Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

@EmmaWizard909 i honestly wouldnt dwell on it. Just accept youre a pretty poor mother, and your husband is probably emotionally abusive if he sends the message emotions are wrong, and move on. Tell her this is who you both are, and she should look elsewhere for comfort and emotionally stability.

Oh well if your parents wouldn't have done it for you that's ok then 🙄

I can't believe you would put fabric shopping over her and she's not allowed to consider her childhood home her 'home' if she needs to?

Glad you're not my mum and I could never act like this towards my own child.

I can tell you now neither my mother or DH’s would have cancelled plans for us at that age.

There are plans and there are plans.

Your 'plan' to go fabric shopping was a frivolity. Easily changed under the circumstances.

@EmmaWizard909 sounds like you are parenting in the same way as what you have experienced from your own mother.

Can I ask if you are a bit scared of your husband at all?

@EmmaWizard909

You really don't get it do you?

A parents love is unconditional and your children must always come first. I doesn't matter how you were treated by your parents because this is the present not the past and you might need your children one day when you are suffering or even alone because your husband has died and you have no one. Sorry to be blunt but you need to rethink how you treat your children or you will lose them.

Age doesn't matter. I don't blame her for being upset- unless she separates from her partner every few days. Her life has imploded, the relationship ended and she's alone. She asked for your support, but fabric won. I really hope she has some good friends to rely on.

It doesn't matter how you were treated by your parents

You are cruel parents. Her age is irrelevant (not that you seem to be fully aware of how old she is which in itself is quite telling).

An hour is no distance at all and your husband being 60 is also totally irrelevant.

My parents live 150 miles away and still come at the drop of a hat if I need them (often when I’ve specifically told them not to bother!) and I’m 32.

What if this had been your best friend rather than your daughter? Would you still have told them you wouldn’t support them because they’re a grown up?

You are very mean and your husband is a monster.

I also want to put you out of your misery OP.
My SIL has parents who feel that they have also 'done their bit' .

They prioritise meal planning, cruise/holiday planning, interior design (redecorating ...again), another afternoon tea over everything.

Get on with your little life but don't be surprised if your children distance themselves.

One of you will be single again one day. Please don't pick up the phone to your DD. You might find she is too busy fabric shopping to visit.

OK, I'll catch up with the rest of the thread later. When I was 35 my relationship broke down. I got on a plane, went to see my parents, they dropped everything and went to pick me up at the airport, 2 hours away.

You don't stop being someone's child once you're an adult. They were there for me.

It sounds like you and your husband were parented in a particular way and have repeated that pattern. That is what you know. This way of parenting isn't helping your daughter. You can continue to parent in the same way and risk hurting your only daughter further or you can change.

Being realistic it be really hard to change how you relate to your daughter. At the moment she is taking the blame for the relationship by being 'difficult.' You and your husband probably need a third person to help you with this in some sort of counselling relationship. It will be difficult as you will have to face your imperfections and mistakes. It will require courage and vulnerability. It is much easier to blame her.

I hope you can find a way through this. I recognise your parenting style in my husband's parents. They were never wrong. Ever. The damage they did was immense. Admitting you might have made a mistake here may be the first step into something new.

Your daughter has a fairly normal nature not difficult at all by the sounds of it, I dread to think how she would have been supported if she had mental health issues. A difficult nature would be her wanting you guys to drop everything to be there for her twice a week every week, cause by that point no one could say yabu.

My grans a bit checked out emotionally, children should be seen not heard, had a bad effect on my mum, she over relied on relationships as she couldn’t look elsewhere for support, when they broke down so did she.
The bit that got me most was the hour ride was to much but it was a 45 minute ride to the sale?

I live in a different country to my mother and I know if I called her and asked for her help in this situation she would be on the firat available flight to come and visit me. I'm glad you're not my mother.

This sounds like something my parents would do.
We haven't spoken for nearly 2 years because I never call them. This is a lie, I just stopped and they didn't bother to get in touch.

I think you've misunderstood that children are not all the same. Child A will need an extra cuddle and a plaster after they graze their knee and child B will need a quick hug before they rush off to play again. That's how kids are. That's how people are. If you fail to meet each of those children's needs, or treat one on the basis of how you or someone else, similarly aged sibling included, you're not doing a good job.

The poster who wrote this is correct:
You're manipulative and emotionally unavailable. She's going to go from bad relationship to bad relationship until she releases that she deserves better from her parents and from all her other relationships.

My DM is like you. Best thing in my life is that I no longer have any contact with her. And I feel not an ounce of regret or guilt.

If anybody recognises OPs daughter, or anybody else with parents like this, show them this thread. Discovering that everybody else thinks your parents are crap and you're not going crazy is good - although will never change the reality.

Your poor daughter. She is completely right. You chose to go shopping instead of going to emotionally supporting her. You are a shit mother. My mum lives on the other side if the world and she would probably try and get a flight over if my marriage broke down but you can't even drive an hour to go and cuddle your child when she needs you?

It is unreasonable for you to put your plans first when your child (either of them) is in emotional distress and what happened to you with your parents is not relevant. My Mother was pretty rubbish so I use her as a model of what to do differently. What usually happens is as you go through parenting you look at how your parents parented you. If it was good then you repeat that, if not you do it differently.

We treat both our children the same and love them just the same. What a horrible accusation. They’ve been brought up identically and had all the same things and opportunities, my daughter just had a difficult temperament.

Again, you thinking is that your daughter is difficult. No inward contemplation about why. Even though she has told you how she feels.

You dont treat them the same. Your language when talking about your daughter is negative. Every time you mention your son, its positive.

You have decided she shouldnt need support because he doesnt.

Again, why is he the bar that her behaviour is measured against.

Equally when my 18 year old visits me, he has the manners to class himself as a "guest."

Your just out of childhood 18 year old calls himself a guest when he visits you?

I think you and OP and her DH should do lunch and go fabric shopping together. You'd get on great.

This has to be a wind-up!

Assuming that your dd isn't ringing you every day owing to some faux crisis and she isn't prone to drama, then of course you were totally in the wrong. I am surprised you have to ask actually!

I think you are in the wrong here and you know it! My instinct would be to go over .Why on earth would fabric shopping take precedence over your daughter? FFS send some flowers ,and a card and get over there pronto!

For me this is the worst bit of all you've written

my daughter just had a difficult temperament.

Making a child feel they're 'difficult' because they're emotional, articulate their feelings & feel things deeply is so damaging.

My parents were great but this was a message I got over the years especially from my mum (she was great in many other ways). It's a label that really stays with you. My own DD is 12 & can be an emotional whirlwind compared to her brothers; I have to actively watch that I don't give a message, even inadvertently, that she's 'hard work'.

It really stays with a child to be thought of as 'difficult' and especially compared to a sibling who 'isn't difficult'

Guess what - when you really are old (60 is not old) and need help, your daughter may decide it is her time and she prefers to do a bit of unnecessary shopping rather than assist her vilely cold parents. Remember that, so you don't start bleating too much when the tables are turned.

I am very positive about my daughter, she’s highly successful and more independent than my son in many ways. I’m very proud of her! That doesn’t mean I can’t see that she’s difficult and dramatic at times, her reactions are extreme. She didn’t calmly tell us she was upset we hadn’t visited, instead we had text after text of nasty accusations. She has always been like this and can be very nasty. While I would obviously never say this to her, DH and I can sometimes see why her relationships break down. She’s very intense and can be critical.

I can't imagine being like this with my children. My DS is studying away and I'm there, if I'm needed. Did a 3.5 hour round trip a few weeks' ago. It's just what you do for your children.

I'm not surprised your daughter feels the way she does.