Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

Empathy and compassion not your strong point, then, 1forall74?

Sounds like your daughter has already learnt the hard way not to ask for your help or support, and the rare time she does when she is heart broken and desperate, you and her father once again prove to her she can't look to you for support. Don't be surprised when she goes nc with you for good.

I split from my husband when I was 56 and although my mum didn't come she phoned each day I was still in the marital home and was emotionally available at all times.
She came down to stay as soon as we moved.She lives a good 4 hours drive away and was 77.
On the other I didn't call her about break ups when I was younger but after 17 yes married I needed a bit of unconditional love.
I was 56, managed a breakup,emergency move,buying a house and moving.Buying for the house from scratch and doing full time shift work.
I am now 59.5 and after a full weeks work will still be taking my DD to an appointment and back,80 mile round trip and will probably still have the energy to emotionally support my DD,cook,open some wine without exhausting my self.

I am 52 and if I needed her, my mum would be here, no questions asked.

I am seeing her this weekend (and my Dad!) and there will be some longer, tighter hugs.

Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am.

Op says she offered to have her dd at here however, if dd was incredibly distressed she should not have been getting behind the wheel of a car.
You really should have gone and supported her. You putting fabric shopping as a priority conveys the message that you don’t give a shit about her.

Surely nobody is such a cold callous parent as you are?
Hoping this isn’t real.

If it is real, I look forward to you being old and relying on your DD, when she’s hopefully realised how awful you are, and offers you the same love and concern that you showed her the other day. Ie none.

Make solid plans for care in your old age, because you sound like you deserve absolutely fuck all from her.

Fabric shopping is more important than your daughter.
You get her age wrong because you don’t care.
You’re going on about how you were married with children by her age, when her relationship has just ended.
You mention that her brother is much easier, and settled/married.
She has to feel like a guest in your home.

Hopefully you can see how awful you are.

I once rang my mum and told her I’d had a row with DH - not even split up, and that I was sad.

Within 5 mins of ending the call I had been sent multiple screen shots from Skyscanner with flight options for her to fly 3,500 miles to come and look after me if I needed it.

But I suppose she doesn’t like fabric, so had nothing else to do that day.

If she decides to ever have DC, l hope that she parents them in way that is in no way like you.

Who the fuck, would rather go fabric shopping than help their child...? Who the fuck at 66, is tooooooo tired to drive?

The both of you are Twunts.

@EmmaWizard909 there is an excellent thread on Mumsnet called ‘But we took you to stately homes’. Please direct your daughter to it so she can get some support from others who have parents who act so deplorably towards their children. I hope as you age, you won’t ever need assistance at short notice from your daughter. And if you do, I hope she tells you to get fucked.

My husband is 74 andif his 49yearold daughter had made a similar call there would have been no fabricshopping discounted or otherwise and in fact we would have gone to her there and then Unbelievable behaviour from parents !

Oh well if it's a sale ...

Disgusting way to treat your daughter in her hour of need. Just absolutely heartless.

What this thread has made me think about the most is how absolutely fucking brilliant my mum and dad are. I must tell them that more often.

I can't think of a single occasion in my life when they haven't been there for me, in one way or another.

You're attitude is so strange, you've actually made me feel really sad. I don't think you've really understood anybody's point of view on this thread at all. That's fucking cold, it really is.

shes ok with it.no shes uused to it so cant expect anything more.
she has a consciencefor the horrible thigns she said to you?nope again shes used to it and so knows she wont get more from you.
maybe she is often short because she has lived with this for such a long time she is reacting
brother-clearly golden child,calm settled awwww what a lovely boy.
daughter-fiery,rude bad bad girl.screw her.
fabric.sale.what the actual feck.
youve given up your life for her and given her good education......erm....what you mean you had a baby and were a parent.nothing out o the ordinary here.
even as you tried to come up with excuses it got worse
and the backpedaling continued to back peddle over your daugther!
from your last post you clearly still dont think you wrong.and i feel sad for your dd for this because she will never have the emotional support she deserves.

I would have been totally on your side (how pathetic she sounds..) until you mentioned shopping for fabric. Fuck me, what a life you lead.

I’m the same age as your daughter op, and I’d be devestated if my parents did this. You are never too told to need your mum or dads support. And I know that if I was going through a break up and was so upset As it sounds your daughter was then the last thing I would want to do was drive for an hour. What if she wasn’t in a fit state to drive because she was so upset?? Or just didn’t have the right frame of mind to drive. You and dh have a lot of making up to do.

I live 1500 miles away from my mother. Recently I went through something difficult; on par emotionally with a bad breakup. She was there the next day. I’d never speak to you again to be honest!

I am virtually the same age as your dh and have teenagers.

An hours drive is nothing.

I think you need to not only look at your priorities but actually realise you are not that old.

Up to this summer I was still doing the school run.

@CoastalWave
It's not a generational thing but thanks for the stereotyping.
My parents are in their 80's and I'm in my 60's we'd all jump in a car to be with each other if a family member was upset.

This thread must be fake. At least it has made some folk appreciate their parents more, if nothing else!

I hope that as you get older, you don't have a fall or an accident after 10.30pm. As obviously that's beyond the cut off point for giving a shit about someone and getting in the car to go and help them.

You sound like the kind of person who will expect your DD to drop everything and be at your total beck and call once you are elderly and infirm. I hope she 'declines' because she wants to go to a fabric sale.

OP you need to talk to your dh.
And be a bit more independent , assuming you can drive then get yourself to dd and let dh stew in his anger.
Also your home should be your dd's home, it's beyond strange that she should be a guest when she visits.

It's great that you've both apologized but there's some things here that you need to learn from:

1. Like I said above, while at university she called us incessantly when we were abroad on holiday.

You're holding against her something that must have happened almost a decade ago and extolling what a good (Stately Homes) parent you are. Stop keeping lists and stop bringing things up that happened so long ago. It smacks of narcissistic abuse.

1. Why on Earth does she need an invitation to go to her parents' house?? My parents died when I was 27 but this still confuses me. Like, who makes an appointment to see their parents?

1. Maybe she "flies off the handle" because she's frustrated with your lack of empathy and the way you think of her as lesser than your son.

Food for thought.

That you Mum?

Your poor daughter, I feel her pain. I have emotionally unavailable parents too. They will sprout the same shit you have - we give her money blah blah. Which is true. But that’s their solution, to throw money at the problem. Sometimes I don’t want money, I want a hug and a chat FFS.

I’ve had the same conversation with my mother many times over the years.

Me: “Mum I’m really sad and stressed because blah blah”
Mum: “go get some sunshine/grow up/you’re an adult/go for a walk/insert completely useless statement here”

The best day of my life was once when I was sad and broke and stressed, my mother came over with groceries and helped me clean my house. It was probably the nicest thing she’s ever done for me and I was so grateful, but reading this I see that that’s normal and what most parents would do for their adult children. I thought it was totally above and beyond.

We aren’t close by the way, and I have a golden child sibling. A lot of my time is spent wondering why my mother doesn’t like me.