work to bring me money when I’ve got myself locked in a car park again and forgotten my wallet! You never stop needing your mum.

I would have been heartbroken if I needed my mum and she would prefer to go shopping rather than check I was ok.

Works both ways too mind, I look after her too.

Stop comparing your children, OP. It speaks volumes.

You have damaged your relationship forever over the most trivial of reasons. What was your relationship like with your own mother? Formal, cold?

If you were my mum, I would remember this and distance myself from you forever. I would not include you in my life, with future grandchildren and Christmas etc. I may visit you once or twice a year for the obligatory visit. I will not involve myself with your care when you get older.

This is what you have to look forward to because you prioritised fabric shopping over your daughter.

she’s highly successful and more independent than my son in many ways. I’m very proud of her! That doesn’t mean I can’t see that she’s difficult and dramatic at times

She's 'successful and independent.'
So she manages to hold it together a lot of the time?

So when she calls you and is 'difficult and dramatic' does it not cross your mind that she is not coping and needs you now and then?

Do you only want to see her 'best side'?

One of my best but bittersweet memories is a very similar situation. I was younger but had a relationship breakdown and was doing my best to make a go of it in a new (very grotty!) house share, having moved out of the flat I had lived in with the boyfriend.

One day, it all got too much and I was really unhappy and very tearful.

I rang my mum (although a very loving relationship, traditionally we are quite independent of each other) and she was on my bed giving me a hug and stroking my hair within 15 minutes and it was a 12 minute journey!!!

People who don’t get their emotional needs met can seem a bit intense to others, it’s usually because they’re feeling desperate. She’s crying out for your love and support but you’re feeling it as an attack. I’d suggest you try to connect with her, putting your own needs as less of a priority for a while.

If I were in your daughters position and had asked my grandma if I could visit, she would say yes. Even if she did want to travel ages away to go to a shop, she would just leave the door on the latch for me, leave me a key somewhere, or let me chill at the house while they go out. They wouldn't decline me for the sake of a shopping trip.

Oh and she is 72.

It was more important to go shopping than support your daughter???
How selfish

At her age it might not be just the relationship she's sad about. Maybe it's the loss of her dreams of children. She has to start again at age 30, meet someone, get to know them etc. The fertile time bomb is ticking.

We don't suddenly grow you and stop being emotional. It's either in our nature or not.

You'll make up, things will seem ok on the surface but this is just another nail in the coffin of your relationship where she's learnt not to rely on you for emotional support. Just to take the superficial relationship for what it is. She knows you say you love her but she knows that you aren't really there for her when the chips are down.

Why can't a woman who is 34 call her mum for support? Even if she is married with kids! Parenting is a lifelong job, how can you be so cold as to not care and not want to support her just because you wouldn't have called your mum?

The feeling of "I want my mum/dad" has no age limit. How sad that you feel your daughter asking to visit her own parents after her relation ship is ended is unreasonable. You do sound like a shit mum.

I love my children very much, I am not cold hearted. My daughter can be difficult at times, she is very fiery. We invited her to our home and would have looked after her there.

You could indeed have looked after her in your home.

You could have driven to hers, hugged her, listened to her, helped her pack and brought her back with you.

But of course, you had some cheap fabric to buy which was more important. After all - there's hardly ever a sale on anywhere.

Enjoy your new curtains. Hope they're lovely. After all, you chose them over your daughter.

Maybe her barrage of messages to you was the floodgates opening on how she feels she's been treated by you her whole life.