Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

The way you talk about your son and daughter are blinding obvious even from a sentence. I'm sure this resonates with your daughter. Golden child boy, probably first born, settled, married and thriving, can't do a thing wrong. Your 'disappointment and inconvenience' of a daughter on the other hand. Always having drama, always calls when her relationship fails, always bothering you for emotional support. But you gave her a few quid over the years so you think she should leave you alone.

"We set her up financially" sounds like an alternative title to the "We took you to stately homes" thread.

Wtf people don’t stop having feelings at 30. You are both heartless and I hope she is okay

My relationship broke down when I was 30. My parents only live a couple of miles away and I just turned up on their doorstep at midnight in tears.

I had never done that before nor asked them for much but in that moment I just really needed my mum it's a visceral thing, I think.

They welcomed me in and I ended up staying with them for a few days.

You sound so unbelievably heartless. Your child is heartbroken and you're worried about going shopping!

Your daughter must feel so betrayed. If I were her I would not forget this.

I'm not sure why she could driven to your house. Getting older is no fun. I'm in my 60's and have trouble driving at night. I didn't used to. I'd have hated to drive 35 miles on narrow country lanes but lucky for me my sons understand this and are considerate. I'd do it in an emergency though, but really, she should have driven to you.

For future reference OP

Guest ; given invite, stays for a specified time, is served with food.
Child of any age ; turns up when wants, usually has own key, helps self to contents of fridge and any new toiletries in bathroom,
takes over tv, gets dog all excited, leaves parents tired but happy.

Sorry OP, but if I called my parents and told them that (I'm 29), not only the would accept but they would come pick me up immediately.

I would feel alone too if my mother said they need to go shopping. 30 or not, a mother is a mother.

This has GOT to be a reverse! Your daughter needed you when she was in pain and you chose to go shopping instead. Unbelievable.

Ugh I can’t read all your replies as they’re making me furious and i only got to page three. You and your husband were really, really cold and heartless. Stop trying to make excuses. I can’t believe your husband DARE be angry with her after the way the two of you behaved. She didn’t send you abusive messages, she sent you the truth and you didn’t like it. Please phone your daughter and beg for forgiveness and don't ever behave like this again. Or don’t, just let your relationship break down. Probably won’t make much difference to her anyway given how emotionally unavailable you both seem to be.

*I don’t think my duty is done, but both me and DH want a bit of our time now. We’ve spent the majority of our lives bringing up two children and now we want to do and saw things before we die. Having set our children up for life, we’d like a bit of time for us.

I’ve had various texts with my daughter and we are going to meet at the weekend. We’ve both recognised we said the wrong things and I’ve apologised for not going over*

I am sorry but your duty as you call it is never over once you have children. I have 2 children a girl of 33 and a boy who is 27 and they still need me especially my daughter who has a little 2 year old. When you have children they are your responsibility for life and my children are my world and I will continue to support and help them until I die. I find your attitude very strange and wonder why you ever had children at all because you seem to want to distance them from you. Your children must feel abandoned and upset because they still need their parents support and love even though they are grown up. Dare I say that I think you are very selfish and heartless and need to take a long hard look at yourself.

That message was to the OP btw the way for some reason her post didn't come out darker to show it was hers not mine

Fairly sure the OP is a wind-up.
However, am astonished at the number of PPs who seem to think it is their parents duty and privilege to drive for hours or 'fly round the world' to sort out middle-aged children.
The umbilical cord is cut at birth. Some 18-20 years after that they are, if neurotypical, meant to be independent adults. Adults one might still be fond of, God willing, but not attached to the emotional tit any more.
And really, do 30+-year-olds expect Mummy to give them a big hug and make a break-up all right? Weird. And rather devaluing to the broken-up relationship, really.

But it was a very effective wind-up. I shall bear 'fabric sale' in mind for when I can really not be bothered with someone else's dramas and histrionics and snot.

Wow I feel so sorry for your daughter. You chose to go fabric shopping over being there for her when she was upset 🙄 I'm in my thirties, am married and have children but my mum would literally walk through fire to be there for me when I need her and I would also do the same for my daughter. In this crazy world family are what is most important, not bloody shopping for fabric !

parents' with the apostrophe, 'fly without.

@Pierrette whatsisname

Do you have children? Because is you do I pity them with your attitude .....

if you do sorry typo

@AwkwardFucker

How awful for you .... my own mother has been dead for over 30 years and she was my best friend and I still feel her loss even now.

I had parents like you totally full of thier own importance and very cold emotionally. I didn't attend either of thier funerals and I am much happier they are dead. They were miserable and sad excuses for human beings. You reap what you sow and if you carry on the way you are don't expect any help from your daughter when you are ill and elderly. You need to rethink your priorities

My parents were at my house within 12 hours in France when I split from my then partner aged 33. And my dad was the least supportive person emotionally ever. Your bar is shockingly low.

My parents live over 2 hours away and they'd be there in a shot. Definitely sounds like a reverse, but if it isn't then get your priorities right. The fabric will be there next weekend.

@Pierrettelasanguinaire
Well it stands to reason OP isn't the only emotionally detached parent in the world .
Perhaps you could form a club.

I'm not sure why she could driven to your house

Probably because she was too upset to drive

@Prevegen4U
The dd asked her parents to visit next day, in daylight!

This has to be a wind up? Nobody could be this bizarre. Going for fabric? I’m going to report this post to mumsnet. If it is real then wow. Your poor daughter. I’m tempted to give you my number to pass onto her. I’ll adopt her and be a decent mother to her. You and your weird DH should be ashamed of yourselves. It’s all about him isn’t it. You’d better hope he doesn’t die before you love and you end up alone, because I’m guessing after this your daughter won’t be driving out to see you if/when you need somebody. Have you actually got any friends at all either? Your daughter calls, you go. It doesn’t matter when or where or what time. I’m not even sure why you bothered having kids to be honest. She’s probably getting more support from the woman on the till at Tesco

You're definitely shit parents @emmawizard909.

You're also unbelievably terribly cold and heartless parents.

I am appalled at your callous attitude.