Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

Also for what's its worth, when I visit my mother, I am a guest in her home. I don't live there. Equally when my 18 year old visits me, he has the manners to class himself as a "guest." When I visit the in-laws with my husband, we are guests. Don't be so fucking nit-picky.

I’m 32 and still call my mom and ask for her support when I’m down she’s never said no I’m going shopping instead sorry.
34 or 43 she’s your child.
When life gets you down and shit hits the fan it’s very natural to want your parents. I don’t agree with the abuse she gave you but Imo you could have shopped then drover over and have her stay with you for a day or two. Your still a parent regardless of your child’s ages.

Some parents are just like that
I rang to say I needed emergency surgery to stop me being paralysed, I was being admitted and they were operating, it was a minimum of 8 weeks recovery and no bending at all, lifting anything or twisting
Did I get help? Did I shite. Got myself to a&e, had the 5hr op alone, got discharged, got a taxi home, and spent 8 weeks. Alone.

I mean... I knew my family was off but surely if your daughter rings and says she's been diagnosed with a rare condition and if they don't operate now she will be in a wheelchair, you go to her? Maybe I was expecting too much

Anyway, yeah I can see it not being a reverse because I've been there

This has to be a reverse?

Your daughter is right.
Your horrid

I have an emotionally cold parent so I do find this triggering, but I am trying not to attack you, but give you some food for thought.

I suspect your daughter has felt like this for a long time and at a moment of emotional distress, lashed out with a few home truths that hit home to you at some level. Perhaps your son seems more like you and your husband and behaves in a way you both expect and therefore, you find your daughter hard work.

Providing financially is one thing and I would suggest that since having children is a choice, something parents should expect to do. Emotional support though is also important and the attachments we make as children determine how our adult relationships will go.

I imagine that she grew up like me, desperately wanting that emotional connection that everyone else around you seems to have with their parents and then time and time again, being reminded that it will never happen. If you are emotionally reserved, as it seems, you will find an emotional person quite fiery and unpredictable. Maybe being in a relationship she found that connection - she felt loved and safe at last - and to lose it is devastating.

Some people would cry to their parents, some wouldn't. But I think people are reacting so strongly because when you see someone in emotional distress, an empathetic person wants to comfort them. If that person is your child, there is an expectation that the bond you have with them will make you react in a certain way and you haven't done that. People don't understand that in the way you don't understand your daughter or why she behaved the way she did. It is the fabric sale part that makes it seem callous as really, compared to your child in distress, it seems so unimportant. I think this is getting long now, but if you want a relationship with your daughter, I would encourage you to think about this and also why you feel you can't go against your husband. One day the bond you do have may snap and you will lose your daughter. I know that because my father has no one now.

I was just going to say... you have to ask?
Your child needs you?
Age matters foes it?
Fabric?
I’m hoping this is a reverse

There are no words.

You don't deserve to have a daughter.

Our sons are grown and DH & I are retired. I certainly understand the desire for 'us time' once we're older and our DC are grown. But not at the expense of the relationship with our children. There's plenty of 'us time' to be had and DH & I are having a ball. But if one of our boys (or our DiL) needs us, we will be there in a shot. It's what parents DO.

And because it's what we do, we know that our sons and DiL will be there for us in a shot, too. It works both ways, you know. You may want to keep that in mind the next time your DD needs you.

Time away from stress

You don't get "time away" from things when you have children, regardless of their age!

I'm another one who thinks your behaviour was selfish and hurtful. You are definitely in the wrong and you should be ashamed.

According to you your daughter is firey and your son is married and no trouble. Your 30 year old daughter rang because she was unhappy over a relationship brake up but you as much as said I can't be bothered to see you.
No wonder your getting people telling you here that you and your husband are poor parents to your daughter. They have also told you how their parents have helped them out during the hard times and they were grateful for this.

I have seen 1st hand what lack of help/support from a mother can do.
I have a friend who is now in her late 40's. She has a few siblings that are her mothers golden children. They are been all looked after financialy so they are all comfortably off. Meanwhile my friend is living on a social services payment. She watched my friend struggle with various things but never once offered emotional or financial support despite being comfortably off.
This lady is now in her late 70's and has a few health issues.
My friend meanwhile is making plans that will help her get a part time job so she won't be available to mind her mother. She said to me recently let the golden children look after my mother in her old age because I am sick of her making no effort for me.

I agree with your husband. A 30 year old daughter,crying and weeping,about a broken relationship,is rather childish. If it had been a medical emergency or the like,it would be different.

If I was the dd, I would be very tempted to go out and buy lots of fabric, wrapped with some info on nursing homes. And this would be their Christmas present.

I am in a very similar situation to you, OP.

Our DS, also 30-ish, is in the process of trying to break free from a bad relationship.
A couple of months ago he phoned us (yes, at 10.30 on a Saturday night too.) DH answered and DS asked if he could come home, DH asked him if we should come and get him, he said no, he would get the Tube if someone could meet him at the station, which is about 20 mins away from us. We live about 30 miles outside London. So DH went and got him and they arrived back here at around midnight.
I gave DS a hug and asked if he was OK. He said he was very glad to be home.
And yes, it is his home if he ever needs it to be, and he knows this, even though he moved out about eight years ago. He'll never be a guest.
PS We're a little older than you. I get tired. I still managed to drive into London and back a couple of weeks ago, at night, in horrendous traffic and pouring rain. A four hour round trip.

If your Daughter had been mine a fabric sale excursion with a bit of lunch while out and about would have been a perfect outing for us both and to help take her mind off her current home situation...

Your Hubby, being so tired, could have easily stayed at home and rested, or better still run the vaccy around, made the beds and clean the bbg for dinner that night.

She would also have keys/garage remote to the family home regardless if we were there or not.

Is your Hubby not her father perhaps?

I don't think you were being that unreasonable OP ,as you were wanting and trying to be there for her over the phone , it's understandable because of the distance and your own life it's hard to drop everything in the drop of the hat , if I had been in your daughters situation I would still expect to be able to talk to My Mum but if she lived 35 miles I wouldn't expect her to visit unless we had planned for her to come down, I'm 23 btw.

I think it's harsh to imagine people over 30 shouldn't get emotional after a break up! My sister broke up with her partner in her 30s and ended up moving back in with my parents for a period - she had a bit of a breakdown. My marriage broke up in my 40s. I didn't ring my parents when I was in desperate heartbreak but I was beside myself and broken by it - many of my friends saw me in floods. I think that's normal.

If it wasn't heartbreaking or a big deal to break up with someone over the age of 30 then there would be a whole heap less threads in MN!

I don’t recognise anything about being a decent parent from your posts.

And just wait until you both genuinely are aged and vulnerable (as opposed to your Dh being tired, laughably because he’s 60). See what happens when the shoe is on the other foot and you feel vulnerable and alone. Perhaps your dd will be too busy choosing fabric to bother about you both.

she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her

You said it, OP.

I could be 60 and my parents would come to me if I was in that situation/state. Because guess what that's what parents do. They are always your children.
To me sounds like you're a bit scared of your DH? Is he controlling? Is he always so abusive?
He's that tired from working 2 days a week?
You put your husband before your child and that something a parent should never do.

I foresee ‘I had a fabric sale to go to’ appearing in a lot of posts now as the new version of ‘I really care about my daughter and I’m always there for her and I’ve given up my life for her but I can’t go to her when she’s upset and asks for help because I’ve got a fabric sale to go to. Even if I did care she’s a whole 60 mins drive away and the fabric sale is only 45 mins so it’s a no brainer, who wouldn’t choose the fabric sale when it’s also 15 mins less driving, that extra 15 minutes is TOO FAR, my husband works 3 days so he’s tired. I don’t understand why she said some mean things though 🤷‍♀️‘

Reverse.OP

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother.
She has done some terrible things.
I probably have too.

BUT, when I phoned her because I really needed her even though at the time we hadn't spoken for almost a decade (& I was 40) she got in the car & drove hundreds of miles to give me a hug.

If she hadn't done that, I would not have been alive to complain about it.
Not that I knew that at the time & neither did she but she came anyway.

I didn't know that I had been drugged by my ex to the point I was lucky I'd ever woken up.
I didn't know any of the other things that had been done to try & make sure I died which I won't start listing as they'd be quite identifying.

99% of the time, if I described her actions here I'd be told to go NC.
But that 1% of the time, when it's really important, she makes up for every shit thing.

OP if this is real, you are a disgrace.

Not a cat in hells chance this is real.

Just in case there really is a sociopath on the other end of this thread....my mum would crawl over broken glass for me. You’re not fit to lick her shoes.

Enjoy being alone in your coming years

I'm glad that you and your daughter have spoken and apologised to each other, OP.

While you still might not understand quite why your decision was wrong, you have taken it on board and tried to make things right with your daughter. I think it's only fair to interrupt the pile on to acknowledge that.