Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

If this is real you'd get on well with my mum. I haven't seen her for over a year and she doesn't know she's about to have another grandchild. I don't rely on her for any emotional support though so maybe you'd think that's a good thing?

When my relationship was breaking up (age 34), my mum got on the next plane and flew over to be with me. It was the most helpful and beautiful thing, and I felt so loved.

We’ve drove to pick her up from university at around 9pm (a good two hour drive) and brought her home when she broke up with uni boyfriend. We are not terrible, obviously I can’t re count every time we’ve done something nice but there’s been lots of occasions she’s relied on us emotionally, far more so than her sibling

Assuming this isn’t a reverse or fake, you two are vile and shouldn’t be parents.

I bet you want everyone to listen to your problems though.

Thought the objective of this reproduction thing is to produce indep and functioning adults, not emotionally incontinent middle-aged babies.

You’re unbelievable it sounds like a competition and you are trying to justify what you have done by bringing up things in the past. So your son doesn’t need you so much how does this justify what you have done.

I can’t re count every time we’ve done something nice but there’s been lots of occasions she’s relied on us emotionally, far more so than her sibling

And what? Maybe her sibling has clocked the situation, doesnt come to you when he really should.

Its obvious they were brought up differently. She has always been the difficult child, he is the golden child. Thata obviously your view.

My brother has needed fat more support from my parents. The fact that I knew going to them would open a can of worms, doesnt impact that he chose to go to them.

Why is you son the bar that you measure your daughter against?

The language you use is very emotionally detached. You thought your daughter could drive to yours Sunday afternoon and chat about her break up over dinner. She didn’t want this, she wanted a her mum and a great big mummy hug. This dynamic has probably been playing out between you for decades, perhaps all of your dd’s life.

The deferring to your husband and way you talk about both your son and husband makes me wonder if you’ve been brought up in misogyny and led to believe males are superior to females. My emotionally unavailable mother swore blind this wasn’t the case. But it is. She even admitted I was right “if you put it like that”. If you’re totally honest with yourself, I think you’ll realise you are deferring to males.

My advice to you is to open yourself up to your daughter, defer to no one (including your husband) and try hard to be the mum she needs, not the one you think she should have. She is not inferior or defective because she’s emotional and feisty. She is actually screaming out for you to tell her how much you love her, she’s wonderful and a hug. That is if she will accept a hug from you. Touch her face, stroke her fair, rub her back. She’s an emotional person and she wants an emotional connection. Tell her you love her often. Tell her you’re sorry you haven’t been the mum she needs.

My mother is an emotional person but she’s been taught not to show emotions. In fact she even told me she doesn’t believe in emotions. So she bottles everything up and has got through life being a martyr mother and controlling narcissist. I could go on about her. But my point is that the way you talk about your dd, the present and the past, you really do sound a lot like her.

In your heart of hearts this actually what you want? I chose to keep in contact with my mother. But do be careful because many many people in my situation have gone no contact with their parents for decidedly less than how my mother has treated me. Like you she has been very generous with money. But I would have given all the money up for an emotionally available mother, who made me feel an ounce of self worth.

As a child, I thought I was worth less than her cooking spatula. And I’m saying cooking spatula because of how protective she was of her cooking spatula and warnings not to damage it if I was allowed to touch it. Last weekend you told your dd she was worth less than fabric on sale. I think you should be demonstrating to your dd she is worth more than an inanimate object and begging forgiveness if she was ever made to feel this way when she was a child.

And please don’t go for “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.” Own your behaviour. Then let her talk without defending yourself.

Thought the objective of this reproduction thing is to produce indep and functioning adults, not emotionally incontinent middle-aged babies.

You thing that daughter is middle aged and or emotionally incontinent because she wanted her parents emotional support?

I disagree. But let's say thats right. Maybe it's because she has clearly never had emotional support.

Humans need emotional support. We are social beings needing support doesnt make you emotionally incontinent.

We treat both our children the same and love them just the same. What a horrible accusation. They’ve been brought up identically and had all the same things and opportunities, my daughter just had a difficult temperament.

This is awful, your poor daughter! Hope she remembers this when you are elderly and need her help

I also text my daughter most days saying I love her and telling her goodnight!

Rarely do we have a text from her first saying the same thing.

Your language about your son and daughter speak volumes.

He’s the golden child who can do no wrong and she’s the screw up who needs more support than you’re willing to give.

Yeah, you’re rubbish parents.

Did you read my post? My mother also says she and my father treated us the same. Advance search me. I’ve written reams about the difference between her “reality” and mine.

I’m really pleased to see you text eachother regularly though. Perhaps this is more fixable than me and my mother. I’ve reconciled that I’m never going to have the mother I need / needed.

I'm 29 and going through divorce. When I split my mum came down (6 hour drive) that weekend. Then she came for a day every week for 3 months until I was feeling better.
Oh and my grandma is 75 and she would drop anything if I needed her to. 60 is not that old nowadays

Uni was a long time ago,
Has she used up her ration of times you will go to her?

If you and your DH are so busy (working part time) that you get so tired aged 60 you are going to be needing her to drive over to you to help you out increasingly regularly as you get older. Just wait til one of you gets a broken hip and you call for her to help or visit.....

You seem weirdly rigid in your thinking Op. Your own relationship with your parents sounds cold. You are concerned about ‘undermining ‘ your DH, do you find yourself appeasing his needs? Do you have lots of close friendships?

There is something not quite relaxed in your emotional responses .

Anyway, I hope you can make it ok with your Dd, but you need to apologise and mean it.

You’re not going to have a text from her saying that due to your relationship with her. I really struggle with your way of thinking, we drove 2.5 hours each way ti mive my DD after a break up. It was a 14 hour day which floored me for 2 weeks as have just had major surgery but not a lot would have stopped me. My DD is younger than yours but I would do the same when she is your DD’s age.

Texting that you love her is easy and I should imagine when she is in the position where you prioritised fabric shopping over a breakup , texts saying you love her don’t really ring true to her and it feels a bit like lip service.

@EmmaWizard909

Too late you have already shown us what kind of mother you are ....

You just don’t get it, do you OP?
Parenting isn’t a bank account, you can’t make deposits which your daughter withdraws when needed. She can’t become overdrawn! Which is how you are behaving!

If my DD needed me in these circumstances I would fly to her on the moon!
The fact that you just don’t understand that, is baffling!

FABRIC shopping

If your essential shopping trip was to Laura bloody Ashley YAeven moreU.Their next sale starts the minute one finishes.

We treat both our children the same and love them just the same. What a horrible accusation. They’ve been brought up identically and had all the same things and opportunities, my daughter just had a difficult temperament.

This is actually a really interesting statement. Children aren’t actually robots you know. They all have different needs. You can’t actually treat them exactly the same and then complain when one thrives and one doesn’t. Maybe your son doesn’t need the emotional support, but your daughter clearly does.

You also seem to put a lot of emphasis on material things and things you “gave them”. My mother does this too. Yet whenever I was injured I was always told to suck it up and carry on. “Things” aren’t love.

I’m just saying we’ve been there for her in the past and age 30 I didn’t think it unreasonable to put our plans first for a change. I can tell you now neither my mother or DH’s would have cancelled plans for us at that age.

You’re a mean, cold hearted, nasty person masquerading as a parent.

I’m just saying we’ve been there for her in the past and age 30 I didn’t think it unreasonable to put our plans first for a change

Well if your plans were having quadruple bypass surgery then you can probably put that first. You were going FABRIC SHOPPING FFS!!!

Your attitude and answers here disgust me.